Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Goat Pen

A picture of me and the twins heading to the zoo. I look great in brown, obviously...
Morning Readers,

     Like FDR once said, "The only thing we have to fear is goats." That's why I hardly ever expose myself to Nature. That, and I also have a pretty poor grasp of history. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, goats weren't put here to be friends with us. They have less respect for us than blowfish, and that's really saying something. But, seeing as yesterday found us at the petting zoo, once again, I had to pick a pen to let the twins play in, and the one with the neediest animals seemed the best choice.

     Kick my children into the enclosure with the Bald Eagle and risk exterminating the species and a huge government fine, or let them fair with goats their own size? As I watched Butch and Sundance skip merrily through the gate, my warming heart told me I'd made the right choice.
It could've been Butch putting the first goat in a headlock.

It could also have been Sundance running so fast after a one, it keeled over from a heart attack and had to me removed with a shovel.

     "Shovel," I laughed. "We need a shovel over here."

     All around me, goats screamed in terror because they hadn't met the twins yet, and the twins hadn't ever been given the opportunity to hunt one in the wild. "Ma!" Butch tried to get my attention, in order to display the fact he'd cornered a shaggy one and wouldn't let it go. The goat, paralyzed with fear, looked to me for help.

     I shook my head. "Too late, goat. Tremble in fear at my offspring that have come to put you in your goat place." Small children and goats flocked this way and that. I caught Sundance trying to dive, headfirst, into the watering trough.

     "They're so cute, aren't they?" A woman next to me smiled.

     I agreed. "Honestly, I've never been more proud of my children. Did you see my son steal that goat's lunch money? He's the one with the sandy blonde hair. Looks like a tiny Robert Redford."

     "I was talking about the goats."

     "Oh. I see. Goat sympathizer....Good day to you Madam."

     Sensing it was time to go, I rounded up Butch and looked for Sundance, who was, as it turns out, entertaining a large crowd of non-English speaking students, the majority of which pointed at her through the bars and remarked that they didn't realize American baby goats wore sparkly pink shoes. She wouldn't have been so convincing if she hadn't bludgeoned a stray goat and been wearing it around her shoulders, all the while saying, "Baaaaah."

As always please air your feelings about goats. We all understand here.

Until Next Time, Readers!

14 comments:

  1. This was VERY funny--as usual! I have absolutely NO idea how to comment on it.

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    1. Holy moly...did I just stump the great Fishducky??

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  2. I must confess that I - a totally grown human being - head two places at the zoo: FIRST, the gorilla area because - well - I ADORE gorillas! SECOND, the petting zoo area so I can play with the baby goaties. I love them. Their tiny horn nubs butt my hand to coerce me into feeding them the allowed popcorn. I do it, of course. But I have to say I'd have LOVED seeing your kiddos, too! I like kids every BIT as much as gorillas & goats! And, YES! I like YOU because you make me LAUGH! A lot!!!! Thanks!

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    1. You're never too old for the zoo...you just have to watch out for those crafty goats and their shifty goat ways. LOL Thank you for all your kind words. As ling as you're laughing at me, I'm a happy camper...:)

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  3. I'm stupid in love with your blog now. I'll add your to my blog roll and, as is the tradition on the interwebs, we will be bonded in a way that is not even a little bit legally binding.

    But you'll know I've given you two thumbs way, way up.

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    1. I think "stupid in love" is probably the best compliment ever. I think you just made the blog blush. Mucho thanks for adding me to your blog roll!!!! Loving your blog as well!

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  4. My mom just got to new baby goats. I should have you and the twins over to show them the ropes. :D

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    1. I wish we could pop on over. I bet your goats would appreciate being ridden by two small goat hunters...lol

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  5. Lol. I. LOVE. GOATS.

    I had a pet goat, Rosie, when I was eleven. She ran around the farm with the dogs and came when I called her, if she wasn't too busy eating the bows off of my baby doll pj's hung out on the clothesline. She even behaved herself when I let her in the house. (My mother is rolling in her grave at that confession.)

    Rosie wasn't allowed to live with me for long, though. My grandfather pulled up in his brand new Chevrolet Impala one afternoon. You know. One of those cars that has to be registered with Homeland Security because it doubles as an aircraft carrier.

    Rosie found it fascinating. So much so that she bounded up onto the trunk of the car. My grandfather ran at her, waving his arms. So Rosie did what any goat would do when faced with an angry elderly gentleman yelling expletives his grandchildren had never heard before. She jumped onto the roof. Then onto the hood. At this point, my grandfather was running up the length of the car, trying to get her off of it before she completely destroyed his paint job.

    Rosie, like the ornery little kid she was, thought this was a great game. She jumped down, ran around to the back of the car, and started boinging across it. Bounce, bounce, bounce, repeat. Trunk, roof, hood, and around again. With my grandfather running back and forth trying to catch her. What fun, right?

    The next day, my dad sat me down and gave me a choice. I could trade him the goat in exchange for a foal, or I could just get rid of the goat. I took the foal, who turned out to be every bit as ornery as the goat was. Never did get him in the house, though.

    Sounds like you had a great time at the petting zoo. I'll bet the goats did, too. :)

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    1. OH my gosh...even though you, my dear Piper, are a goat sympathizer, I bet your grandpa never forgave goat-kind after that...hahahahaha That forever goes down as the THE best goat story that has ever or will ever be told here on the blog. Hands down.

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  6. holy freaking hilarious. i had friends in college who had two goats and they lived in their gross college house basement. it was so weird!

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    1. Ewwww...goats in the basement? Yet another reason to be terrified of the basement.

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  7. Ohhhh, you make me laugh out LOUD! I love, love that you said one of them looked like a mini-Robert Redford and that you quoted FDR so accurately. Youdabomb.

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    1. I am known for my skills at forgetting accurate history, while complimenting my offspring. If I don't do it, who will? Thanks, Kelley!

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