Friday, April 13, 2012

Junk Mail

"It says I'm an instant winner. Marge? Saddle up the donkey, we're headed downtown."
Morning Readers,

     Besides food to eat, shelter over my head, and cable, I really have nothing to look forward to. Don't cry for me though. Cry for my sports bras. Now those are garments I really feel bad for. What with the stretching and the screaming and me weeping on them all the time...eh em. My point is, as a stay at home mom, I have few things that knock my socks off, on a daily basis. So, when the mail gets here, I put on pants and skip all the way to the box. At which point, I usually wave the stack of paper at my neighbors and yell,

     "I've got mail just like Tom Hanks. I'd say "like Meg Ryan", but everyone knows she's not America's Sweetheart anymore."

     Unfortunately, my elation with the mail has led to a slight delirium concerning what's being sent. Sure, I know what a bill looks like:

bill
noun
1. Something that accidentally gets stuck behind the refrigerator:
(Hey, Paige. I think your power went out because the bill "fell" behind the refrigerator, not because of the tornado no one saw but you.)

bill
verb
1. To request money that may be imaginary.
(We tried to bill Mrs. Kellerman, but we think she left the state again.)

     No, what I'm talking about is junk mail. I can't resist the colorful flyers, the scratch-off mailers that smell like mass-copied consideration, the little, plastic window that says "To the winner". When I leaf through the stack of paper, I can't help extracting the mysterious envelope and running to find Husband...

Eample #1

     "Honey, it says here we won!"

     "No we didn't."

     I rip the envelope open. "We did to. See? This here key starts the car they have waiting for us."

     "That key's made of cardboard."

     Carefully, I slide it into my pocket. "That's because it probably goes to a Prius. Metal's bad for the environment. Everyone knows that. Enjoy killing dolphins, in your gas guzzler."

Example #2

     "Cupcake, no need to go to work tomorrow. I just won a million dollars."

     "Says who?"

     "This flyer."

     The one addressed to "Current Resident or Parolee" that has a coupon for a Sonic bacon cheeseburger on the back?"

     "Yeah, a coupon for a million cheeseburgers."

Example #3

     "Buttercrumble, our prayers are answered."

     "Someone's adopting the kids?"

     "Nope, I got this letter that says they'll buy our house and give us a 100,000 because they're happy to do business with us. They just need our socials, dates of birth and times we're most likely to not be home."

     "Paige, this letter is written on the back of a Burger King wrapper, in magic marker."

     "Oh, so that's ketchup on the bottom and not blood? That's a relief."

Until Next Time, Readers!

    


    














    
 

27 comments:

  1. I don't get much junk mail, even though I still get weird things for the people who lived in my house before me--five years ago. I keep hoping they get sent a huge wad of cash from a mystery donor, but alas, just AARP forms and invitations to sewing bees. Sigh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We still get stuff for the last owners as well. It's funny how you can get a peak into their lives depending on what ends up on the end of your letter opener... I mean, I just throw it away...;)

      Delete
  2. I live for the days when I can immediately toss the whole just-pulled-from-the-mailbox pile straight into the recycling before even bringing it into the house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are the days I get all bills; Everything straight in the trash.

      Delete
  3. My husband carefully reads all the ads, which is strange because he hardly ever responds.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like reading the ads too. That's how I ended up with two wheel barrows and a trained monkey.

      Delete
  4. LMAO. You crack me up. My husband takes care of it. Sometimes I need to check the trash and fish out the important stuff, like letters stating our kid will be recieving an award at school, "Would you care to attend?" Huh. Guess daddy failed to see the importance in that one. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, Husband is pretty good about giving me the mail that's mine, but he has a bad habit of pitching things in the trash that he thinks I don't need, like my social security card and title to the house.

      Delete
  5. Thanks for crushing my dreams... AGAIN! Now I have nothing to look forward to. I was gonna share my cool million with you from Publishers Clearing house but now... insert dramatic weeping here...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don;t worry, Melynda, They will enter your name in five more drawings with great odds this month.

      Delete
  6. You put your pants on to get the mail? Wow, you are fancy! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been told I'm one classy lady...and I think my sweatpants prove that.

      Delete
  7. Paige, I'm not joking right now: our neighbor gets the fake keys in the mail and GOES TO THE DEALERSHIP FOR HIS FREE GIFTS. And then tells us all about how he keeps getting "Shanghai-ed" and he doesn't understand why.

    Lord, give me strength.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL..."Shanghai-ed" Yes! That's exactly how I feel..haha. I hope the Lord gives you the strength to explain why the keys are made out of cardboard.

      Delete
  8. As a mail lady, I must say that nothing gives me more satisfaction than knowing that my 5 hours a day that I slave away in the mail truck brings you joy.

    It's the little things my friend. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly, Juli, it's one of the highlights of my day. I salute the work you do!

      Delete
  9. Too EARLY to be laughing this hard! Tho' I hate junk mail & NEVER read it, my housemate LIVES for it. He's retired, and it fills up some space in his no-longer-working day. I keep suggesting hobbies. He says he LIKES reading junk mail. All I look for? The bills, my TV Guide, my Crochet World Magazine, and new Ulla Popken catalogs. I'm an EASY-TO-PLEASE old girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kai, have you suggested that he start a hobby like reading the junk mail, but then folding it into fun origami shapes and selling them on ebay?

      Delete
  10. Junk Mail? Why that’s taking part in killing the trees! And For what? For lies and false hopes? I refuse to be part of such a hideous act! I ain’t no murderer you know, so I refuse to even look at mine. It’s a conspiracy I say! And those little threatening notes “Mail-Box Full Please Empty” or “Your Mail is on HOLD” don’t scare me one bit! I know they’re watching, soon as I touch it I’ll be arrested for conspiracy to commit murder. Hah I ain’t no fool! I’d be careful if I were you Paige, you really believe that was ketchup? NOT! You need to listen to your inner voice that told you it was blood! Aren’t you learning from my blog posts? Also, wearing pants ain’t good enough of a disguise; I’d suggest wearing your hubby’s big shoes too. And waving it to your neighbors is plain STUPID Paige! Now you have witnesses! Geezers Paige when are you gonna learn? I can’t keep coming to the rescue! Gotta go now and peek out the window… deep, deep sigh!

    Tootles!
    SimplyyMayra “/

    Oh yea and I’d keep my eye-on that mail lady btw ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, it is blood. I cut myself at least 5 times a day. Junk mail paper cuts are worse than water torture.

      Delete
    2. Mayra, you speak the horrible truth; I am an accomplice to tree murder. But, how else am I supposed to know I won that Prius if no one sends me a paper key? Everyone knows that's what people get when they've legitimately won a new car.

      Delete
  11. Hahahaha! It's amazing how you can write about any subject, Paige, and make it funny as hell! And we can all relate to junk mail, which is so irritating, but you make it fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Lyn! But, if you still find it irritating, is there a chance you're just not getting enough of it...;)

      Delete
  12. SimplyyMayra wins the award for best comment. On any blog. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No worries, Paige! I'm a finalist in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes! When I win, I'll be happy to buy you and Buttercrumble and all the kids baconcheeseburgers. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That' a huge relief, Piper! I'll run upstairs and tell Husband not to go to work tomorrow...LOL

      Delete