Friday, April 27, 2012

Kindling A Relationship With My Kindle

Afternoon Readers,

     The great thing about kids is they can literally smell when you're trying to enrich yourself, and then do their utmost to stop it. I personally enjoy being critically uniformed. For example, I love being the only one at parties who doesn't know anything about art, literature, or which celebrity has kicked meth. It makes shouting, "Who needs more cocktail weenies?", more convincing for all involved.

     Eventually, I'm asked to leave or "bus the tables" if I don't want to lose my green card. People forget that I'm supposed to be someone important...and that I'm a US citizen... mostly because I can't enrich myself enough. If I could do that if my kids would just let me read more, but they don't.

     On any day ending in "y", I usually try to fire up the Kindle. Good parenting dictates I'm not allowed 1to hide if I'm the only adult home, so I'm forced to read in the open. A few reasons finishing a book presents a problem:

-   Poop

     This morning, I plopped on the couch and started sounding out words. It wasn't long before Butch dropped the box I'd given him for entertainment and jumped into my lap instead.

     "Honey, Mommy's trying to use her phonics sounds. What can I do for y-? ...Wait, you smell like poop.


     I struggled through it, but there's something about the sweet smell of manure stinging your eyes that makes it hard to figure out whether you've finished the chapter, or passed out.

- Distractions

     On good days, things quiet down and I'm wearing pants. Those are the times, I, again, turn on my book. Those are also the days there's unidentified sounds coming from the kitchen.

     "What are you two doing in there?"


     "Payin with what?"

     Survey says: wine glasses.

     "Don't break them. Mommy wants to finish this chapter."

     Worst Mother Ever award delivered via singing telegram to my door.

     Book deactivated so babies don't stab each other to death with the shards.

(Situation hard to explain to EMT: "Yes, but I only let them play with them until I heard the first crack. Didn't you ever read a book where you just haaaaad to know if the mermaid got legs? You didn't? Social Services feels a circus would be a safer place for them? Huh.")

Other things that get in my way:

Making dinner
Making breakfast
Making lunch
People asking me what I'm reading
Staring into space hoping someone will ask me what I'm reading, or if I've had a stroke
Gout, if I had gout
Not charging my Kindle
Calling people to tell them what I'm reading
Waiting for hipsters outside of Starbucks to see what they're reading, and asking for money to buy coffee.

At any rate, now that I've said my peace, I'm off to grocery shop...another reason I can't finish reading.

Until Next Time, Readers!