Monday, April 23, 2012

Leopard Print Robe

"Like I've told you before, I can't look at you in that thing. It's like a leopard's eating you from the shoulders down."

Afternoon Readers,

Because I'm feeling a little under the weather, I might have to be a bit brief today. It could be the pregnancy, or perhaps the half-pound bag of Twizzler's Pull n' Peel I ate last night, or even the horror of having my new neighbor spot me in my leopard print robe over this weekend.

Judges say:

50% Pull n' Peel
40% Robe incident
10% Floral print pajama/Fender t-shirt combination spotted under previously specified leopard print robe

-1% blaming on the pregnancy, as this baby is so much more well-behaved than the others, I'm thinking of raffling off the twins and starting fresh with this one.
Being seen in my robe wasn't the worst of it. The rest of the neighbors have seen me in far less respectable attire, and have pretty much turned a blind eye to me chasing the dog, half-naked, across the lawn, with my broom.

It's just, I liked having at least one of my neighbors living under the pleasant delusion that we're normal, and the lady she lives next to doesn't eat Nutella with her hands or, at 27, considers Disco to be one of the world's greatest forms of communication . That's all I'm saying.

If I ever go introduce myself, I'm not sure if I should wear the same outfit, so she'll know she didn't imagine it, or to iron my good jumpsuit and present her with an edible arrangement...

Nothing says, "I'm sorry you thought moving here would get you away from the last crazies you lived next to, but at least we're not inbred", like Peonie-shaped pineapples.

In the meantime, I'm going to lay down and try not to think about it for a little bit. I shall rendezvous with you all on the morrow.

Until Next Time, Readers!