Monday, April 2, 2012


After the hour was up, everyone went back to being mannequins.
Afternoon Readers,

     I'd say the number one thing people accuse me of, besides stealing their paper, is how refreshed I look. Often times, while walking down the street, strangers will put a hand out, nod in my direction, and say, "I just want to shake the hand of the most refreshed looking woman in town. What's your secret?"

     Most the of the time, I just wink knowingly and reply, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

     And then they shout, "Yes, that's why we just asked."

     To which, I reply by spilling my tinkling laughter all the way down the sidewalk, as I jog away, abs tightened, the enamel on my teeth glinting like a very recently polished chrome bumper....

     Oh, you want to know what my secret is? How you too can wake up looking the Apollo or Aphrodite that you are? Alright, just this once...

    Start by procuring two infants. If you don't have any of your own, I have a couple you can rent for what I consider a reasonable price. There may also be a mother in your own neighborhood who's willing to come to a similar agreement. Try looking for a woman who's drooling on herself and playing traffic.

     Once you have your babies, buy them both a crib, and make sure they become extremely comfortable and used to said crib. Make sure they feel safe and secure, emphasizing they'll be sleeping there for a full two years and won't know anything different. After two years have passed, abruptly get rid of the cribs, and announce,

"Here is your new "big kid" bed!"

Wait for the screaming to start.

     I find the glow most people are envious of happens between midnight and three in the morning. That's about the time of night two little hands pat my face and tell me it's time to get up because they fell out of their new bed. Well, what a considerate little fellow! He knows there's nothing that get's the blood flowing to my gorgeous face, like throwing himself against the wall, floor and down the stairs.

     Like all good children, he knows I won't get beautiful if I climb back into bed and sleep till seven, so he politely suggests, with a foot to my face, "Wouldn't I enjoy a carpet facial?" I agree and reply that I couldn't think of anything more relaxing than sleeping on the floor with him while he slaps his sticky paw on my forehead and passes out.

     "Delightful!" I say into the floor.

     "I give it four stars!" His drool on my pillow proclaims.

     Now, dear Reader, if this routine doesn't give you the rosy, radiant complexion you're looking for, I just can't help you. Also, don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Most of the time, this process needs to be repeated multiple nights in a row.

 So tell me, who's as refreshed as I am today?

Until Next Time, Readers!