Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

"Did I kill it? Marlene, let me text you a picture of my new trophy skirt."
Afternoon Readers,

     Ya know, you try and try to tell people something and they just don't listen. And when they don't listen, you have to get up in their grill, shove a shoe in their face, and make them listen. And then they look at you and start crying out of all eight eyes, saying, "But I didn't know any better."

     And then you have to look them in the ugly face and say, "Death comes for all of us, and your taxi just pulled up."

     You know what the sorriest part of it all is? That the last thing these fools see is what a great buy those gladiator sandals with the jewel on them were, right before "Payless Shoes" gets stamped all over their furry bodies.

     I feel like...nay...I know I've addressed the topic enough to be heard. First, I wrote them a kindly-worded letter, and after that was ignored, I had to post about one of their punk friends trying to stroll into town like Johnny-good-time-don't-give-a-care, and his early death and funeral via kitchen sink. And yet.

And yet...

     When I pulled my couch out to wedge myself between it to grab a stray toy, like an obese Golden retriever, what did I find? One of you. He looked at me and shook his head. "What? What did I do?"

     I waived my shoe at him from a safe distance. "Oh, sonny boy, you just done brought the straw to a party full of camel's backs."

     He wiggled a leg at me. "Listen, lady. This is nuts. Why don't you put the shoe down and we'll talk about this?"

     I cocked an eyebrow. "Talk is cheap."

     "I don't really like where this is going."

     "Oh, where you're going, there won't be anything to worry about."

     His legs tensed. "A condo in Boca?"

     The shoe raised.

     "Mam," he whispered, "I think you may be nuts."

     "Spider," I said, "I passed nuts a long time ago. I'm now a bonafide pistachio. Goodnight, sir."

     "But.."

     "I said goodnight!"

     In case you weren't sure what happened there, I killed your friend, another one of your kind. Please take this as an additional  warning before the warm season begins and you're looking for a place to stay.

Anyone else had any intruders lately?

Until Next Time, Readers!