Thursday, May 31, 2012

A New Summer Series For the Easily Horrified

Afternoon Readers,

     I just ran out of Diet Coke and Twizzlers, so I'll make this as quick as possible...or not, as I just realized the kitchen is really far away, like twelve feet or something. I've heard of people dying on suicide missions like that. Yesterday brought with it our first excursion to the pool, the baby pool, that is. And since I'll be spending most of my summer in that concrete mecca of piddle and dive sticks, I've decided to start a small series to allow you lucky few the inside look at what really goes on in the baby pool...

*and the crowd goes wild*

Ok, crowd, stop going wild...

*the crowd still going wild*

If you're finished, Paige Kellerman productions is proud to present:

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I Like My Tradition Rolled In Coconut and Stress

Have I never shown you a picture of my bedroom? By all means...
Afternoon Readers,

     I hope all of you had a fantastic weekend. I just finished throwing the last of our tradition in the trash can. "Tradition" here may also be called doughnuts...or doughnut...or whatever a mostly whole Bismark stuck to one-fourth of a glazed doughnut would be. Maybe I should call the monstrosity I just threw away, "Al". Either or, that's all that was left of the memories I tried to make with the twins. Because I'm constantly trying to cobble together experiences and traditions that two-year-olds will never remember, going to the doughnut store when they woke at 6:30am yesterday morning seemed like a great idea.

But, like most things I attempt to make into traditional Saturday morning fare, this one will not be resumed for a long while. Mostly because....

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day and A Column

The first picture returned after my search for "Memorial Day 1950s" ...umm, so that's that.
Happy Memorial Day Readers,

    I hope all of you have been up since the crack of dawn like I have haven't? You got to sleep in? You're not even reading this because you don't have kids and probably won't hear your alarm until noon? First off, I hate you. Second, thank you for dreaming about visiting my blog. Third, today I have my latest humor column that ran on May 12th. For some reason, there wasn't a link created to it in the archives, so you're just going to have to trust me that this was in the paper.

....If not, I'll be happy to Xerox a copy, sign it and send it your way. But you have to pay postage because I'm a cheap, cheap woman who doesn't get paid to write the column and just ran out of bargain paper towels. So you can do the math there.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Fanmail Friday: The Naked Files

"Dear Reader, enclosed is a picture of my face. Please don't scream when you open it. Love, Paige."
Afternoon Readers,

     I can't believe it's Friday already. Ok, I can believe it because all my days pretty much run together, so if you'd said, "Hey Paige, aren't you glad it's Monday?", I would've said,

     "Yes, but that mean it's time to take out the trash, so I wish it was Friday."

     At any rate, I find that Friday is the prefect time to host "Fanmail Friday", mostly because of the alliteration, ans mostly because "Fanmail Sunday" smacks of abomination. So here we go. I'm pulling out the mail bag and answering your burning queries from the past week.

From the mailbag of the never-quoted, always hungry Paige Kellerman:

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pocket Full of Sunshine...or whatever you have in there..

Afternoon Readers, 

     I know I said I'd stop doing this to you, but the fact of the matter is I know really nice people that keep giving me stuff like I have my virtual hand out looking for virtual change so I can buy virtual booze and a paper to sleep under. Debra Kristi, over at her fantastic blog has seen fit to present me with the Sunshine award. Thank you, Debra! I know you're giving it to me because I'm big, hot, and my figure has something to do with the Earth's gravitation pull.

Per usual, I must answer the required queries, before I can accept my giant ball of combustible gasses. And to mix it up a bit, I'll try to be serious....

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

It's Here and It's Fantastic

"I'm sorry Mrs. Kellerman. That suit doesn't cover your knees, and we've got people with weak stomachs swimming."
Afternoon Readers,

     You've waited for it. Made cute little X's on your calendar so as to build anticipation for it. You even Bedazzled a t-shirt saying, "It's almost here". So I'm pleased to inform you that, yes, my new maternity swimsuit arrived via freight train dragging it, yesterday. And, by light of darkness, I ripped it open and tried it on for Husband...

     I twirled. "So, whatcha think?"

Monday, May 21, 2012

Check Please

"A restaurant? Surely, you jest. Those went extinct about the same time I stopped wearing pants that button."
Afternoon Readers,

     I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. I won't keep you in suspense. I had a fantastic weekend as well. I tasted the forbidden fruit of unbridled freedom and it was intoxicating. Husband graciously accepted the paper-wrapped rock I threw through his windshield, explaining that I was leaving for the evening, and out I went with just the ladies in my family. For anyone else who hasn't eaten dinner out since we all tried the gaucho pant thing that didn't work out, I've whipped up a quick guide to minimize awkwardness if an invitation to shower and socialize arises.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm Lovely?...Why Thank You: Seven Things That Annoy Me

The face I'll generally make if you try to take my picture... good luck.
Afternoon Readers,

     Although she, admittedly, doesn't participate in them much, Melynda over at Crazy Word accepted the Lovely Blogger Award and passed it on to a lucky few. The reason I love this woman so much, is because she's so much like me, and because of that, has simplified the process into something so fantastic, it makes me want to keep nominating her for more awards, and more awards, and more awards...because she loves that.

     Because of this, I get to throw out a lengthy list of rules and just list seven things that annoy me. On a Thursday. Practically like getting to sit and eat Twix bars while someone else lets my kids chase them with a foam bat.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It Came From the Deep: Tales of Maternity Swimwear Shopping

"Shhh, Marlene. Just poke it with a stick and maybe it'll float back upstream."
Afternoon Readers,

     I'm glad you stopped by today. I just finished noticing how I've stayed exactly the same size as I was before I was pregnant.

I was spinning around in front of my mirror, yelling, "This hills are alive, because I am so skinny. Ahhhhhh!"

Monday, May 14, 2012

Letter From The Editor: Guest Posting With The Rich and Famous

I love this head shot of me because it makes me look exactly like Liz Taylor...
Morning Readers,

     As thrilled as I am that you tried to visit me, I'm actually guest posting for the oh so famous Piper Bayard at her blog today. If you don't know Piper, you should. And if you do know her, well you can see why I pulled out my best halter dress, bright red lipstick and in-distinguishably-shaped-possibly-mini-violin earrings for the occasion.

     I'll be talking about how Gwenyth Paltrow changed my life. So, if you like satire meticulous typed out on a Word document and re-formatted to fit a blog, then I hope to see you there.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Happy Birthday, Double Trouble...

"What do you mean we set the house on fire? Do you not see how sweet we are? Maybe you set the house on fire."
Afternoon Readers,

     Today marks two years of having stretch marks, not knowing where my waste starts and my torso begins, and never wearing clothing that doesn't have food on it. But, it also marks the the birthday of the reason for this blog and why everyone thinks I pass as interesting. I'd like you all to join me in saying Happy Birthday to Butch and Sundance.

I'd also like you to join me in saying, "Get off that counter and stop trying to stab your brother with that crayon."

(After you're done saying both these things, please see me about having the twins come stay with you for one-to-two week blocks.)

Things We've Learned to Do This Year:

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Riding In Cars With Babies

Every time Bob took Marlene out for a spin in the Shark car, she knew the fortune teller had been right to tell her she was special...
Afternoon Readers,

     It's a universally recognized, though unfortunate, rule that new babies must ride inside a vehicle while it's in motion. Trust me, you let your baby ride on the luggage rack, just one time, and you never hear the end of it.
"Paige, that isn't safe."
"Paige, you're going to get arrested."
"Paige, wasn't there a baby sitting on the luggage rack when you left the grocery store?"

Monday, May 7, 2012

Dear Flea, It's Not Like We Entered You In The Hunger Games

I also didn't make you wear this stupid coat, so can it.
Afternoon Readers,

     There comes a time in every couple's life when they can't decide who left the dog outside overnight. Although neither of us meant to, Husband and I came to the realization that we locked Flea out for the evening without so much as a "Would you care for a blanket or a half-empty can of pepper spray to fend off intruders?" Husband said he looked terrified when he let him in, the next day.

And I quote: "He looked terrified."

As you know, I usually don't apologize to the dog, but, as I too would've been terrified if Husband had locked me outside all night again, I thought I'd write the dog a small mea culpa of sorts...emphasis on "of sorts".

Thursday, May 3, 2012

And Now, What the Old Lady Said...

Not actual photo of the woman I spoke to. This is a famous Hungarian criminal being used for illustrative purposes.
Afternoon Readers,

     Had to pop in quickly to let you know it's been a crazy morning and also that a strange, albeit adorable, elderly woman read my belly. I know you have things to do and Price is Right to watch (and you, yes you...that baking soda's only 1.35..and you know it. Stop listening to the audience).

Scene: Walmart (my second home), checkout line, swiping credit card.

"You expect new baby,  no?"

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Tagged Like A Sea Turtle In the Wild

Hunting sharks from the shore...stupid Nature.
Afternoon Readers,

And so it's happened again. My new friend, Kim, from The Real Adventures of a SoCal Mom has tagged me in a get-to-know-you post, now that we're hanging out over at the My Life and Kids Community. I'm well-aware that I just did this recently, but, why is Wednesday after all. And everyone knows I share the most awkward things about myself on Wednesdays, also on Thurs -Tues.

Them's the rules:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you plus the eleven facts about you.
3. Choose eleven people and link them in your blog.
4. Go to their page and tell them. 
5. No tag backs.
6. You legitimately have to tag.

Eleven Quick Things About ME!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Farmers Market

"A farmers market? Is that like a bachelor auction?"
Morning Readers,

     If I'm going to eat something healthy, I always make sure it's smothered in chocolate. This prevents any nasty after effects like shiny hair, an abundance of energy, or running a marathon, the number 1.2 million cause of death in America.*

*May or may not be accurate. 

As I'm in a constant search for the next healthy thing I can Fondue, Husband and I decided to get adventurous and take the children to the farmers market this past Saturday. The only thing that unnerved me was knowing that everyone there would know I knew nothing about healthy food or lifestyle, so I tried my best to fit in.

     Husband decided we needed to buy something instead of stroking it softly and whispering, "What is it?", which prompted me to approach the honey vendors.