Monday, May 21, 2012

Check Please

"A restaurant? Surely, you jest. Those went extinct about the same time I stopped wearing pants that button."
Afternoon Readers,

     I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. I won't keep you in suspense. I had a fantastic weekend as well. I tasted the forbidden fruit of unbridled freedom and it was intoxicating. Husband graciously accepted the paper-wrapped rock I threw through his windshield, explaining that I was leaving for the evening, and out I went with just the ladies in my family. For anyone else who hasn't eaten dinner out since we all tried the gaucho pant thing that didn't work out, I've whipped up a quick guide to minimize awkwardness if an invitation to shower and socialize arises.

1.) Arrival Time

     I like to make sure I'm early. For instance, after doing my makeup by the light of the parking garage, I made sure I was a good twenty minutes early. Showing up this far in advance made sure that I could find a server who didn't have a problem talking to the side of my face that didn't have eye liner connecting my nose to my ear.

I was able to pick the seat I wanted, wave at strangers I thought were my family, and have time to go over the menu. "Is your lemonade made with real lemons?"

"Yes."

"Can I get the fish in fillet or stick?"

"No."

"Marci?"

"Yes?"

"This water has ice in it, and that makes me uncomfortable. Our ice machine's been broken for ages, and I'd really prefer something warm, from the tap, with unmentionables from the city floating in it."

2.) Ordering

     This wasn't a challenge for me after having time to peruse the establishment's fare, but the waiter had to tell me to go sit down, after I followed him back to the kitchen and asked him if I could eat by the stove, as I was accustomed. This makes me a little angry as I've heard the customer's always right, and I enjoy counting the crumbs that have fallen in the burners while I eat spaghetti with my hands.
 This is how I invented the number seventy-threesandth...

"But if I sit on that big sack of flower over there?"

"No, Mam."

"Even if I remembered to wear underthings?"

3.) The Check

     This part I had a hard time understanding, and so did our waiter....

"Your check, Miss."

"What is this, your contact information?"

"No, this is what you owe."

"Excuse me, Sir, but I cook three times a day, and no one ever pays me for it. Now, take your piece of paper and be gone."

"I'm afraid it's not optional."

"I'm afraid, life's tough, and although the pasta was divine, you'll have to con some other shoddy looking mother with only one armpit shaved."

     After much haggling, I decided that if he kept insisting that much, he probably needed the money for college or tattoo school, so I gave him my credit card. After all, it was nice to get out on my own, have dinner in peace, and not have to share my fork with anyone. I just hope that silly man used my money for a good cause.

Until Next Time, Readers!

   

21 comments:

  1. Don't give them money! They're just going to waste it on booze.

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    1. See, that's what I said...whispered...implied.

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  2. They were pretty strict, not letting you sit on the flour even though you were wearing underthings!! In the future, I'd have to advise less formal establishments.

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    1. Agreed. Next week, I'm treating myself to a quiet dinner in the McDonald's kitchen.

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  3. Dear Paige, you mean they wouldn't let you put on an apron!?!?!

    Peace.

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    1. Dee, I'm surprised they let me put my own napkin in my lap...so rude.

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  4. I love this..."Even if I remembered to wear underthings?" You don't get out much, do you?

    This is a gem.

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    1. I don't...and it's a good thing because I also don'thave enough underthings to make multiple trips in a week.

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  5. People get paid to make food!?! Is there someplace we can go for backpay?

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  6. OH, NOOOOOOOOOO! You gave in & PAID them? Now we're in trouble. You DO know they're using that money to learn ... (insert scary music) ... FRENCH. And once they DO, they'll CONVERT that establishment to a bistro which draws you in with it's cuteness. THEN they'll have a menu interspersed with whatever French words that previously mentioned $$ paid for them to learn, and each time YOU have to ask, "What the hell is #6 on this menu? And by the WAY, it smells like SNAILS in here. Do you have a garden or do you simply need an exterminator?" they will add $500 to your final bill REGARDLESS of what you order. See, Paige? There's a price WE pay when we pay someone else to cook for us. Sigh.

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    1. An excellent point, Kai. Now that I think about it, I believe the bottom half of that bill was in French. I knew I should've saved my copy. I thought I imagined that extra charge for snails and handling, but now I'm not so sure.

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  7. Oh Paige, I laughed the whole time I was reading this - especially the part about eating by the stove. Hang on... still laughing... I went out to eat with my husband last weekend - it was a date, but the baby was kind enough to tag along to ensure there wasn't any funny business. I'd have probably followed the server back to the kitchen, too, if we'd ever been able to find her. Now I need to go fire up fb and the twitter machine to share your funnies. :)

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing! Yes, there's nothing like the baby riding along to make sure that you'll have to find a table that accommodates a highchair so that she can survey and stop any potential hand holding going on under the table. Babies are nature's chaperones...yay...ok, not yay.

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  8. Sharing this. Loved eating spaghetti with your hands. I do the same with hummus! wheeeeeeeeee!

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    1. I believe most moms end up eating at least two out of three meals with their hands. It's faster, easier, and saves us a dish we'll end up cleaning later. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  9. The next time you're in New Jersey, look me up. We'll go out after 7pm, light a menu on fire with the mood-setting candle, insist I'm allergic to Jour so can't have the Soup du Jour, eat dessert first and forget our pants in the powder room before we leave. It will be awesome.

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    1. Kim, that sounds fantastic. Let me just find someone to leave these kids with, barter some of my belongings for a plane ticket, and we're off! You had me at lighting things on fire.

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  10. The minute my husband says "yes" I run out the door, sometimes arriving days before the actual event because I'm just so thrilled to escape. This was absolutely hysterical!

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    1. Thank you! Yes, I too am out the door and at the establishment without even giving the poor man time to go to the bathroom or make sure all the children are accounted for.

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  11. EXTRAORDINARILY helpful--thank you! Especially as I'm anticipating a night out upcoming very soon (at least sometime in the next 20 yrs.), this will be very useful.

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