Monday, May 7, 2012

Dear Flea, It's Not Like We Entered You In The Hunger Games

I also didn't make you wear this stupid coat, so can it.
Afternoon Readers,

     There comes a time in every couple's life when they can't decide who left the dog outside overnight. Although neither of us meant to, Husband and I came to the realization that we locked Flea out for the evening without so much as a "Would you care for a blanket or a half-empty can of pepper spray to fend off intruders?" Husband said he looked terrified when he let him in, the next day.

And I quote: "He looked terrified."

As you know, I usually don't apologize to the dog, but, as I too would've been terrified if Husband had locked me outside all night again, I thought I'd write the dog a small mea culpa of sorts...emphasis on "of sorts".

Please note: "mea culpa" is being loosely translated today as, "I'm not really sorry at all. Not even a little bit." Ancient philosophers agree that this is what was originally meant.

Dear Flea,

    I'm really tired today because Butch decided to climb in bed with me last night and slap me in the face repeatedly. Also, I'm quite fat now, so watching me sleep is something close to watching a walrus dance to Lou Bega's 1999 smash, "Mambo No. 5".

But you're the one who has problems...

Leaving you outside was definitely an oversight, but you acted like we entered you in the Hunger Games and made sure you didn't get a backpack full of weapons and/or food. No one tried to kill you.

Wait...no one tried to kill you, right?

The fact of the matter is, your kind's been sleeping outside for thousands of years. And you know what? None of them got to sleep on the couch and watch Real Housewives when they thought everyone else was asleep. That's right. I hear what you're doing. That, and I know that you know that I know you know where my secret stash of Doritos is, and you crawl up there and steal them. You're gonna get so fat, and then we'll be fat together, and who does that help?

No one....except the Doritos company and possibly Weight Watchers, when I call and sounds ridiculous asking for a "Dog and owner discount package". Because I don't think Kirstie Alley ever waddled on the screen, dragging a diabetic poodle behind her.

So, the next time I "accidentally" lock you out, try to to lose the attitude. Some of us would pay good money to sleep under a cushion-less couch next a bucket of my old cigarette butts.

Until Next Time, Readers!

27 comments:

  1. Poor little Flea... Maybe he/she will behave a bit better for a few days anyways.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, Tracy, no luck yet. He's now tempting me to leave him outside all the time.

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  2. Dear Mommy--Why did you lock me out? I didn't do anything & I promise I'll never do it again!

    How can you be so sure it was me that gets into your Doritos stash? It was probably your husband or one of those two little people that live here. It definitely wasn't me!

    PS--Please don't put the Doritos up any higher or I won't be able to reach them at all!

    Flea

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    Replies
    1. Regardless of the fact that your computer says I sent the last message, I DIDN'T!! Your dog has obviously hacked into my account.

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    2. Obviously. You would never send me anything like that, ever...lol That being said, we need to do something about this chronic hacking problem with the dogs. They must be stopped!

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  3. It's like those people at the animal shelter who make you promise the animal you adopt will be kept inside at all times as if even a gentle breeze will blow a 100lb dog into oncoming traffic. Animals natural habitat is outside. If anything, this is good lesson for Flea to remind him how spoiled he is :)

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    Replies
    1. Agreed! He is spoiled. Now that I think about it. I'm tired of bringing him his dinner on a silver platter, as well. No more that. No way.

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  4. Replies
    1. It'd be even funnier if you let him come live with you. Inbox me if this works for you.

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  5. How dare you make your dog actually live like a dog! Have you no heart!?! Hehehe, our pets were generally never allowed to sleep inside.

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    1. I have no heart, but Husband likes for him to sleep inside. I was sure he'd be ok outside, but, for some reason, my better half thinks the dog should be allowed to snuggle under our bed.

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  6. I didn't write that, either.

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    Replies
    1. Fishducky, I'm starting to suspect something. I'm not sure what, but I think it has something to do with you and witty comments.

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  7. I locked the cat in the office once. Had no idea until I heard him crying on the other side of the door.

    I am just thankful he didn't take it out on my carpet.

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    Replies
    1. The carpet's always the first to be attacked, so I'm relieved for you. Flea got locked in our office a couple years ago and threw up on the carpet...ugh.

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  8. You killed me with the walrus dancing to Mambo No. 5. Hahahaaaaaa!!!

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  9. The part about the walrus & Mambo No. 5 killed me.

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    Replies
    1. I hear it's actually quite terrifying in person, Kelley...lol

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  10. I locked the cat in the bathroom the other day. When I opened the door, she came out with claws flying!

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    Replies
    1. Cats take it way more personally. That's why I need a pet that doesn't mind my backhanded comments.

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  11. Like they say, it's a dog's life.

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    Replies
    1. That it is. If it were my life, I would've adopted myself to the next family.

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  12. Poor Flea! You didn't even toss him an oreo? Shame shame everybody knows your name. Oh wait that's because your famous. Dang it!

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    Replies
    1. Now I'm just famous for scarring the dog for life...LOL No Oreos. Husband fed him some steak the other night, and that's just enough in my opinion...spoiled, spoiled dog.

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  13. My cats are out all the time at night. Mind you, they do have their own door.

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    Replies
    1. If only Flea could realize he could be out there hunting things in the dark and sleeping under the stars. We have a thriving June Bug population that could be all his.

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