Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It Came From the Deep: Tales of Maternity Swimwear Shopping

"Shhh, Marlene. Just poke it with a stick and maybe it'll float back upstream."
Afternoon Readers,

     I'm glad you stopped by today. I just finished noticing how I've stayed exactly the same size as I was before I was pregnant.

I was spinning around in front of my mirror, yelling, "This hills are alive, because I am so skinny. Ahhhhhh!"

Which is great, because now all I have to do is pull out my swimsuit from last year, try desperately to squeeze into it, from the bottom up, pass out from lack of oxygen, and wake up to realize that I'm actually not the same size as last year, and I now have enough girth to move our car by falling forward just slightly.

     Last year, I had to reconcile myself with buying the first whole-piece suit I'd had in years. This year, I need a whole piece on whole wheat bread, purchased from Whole Foods, with a sign on the butt that says,

"If you value you're life, you may want to move your whole self five feet to the left before I sits on you and we have to sheepishly call for the Jaws of Life to move your whole lifeless body from under my left cheek.

...also, I think I sat on one of your kid's pool toys and Buzz Lightyear may have to be surgically removed. Thank you and enjoy your summer" 

     So, after much searching, I texted Husband this morning...

Me: Just bought a maternity suit.

Husband: Is it a string bikini?

Me: Umm...no.

     I guess I could've gone into the entire process with him, but who wants to hear about me Googling, "maternity swimsuit" and getting hits for:

Sale! Pup Tents!
Poaching Whales illegally
Tickets to see the bearded lady
Canvas in bulk
How To Park an Ocean Liner
Nessie is real and in our pool
Replacement sails for boats

     After being directed to five clearance sales for black market buffalo hides and an application for Ripley's Believe it or Not, I found my way to Amazon and picked something out, only after I navigated the sizing chart..

Please pick one:

"Small Pickup truck"
"Medium sized tractor trailer"
"Large enough that Barnum and Bailey could set up comfortably without having to set up an extra tent for the elephants."

All things considered, this is what's coming to my house via ground shipping...

I know what you're thinking, but I got it in blue, so it should be pretty snazzy.

Until Next Time, Readers!