Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I'll Never Have Enough Tupperware To Buy A New Car

"I'm telling you, I've got a wheel of cheese with your name on it." ..... "And I'm telling you, lady, we don't sell cars to crazy people."
Morning Readers,

     I'll get right to it. I saw a car I liked. It was beautiful and looked like it was comprised primarily of all my dreams and smooth white chocolate. I wanted to curl up in the leather captain's chairs and tell them about my hopes, whisper my aspirations to the third row seating, pat the unmarred steering wheel and ask, "Where to today, Captain, my Captain?" The price tag said I couldn't. The button that said, "We finance anyone, even squirrels," said, "Yes."

     I clicked the link. "Hello, my name is Paige Kellerman. I heard you finance squirrels. I am looking to purchase a new squirrel. No, wait, I meant I'm looking to purchase a new car. I like the one I'm pointing to on my screen."

     Luckily, I contacted the one dealer who took time out of his busy schedule to respond to me within the minute. I've heard it's hard to get their attention, kind of like when buzzards smell a dead carcass and ignore it for days until some other animal eats it. I'm also not very good at analogies. "Hi there! This is Justin. What vehicle are you interested in?"

     "The one that will give me a sense of self-worth."

     "Oh, so you're looking at the white one."

     "Yes, that's the one I'm licking..liking..interested in. Hold on. I'm looking for some screen cleaner. My husband usually hides it."

     "Would you like me to send you the financing work sheet, so you can see if you qualify?"

     "Yes."

     *worksheet pops into box*

     "Dear Justin, it says here you need to know how much money we make a month. That seems a little forward."

     "We just want to know if you can afford the payments. Nothing personal."

     "It's personal when we were delicately going to broach the subject of paying with things we found at garage sales. Old VHS tapes, Matchbox cars, brown Tupperware...that kind of thing. I can also do fairly realistic renderings of landscapes, on Windows Paint."

     "Mrs. Kellerman, we prefer money."

     I used a Kleenex to shine the chrome rims on my screen. "Sir, you never would've survived in feudal England."

     "Are you writing from England?"

     "No. I'm writing from a place deep in my heart that wants to drive this car, pretend I'm young again, and drag race teenagers while simultaneously hoping they don't notice the kids in my back seat. Things we all want, sir."

     In the end, we actually did qualify for financing, but they turned around and sold the car to someone who apparently offered them money. But I have a feeling Justin wasn't totally honest and didn't mention that whoever stole my dream car also slipped some Tupperware under the table to sweeten the deal. So, our search continues.


Until Next Time, Readers!

    

  

34 comments:

  1. Does he not realize how priceless VHS tapes are??? True it's only because nobody would pay money for them so they put them in free boxes but the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is priceless too and that would be extremely generous to give for a car. He doesn't understand reasoning very well...

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    1. Obviously not. I mean, how could you pass up a copy of Snow White that only plays half way through? I mean, honestly.

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  2. Financing sucks, but "Pillow Talk," well, that's epic!!! I LOVE that picture ;)

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    1. LOL...yes, it definitely rates among the things I least like to do in life, like wash the dog or clean under the couch.

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  3. I think Justin my have another one in his pocket JUST for you *wink wink*

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    1. Ha! I think Husband is probably going to be happier if Justin stays where he's at and we follow other leads...lol

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  4. Ok you had me rolling with this one. I used to work for a car dealership, and there is two things you should know. The car probably wasn't for sale to begin with and secondly IF you can wait deal with buying a car in Dec or Jan. They get paid on commision and NO one wants to go car shopping then so they will wheel and deal their happy butts off. Plus their new lines are about to come out so they HAVE to get rid of as many of last years model before the new ones come in. You're welcome. haha

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    1. I trust your judgement. The last car we bought was in the winter and they seemed ready to negotiate. I'm not sure how long we can go without more space, but we're definitely going to keep our eyes open. Somthing always comes along right when we need it....:)

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  5. What's the deal with brown Tupperware, anyway? They don't manufacture it anymore, yet it won't go away - like its ugliness deemed it was no longer suited for life in the kitchen, but instead of just dying out it adapted and made the garage sale its natural habitat.

    Good luck with the car - I'd give you advice, but somehow I always end up coming home with a squirrel, and they get terrible gas mileage.

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    1. Haven't you heard that brown Tupperware is immortal? It also watches you sleep at night. That's why they had to discontinue it. They just haven't found a way to kill it yet.

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  6. I would leave a comment but my body is in CA & I think I left my brain in CT. I've checked my suitcase & it's not there. What if I have to use it again someday?

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    1. I hear you. I feel like my brain is on stand by right now...I always check the freezer. Everyone knows it stays fresher in there.

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  7. Fave line: " I like the one I'm pointing to on my screen."

    And I'm point to you, Paige Kelllerman.

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    1. Right back at ya, Nicole. *high fives screen*

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  8. Ah, the one that got away. Bummer. At least you got a blog out of it.

    For what it's worth, I've found that with cars and houses, if we just roll with the flow, we get what we need. Hope you get what you need soon, and that it has all the chocolate you've ever dreamed of. More importantly, I hope it starts every time you turn the key and doesn't stop until you get where you're going. :)

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    1. Ya know, Piper, I think I end all occurrences in my life with, "At least I got a blog post out of it"...probably far more often than is healthy for a person. Chocolate, keys, it's gotta have the works...or, you're right, be working. Numero uno importance.

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  9. Let's see--"I before E except after C", e=Mc2--yep, it was in the freezer! How did you know???

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    1. I always know, my dear Fishducky. I always know.

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  10. I love that you somehow worked in feudal England.

    Oh the stress of finding a car BEFORE a new baby arives and invades everyone's space. I hope the magic car fairy delivers something that makes you and your wallet happy.

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    1. If I hadn't worked in feudal England, I would've failed. Yep, once we find a new car, I can sit back and relax. Up until that point, I'll be practicing my sailor's knots for whatever unlucky Kellerman child has to ride on the roof of the current vehicle.

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  11. Maybe you can spiff up the tupperware a bit, put some bling on it, and display it in the garage. That will kick up the self-worth a few notches! Good luck in the hunt! :D

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    1. Bedazzle it??? Kathy, you're a genius. *runs off to find glue gun*

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  12. I think you could get a car made of white chocolate for pretty cheap. I've seen chocolate molded into all kinds of shapes. Won't drive worth shit, but it would taste good, if you like white chocolate. Shit, wait...can I say shit in your comments?

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    1. In this case, I think it's warranted...LOL Someone get me some chocolate and a car, stat! Also, thank you so much for picking me to be in your top five! I'm so flattered!

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  13. I am so in love with your writing, Paige! Funniest posts ever--and no, the loser would so not have survived in feudal England. You, obviously, would have--on your sarcastic wit alone ;)

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    1. Thanks Meredith! I would've survived as long as no one challenged me to a duel. I'm all thumbs when it comes to wielding a broad sword AND coming up with witty comebacks.

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  14. Congrats on making Tracy's Top 5 at Finding the Funny (and rightfully so...love your sense of humor)!
    If only places did take payment via Matchbox cars or VHS tapes. I could also go on a spending spree if they accepted Lego bricks and/or sippy cup lids missing valves.

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    1. Gracias, Christie! It's definitely an honor, especially coming from such a funny lady. And "Amen" to the sippy cups. Where the heck do all those darn parts go. I wonder if they'd take a leaky Elmo cup and a less than leak proof Dora the Explorer?

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  15. Does the tupperware come with tops? Because you can't put a value on that. I would give my left arm for tupperware with tops.

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  16. Day by day technology have been upgraded. Like VHS tapes, DVD has taken the market of VHS tapes. Most of our home there may have some old VHS tapes on the shelves. So I suggest everyone to transfer the old VHS tape on to DVD. VHS to DVD transfer

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