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| "Marge, I just love when you bring your ukulele to the beach, then we have a reason to carry the giant parasol." |
Today I'm proud to bring you this week's research from the place the majority of you probably neither know nor love, but someone's gotta be the crack reporter, sifting through pool toys and making sure no one's peed in the beach bag. I know what you're thinking, "Paige, how did I get so lucky on a Friday in June?" And to you I say...
...my full name is Paige Rabbit Foot Random Penny Heads Up Never Broken A Mirror Kellerman.
And now, while you're deciding whether my name really needed hyphens or not.
Paige Kellerman Productions Presents
Letters From the Shallow End of The Baby Pool
Part II: Thank You For Not Being Perfect
June 8, 2012
Dear Other Moms In the Pool,
Thank you for not being perfect. Before I dressed in my large tankini and carried the twins under each arm like two, loud duffle bags, I had my reservations I'd be the only non-perfect mom in the baby pool. Today, I'd like to take the time to thank you individually.
Mom who's pregnant and and wears tankini like mine, thank you for being there to divide the attention between you and I. Also, thank you for understanding when I sat down too fast and caused the title wave that carried your toddler out to the concession stand.If you ever find her, tell her I'm sorry and to grab me a Snickers.
And to you mom whose boobs touch her knees when she sits down. Thank you for reminding us that gravity isn't anyone's friend, and for giving me the courage to find the padding that goes inside my swimsuit, before I even turn the key in the ignition.
A special gracias to you overly tan mom with seemingly perfect abs. Up-close your stomach is actually a weathered map of the East Indies, and that makes me happy. Although it's now known as Indian Subcontinent, so if you could sculpt your veins to spell that out instead, historical accuracy will make it worth it to keep packing this giant beach bag, which is slowly wearing away my rotator cuff.
A special gracias to you overly tan mom with seemingly perfect abs. Up-close your stomach is actually a weathered map of the East Indies, and that makes me happy. Although it's now known as Indian Subcontinent, so if you could sculpt your veins to spell that out instead, historical accuracy will make it worth it to keep packing this giant beach bag, which is slowly wearing away my rotator cuff.
Token mom who, although wearing a tankini, looks pretty much perfect by the entire world's standards, thank you for not sitting close enough to me that people could put us in mental columns. You also earn extra points for letting Sundance look for that sailboat under your legs. That was really awkward and you laughed it off. Keep on being perfect.
...just not within three feet of me.
Sincerely,
Paige
Until Next Time, Readers!
Posts
Sounds like a good time might have been had by all. The lady reworking her map of the east Indies is pretty hysterical. Please let us know when she's finished her assigned project.
ReplyDeleteyes, I look forward to see what the summer has in store for her. Perhaps she'll go really authentic and will start curling up around the edges or transform into a pirate treasure map.
DeleteAh the moments that make life worth while lol
ReplyDeleteThat make it a possibility to talk myself back into the pool...
DeleteI hope Sundance peed while under Token Mom's legs! That will teach her to be perfect!
ReplyDeleteShe may have. And I'm sure Perfect Mom knows...sigh.
DeleteI hate to brag, but some of us, like me, are NATURALLY perfect! (That is, if you don't count our memories, age, stretch marks on our sagging bellies, memories, waist-length breasts, memories, faces & hair. And memories. Did I say memories?)
ReplyDeleteWait, was that you doing that front somersault double tuck pike off the high dive the other day? You were fabulous. I hate you.
DeleteYou know, Miss PRFRPHUNBAMK, I...wait...I'm distracted by boobs...
ReplyDeleteAlways a hazard when I use that word in my post. Start from the beginning and try to skip over that part...
DeleteYou put on a bathing suit???? You are my courageous hero of a hero...
ReplyDeleteHeroes save people. I just try to limit how much I horrify them.
DeleteI couldn't stop laughing after the two loud duffle bag visual, and now I continue to laugh at your nearly sincere, "Keep on being perfect," which is my new motto to be used both when people are being annoyingly perfect and painfully imperfect (I'm looking at you, lady who held the door open just long enough to drop it in my face).
ReplyDeleteAhh, the Door Dropper. Haven't had that happen to me in a while, but it's a delight every time it happens. Stay perfect, people. Stay perfect.
ReplyDeleteYou had me cracking up! I have seen the perfect mom, but it was never me lol :) I couldn't stop laughing about the tidal wave that carried the toddler out of the pool, I will probably be laughing about this at dinner tonight. I am one that has a sudden memory of something funny at a time when they family will look at me like a loose nut when I just start laughing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh, I needed that to start my Monday off on a good note :)
Sadly, I will never claim the Perfect Mom title either. And yes, pool tidal waves are extremely serious, and result in masive lines at the concession stand. So glad you stopped by!
DeleteSounds like the perfect bunch to hang out with--sign me up ;)
ReplyDeleteThey're all quite delightful in their imperfections...:)
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