Friday, June 15, 2012

Letters From The Shallow End of the Baby Pool: Hoarders

Another tragic game of Sea Horse the Impaler...
Morning Readers,

     It's Friday, and you all know what that means. That's right...I had Honey Grahams for breakfast...except, they were the off-brand kind, and I've also eaten them for the last four days straight, so that doesn't make Friday special at all. What does make Friday special is yet another installment of our summer series.

Cue Vivaldi's Four Seasons.

Cue baby deer running across an open field.

Cue me staring at the half-pee, half-urine, half water, half-chlorinated recesses of an expose' filled, concrete basin of intrigue.

Cue this week's installment of...

Letters From the Shallow End of the Baby Pool
Part III: Hoarders

June 15, 2012

Dear Parents and Other Household Bread Winners,

     Thank you for the toys you picked out for my children. They loved them. I hope your children love the toys I picked out for them as well. I know when we all went to the store to pick out pool toys for our own offspring, we really thought we were catering to their tastes and were doing the rest of the pool a favor by purchasing things that would keep them out of the deep end, but also out of that old lady's purse who's just trying to tan the rest of her years away in sweet, wrinkly peace.

But what do we know?

The fact is that all of our children are dirty little hoarders, especially Sundance. I've never really let her watch Hoarders, so it must be a recessive guard-all-eighty-of-your-china-cats gene, but here we are.

Did she take your kid's baby doll that "swims" through the water like a little, plastic Reagan from The Exorcist? Yes.

Did she break up your kid's tea party, proclaim her own tea party, yank a little plastic cup and run off to serve herself some nice, hot Earl Grey pool water? Absolutely.

Did she find a net, march around the pool like a tiny Captain Quint, and collect you child's shark and every other loose toy in the pool? Yes. And also moved to the middle of the pool and danced to Steely Dan in celebration. ..er...also yes.

And can't we all agree that's something everyone needs from time to time?

While she was hoarding, so was your kid. I'm now down three plastic fish, two frisbees, and one "sea 'orse", which is asked for daily, nightly, and somewhere around lunch time. It was red. We named him Howard. If you see him, tell him to come home. My mom always said you can never trust a sea horse. 
She'd say, "Paige, never trust a sea horse."

So, congrats to us. We did a bang-up job picking out toys for each other's kids. Now, go tell your spouse to get back out there and work that nine-to-five. Sundance needs a new canoe. Otherwise, she'll never be able to steal the rest of what you brought.

Until Next Time, Readers!