Friday, June 29, 2012

Letters From the Shallow End: The Tale of the Great Flying Woman

With the help of double-sided tape, she'd show the word anything was possible.
Afternoon Readers,

     You know what makes you feel young again? Listening to Supertramp. Probably because when the song I'm listening to came out I wasn't even born yet. If listening to this song calls up memories of smoking at the bowling alley while trying to get that popular guy with the Camero to notice you...I'm sorry I just ruined your Friday.

Know what'll make you feel better?

...no, I'm all out of Vicodin. I'm shocked you'd ask.... see me after I have this baby.

No, no, it's time, of course, for another horrifying tale from the ever-crowded, ever-urine-filled, popular hangout of the diaper set and the mothers who are there to tan that weird line under their armpit away...what the heck is that?It kind of looks like Bob Costas' profile love, nurture and fill another summer full of fun.

Waddle with me to...

Letters From The Shallow End of the Baby Pool
Part IV: The Tale of the Great Flying Woman 

June 29, 2012

Dear Onlookers,

     She was beautiful wasn't she? In all my years, I've never seen someone that round move that gracefully. What's that? I didn't? Stop speaking in third person? But if I speak in third person, I can say things like, 

"Can you believe she slid all the way around the pool like Tanya Harding with a tire iron?" 
and, 

"When she hit that last puddle of water, I haven't seen a sow cow that beautiful since the time I imagined what it'd be like to take the kids to Disney on ice."

You're all just mad because I almost ended up straddling that beach chair and giving any scene in Urban Cowboy a run for its money. Which I don't understand, because they play that movie all the time, and it's not every day you get to see someone who's seven months pregnant chase her toddler around the pool at top speed, wake board off the spackle in the concrete and almost fall flat on her stomach.

The silence was stunning. 

Who would Husband have raise the children? Would she be prettier than his current wife?

Who would repair the giant crater in the concrete after she made contact?

What the heck is Urban Cowboy?

Why does she keep making references to things that came out before her time?

Thank you for asking if I was ok. I think my pride was hurt, and the lifeguard may have seen down my super large maternity top, but I have faith that both will recover with the proper use of drugs and alcohol.

Until Next Time, Readers!