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| With the help of double-sided tape, she'd show the word anything was possible. |
You know what makes you feel young again? Listening to Supertramp. Probably because when the song I'm listening to came out I wasn't even born yet. If listening to this song calls up memories of smoking at the bowling alley while trying to get that popular guy with the Camero to notice you...I'm sorry I just ruined your Friday.
Know what'll make you feel better?
...no, I'm all out of Vicodin. I'm shocked you'd ask.... see me after I have this baby.
No, no, it's time, of course, for another horrifying tale from the ever-crowded, ever-urine-filled, popular hangout of the diaper set and the mothers who are there to
Waddle with me to...
Letters From The Shallow End of the Baby Pool
Part IV: The Tale of the Great Flying Woman
June 29, 2012
Dear Onlookers,
She was beautiful wasn't she? In all my years, I've never seen someone that round move that gracefully. What's that? I didn't? Stop speaking in third person? But if I speak in third person, I can say things like,
"Can you believe she slid all the way around the pool like Tanya Harding with a tire iron?"
and,
"When she hit that last puddle of water, I haven't seen a sow cow that beautiful since the time I imagined what it'd be like to take the kids to Disney on ice."
You're all just mad because I almost ended up straddling that beach chair and giving any scene in Urban Cowboy a run for its money. Which I don't understand, because they play that movie all the time, and it's not every day you get to see someone who's seven months pregnant chase her toddler around the pool at top speed, wake board off the spackle in the concrete and almost fall flat on her stomach.
The silence was stunning.
Who would Husband have raise the children? Would she be prettier than his current wife?
Who would repair the giant crater in the concrete after she made contact?
What the heck is Urban Cowboy?
Why does she keep making references to things that came out before her time?
Thank you for asking if I was ok. I think my pride was hurt, and the lifeguard may have seen down my super large maternity top, but I have faith that both will recover with the proper use of drugs and alcohol.
Until Next Time, Readers!
Posts
Dude. Try not to kill yourself, okay? It's super hard to delivery a baby in that state. Or so I've heard.
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ReplyDeleteSorry too many ty-po's, let me start again...
ReplyDeleteWow Paige, how time flies! 7 months already! Can't believe I've been that busy to come by and say hello to a dear old sweet blog friend who pointed me in the right direction....I so sawwy :(
But, I'm glad to see you're almost there, 2 more months! Be careful Paige (is this a true story? ")) Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say Hola!...really! Tootles! :D
~SimplyyMayra
P.S - how's the book coming along? When can I go buy it! Are you gonna let me know when it's out? Are you mad at me?
P.S.S - BTW, that urban cowboy is John Travolta...just saying.
STOP SCARING THE LITTLE CHILDREN--& THEIR PARENTS!!
ReplyDeleteWhy aren't you a follower yet on my new blog? I thought you liked me!
I see you are, now--thanks!
ReplyDeleteThe new Urban Cowboy is Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike. Glad you survived another trip to the pool. :)
ReplyDeleteI thought I felt a little tremor that day, but I assumed it was because of my face plant/belly flop into the lake that nearly peeled my skin off when I fell off the diving platform. Oh wait, it was. I don't know if I'd rather endure that shame under the scrutiny of strangers, or under the watchful eyes of family members who will never let me live it down.
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