Monday, June 18, 2012

Monday Checklist

"Next time I do a keg stand in the kitchen, I'm putting a towel down first."
Afternoon Readers,

     As grocery shopping's calling my name in that sultry way it's accustomed to, I'm popping in to mention a few things that are worth mentioning before I head to the frozen food aisle, hide in one of the cases and wave at people just for fun. Then again, as it's Monday, I may shake things up and hand people their Birdseye peas instead. If this is something that appeals to you, try making the hand-off while mumbling something like, "They always take all the blankets."

Monday Checklist: Things Worth Mentioning 

1.) Sunday was Father's Day. A lot of people wrote some really nice things about their fathers and husbands yesterday. I didn't, mostly because I'm ungrateful and self centered. Mostly because I was watching Shaun of the Dead with the twins. So, here's where I thank my dad for giving me life and thank Husband for not minding when I covered the babies eyes while I laughed hysterically.
2.) My sister had a baby yesterday. When I visited the hospital, I found out the baby is ridiculously cute. I also found out they won't let you trade in the kids you already have for someone else's newborn. Stupid rules.

3.) I bought my first pair of brand new maternity pants this weekend. I'd like to thank the girl who helped me for not laughing when I said I was looking for white pants.

Also, white jeans may be the best joke the world's played on pregnant women within the last fifty years...even better than the strapless bra or self-tanner that's "streak-free"...whatever that means, said the rare striped tiger lady of Borneo.

Also, Destination Maternity, I'd like to apologize for making all your pants cry.

4.) I laid out and burned my whole front half. I now look like burned my entire front half. In addition, I've had a great time running backwards into traffic, flipping around, and yelling, "Stop."

5.) The search for a new car continues. In the meantime, our current vehicle has started an unattractive squeaking sound no matter where we go. I've restrained myself from crawling under there with a can of WD-40 out of fear of getting lodged permanently and having the most embarrassing obituary known to man.

Please fill me in on your exciting weekends. I'm off to hunt and gather.

Until Next Time, Readers!