Monday, June 25, 2012

Your Face Is On Backwards: Five Steps to Beautiful Makeup

"My kids have bumped into me so many times while I'm doing my makeup, I only poop lipstick."
Afternoon Readers,

     Finally got the twins down for a nap. It's amazing what a few elephant tranquilizers and some NyQuil can do.... get rings out of the tub, people. Not to give to your kids. Kidding. Sort of. Depends on the day you're having. I won't judge. *sets down mortar and pestle and walks away whistling.*

     Speaking of black market Pintrest sedative recipes, I really should've done a search before Saturday evening. One of our friends, taking deep, deep, pity on us, invited this crazy couple to a wedding reception (which was fabulous, by the way), simultaneously implying we should shower and look presentable. I went ahead and didn't count this as the wedding gift, even though it really could've qualified.

     At any rate, I thought this would be a great opportunity to share my top five makeup tips for a night out that'll leave people saying, "Did they let her out of the home?" and...

"I haven't seen that much blush since the old Revlon plant exploded. We lost a lot of good people that day."

My Top Five Makeup Tips
the never-duplicated-for-good-reason Paige Kellerman

 1.) Apply Foundation

     I always have friends tell me they skip this step. Perhaps, if you're naturally beautiful, you don't need to, but I haven't found a good way to fill in the baby claw marks on the right side of my face yet. That, and if there isn't a distinct line between my jaw and my neck, I can't tell if the twins have finally managed decapitate me with that little pink plastic play knife I keep stepping on.

And if you are naturally beautiful, shut up and get off my blog. Kidding. But, seriously, just don't leave it in the comments or I'll find you.

2.) Use Mascara

     What's essential here, is to make sure you bought it within the last decade. I checked mine on Saturday night and was relieved to see that it was bottled in 03'. A great full of promise. It helps to use a tooth pick to scrape out what you can and paste onto as many lashes as possible. This works best while pulling children out of the bath tub. The fact that you'll look like a tarantula should scare them into ceasing their ingestion of body wash.

...also, the bubbles are normal. Just keep giving them water until the foaming stops. Patting them on the back also helps. Just don't shake them up if you want to leave the house anytime soon.

3.) Wear Lipgloss

     But if you chose not to, try using your sand paper lips to scratch out something old-timey for your kids to dance to. 

I like to make selections from "Paige's Big Book of Appalachian Folk Tunes For dry Lips and Washboard".

After all, the reason you're not wearing lip gloss is because they ate it while you were looking for tooth picks to put on your mascara. They also just plugged in your curling iron. Run, don't walk.

4.) Put on That Blush

     Wait, you can't. It got flushed down the toilet five minutes ago. Pinch those cheeks like back alley burlesque dancer, you sassy thing, you.

5.)  Eyeshadow

     I wasn't sure about this one either. You can read more about it here. I know, I too, was fascinated. And all this time, I thought it was the fine art of following one's ex boyfriend in an unmarked van.

     Using all of my go-to techniques, I was able to leave the house, make it to the wedding reception, and only almost hit one car because I couldn't see it behind the eyelid I glued shut with my mascara. It probably didn't help that the wand was swinging from my eyebrow like poor man's fuzzy dice. Feel free to share any tips you guys have. I'm off to make sure I turned that curling iron off on Saturday.

Until Next Time, Readers!