Monday, July 30, 2012

Ermahgerd.... Ert's a Monterge

If you can't read the caption, it says I'm having the time of my life.
Afternoon Readers,

You can blame today's post on Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures. She didn't start the Ermahgerd movement, but she's helped perpetuate it in such a way that I became obsessed, along with a few others who've become fascinated with the meme that will surely become the legendary stuff we'll be talking about until, at least, August.

First, if you're not familiar with what I'm talking talking about, please familiarize...

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Special Saturday Edition: As the Tub Drains

"Mom says if you fall through the floor, we can get rid of the minivan and finally buy something fun."
 Afternoon Readers,

I understand the shock of hearing from me on a Saturday. After all, most of you probably think I spend the weekends playing polo and practical jokes on the butler, but, I actually save all that for Tuesdays, so I was free to write a post today. I wanted so much to write to you yesterday, but I was not only stuck at the doctor's office, I was also mulling over four-hundred-seventy-five reasons sulking was more fun.

All of them dollars.

All of them I hope the extremely nice plumber is putting to good use.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Another Episode of Butch and Sundance Speak....

Confirming my theory that the first six weeks of their life was wasted on formula...
 Morning Readers,

     I believe it was Aristotle who first said, "A blogging mom gets more done when she doesn't have children." Or maybe it was if she doesn't have to arm her husband for battle. In any case, if you've lost track, I'm finishing week thirty-four of this pregnancy and experiencing something close to pulling my energy through slowly drying concrete. So, if I'm making my blog rounds and responding to comments at the speed of a snail in a high energy aerobics class, I apologize and will catch up as quickly as this coffee trumps my fatigue.

     Compounding the newest Kellerman's need to pick pocket half my energy is the twin's desire to ask for things from the time the sun comes up until it goes down. And when there's no sun at all. Conversations this week that have me wondering if there's a boarding school that'll take two two-year-olds and one newborn...:

Courtesy of Sundance:

Monday, July 23, 2012

Penguin Called and I Answered: A Review For Catalog Living At Its Most Absurd

Morning Readers,

I have a confession to make....I love to decorate... my mind....never in real life.

Mostly because decorators tend to make me feel like if I attempt to place three objects in descending order on any flat surface, I'll cause my house to implode, or explode. Either or, I don't think our insurance would cover it, so I leave my walls bare and my coffee table free of decorative balls. But that's exactly why I was so happy to formally meet Gary and Elaine, the fictional characters living in everyone's favorite Pottery Barn Magazine.

Recently, the good folks at Penguin contacted me and asked if I'd like to read and review Molly Erdman's new book, Catalog Living At Its Most Absurd: Decorating Takes (Wicker) Balls. If you've never heard of Molly or her fantastically hilarious blog, "Catalog Living", it is you who have not lived, my friends.

Feel free to click over and treat yourself to one of the funniest sites you'll ever come across. I'll wait. I have to go get more coffee anyway.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Take A Number

Afternoon Readers,

Those of you watching my every move, probably noticed I was almost completely silent on social media yesterday. So, to that one fan out in Bangladesh, I'm sorry. I hope the camels were at least doing something entertaining. To the rest of you, all I have to say is that I had a date with the DMV, and that pretty much sums it up.

Good night folks.

Tip Your waitress.

Or your camel.

...Well, wait, I guess there a couple things worth mentioning, as it was the longest wait in the history of man. As beautiful and shiny as our new Department of Motor Vehicles is, they got so backed up yesterday that all numbers had been taken by 10am. Which meant I had the pleasure of not being called until 4:30p. Which also meant I was able to observe...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Of Bedtime and Potential Murder

"We figured we'd let them put themselves to bed while we made a break for the border. I'm not sure how to say, "I've never had any children," in Spanish.
Afternoon Readers,

     I'll live and die by the rule that I must always love my spouse, but I don't have to like him every day. It's impossible. Have you ever tried to like someone all the time? It's more extinguishing than when I go after that one stray hair on my chin every other Monday. "But, I like my spouse all the time," you say.

Shut it. No you don't.

And the reason you don't, is because you end up doing things like splitting..nay... trying to split responsibility like the un-ripe cantaloupe that it is. Lately, Butch and Sundance have decided they don't need to go to bed anytime before dawn. After Googling, "shackles" and realizing they're frowned upon by child services, Husband and I were forced to start taking shifts of sitting in their room and making sure they went to sleep.

This has led to all sorts of tactics to avoid the inevitable. If we were mature, we'd alternate every night and be done with it. Instead, we like to play a little game called, "If I do this tonight, will the other person kill me?"

Techniques employed:

Monday, July 16, 2012

A Van For All Seasons

"And it has seat belts and everything. I mean, we won't make you pay for the twine or anything."
Afternoon Readers,

     I hoped you all enjoyed Friday's blog post about not blogging. It was only after the fact I realized I'd just made you read something, that I also realized that perhaps I had technically blogged, but you all were probably like, "I'm so glad I clicked her link instead of doing something fun, like de-ticking the dog."

But, onwards and upwards....

     While you were being oh so patient with me, Husband and I took the time to finalize the purchase of the new Kellerman named for being owned by Kellermans and also being capable of forward and backward motion powered by gas.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Plans Vs. Reality

"I thought she said she was gonna blog today." ..."Yeah, well, nobody told me I'd have to wear a jean skirt for this movie either."
Afternoon Readers,

In short....

Plan: Write truly inspiring blog post which surpasses its masterfully written content only by its hilarity.

Hoped For Reaction: Lots of assumed laughter that can't be heard over the internet

Reality: Running around like a Kim Kardashian who can't find her spanx, because we're trying to get this van out of someone else's garage and into our own...legally.

Please accept my humble apologies in the form of a mean spirited cat meme...
Until Next Time, Readers!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Happy Helpers Club Strikes Again

"They said they were here to help, and then burned the bathroom to a hallow shell. I have to poop in a bucket until the insurance money comes in."
 Afternoon Readers,

     It'd been nine months since I'd seen the Happy Helpers Club Inc, but today they showed up, again unannounced, and again, I'm almost one hundred percent sure, uninvited. They handed me their business card. I already had the last one on file, but they were very proud because they'd just ordered new ones and now they were laminated and, they claim, "totally green"...what I assumed to mean, made out of recycled lemur tails. To their credit, the printing was impeccable:

The Happy Helper's Club Inc.

-We "Help" Out and Stuff-
Twitter: @paininthebutt
p: 123-4567
fax: We never have all of them..

Monday, July 9, 2012

Toddler Sick Bay

"What happened to her?" ..."We're not sure. But we think it's Toddler-induced Mannequin Syndrome from over-exposure."
Afternoon Readers,

     I haven't read it in a while, but I'm fairly sure Dante's Inferno specifies the third circle of Hell being one sick twin needing to be taken care of while the other stays completely healthy and capable of breaking things. Yes, poor Butch has been taken ill by something of unknown origin, which has enabled him to make the most pitiful and unrelenting moaning sound that has yet to stop since five this morning.  But, being the lucky woman I am, have a willing nurse's aid who's made today's journey a joy. I got to take a look at her nursing handbook and was able to shed some light on her particular methods of tending to the ailing.

(Excerpt from Pages 5-17 Toddler Guidebook To Nursing)

Question : When the patient has a fever, you...
Answer: Sit on his head until he starts screaming uncontrollably. Try and make sure to administer treatment while the head nurse is getting her coffee.

Question: If the patient is dehydrated, you...
Answer: Steal his juice until he starts screaming again. Lick the straw so that identical symptoms show within twenty-four hours.

Question: While the head nurse is rocking the patient into a comatose state, you should be...
Answer: Spilling her coffee and reformatting the desktop icons on the computer. (If you've worked with computers before, try and take this time to reset any passwords.)

Question: To make the patient more comfortable, you should...
Answer: Try to squeeze in next to him on the couch and shout his name as loudly as possible, while pointing at the TV and yelling, "That's funny, Momma!"

Patients fluids should be administrated via IV, cup or...
Answer: By squeezing his juice all over the floor and onto your clean outfit. Be sure to tell the head nurse to change you as soon as possible. Catching cold due to damp clothe's been killing people for centuries.

      Yes, between the moaning, fever, and attempts to watch me every time I go to the bathroom, the Kellerman sick room is really hopping today. And the only reason Sundance hasn't been fired from her post is her uncanny capability to know when to look at me, frown, and say, "He got da fevwer, Momma?"

Because she's not just a nurse, she's a nurse from 1805...

Until Next Time, Readers!


Friday, July 6, 2012

A Russian, A Suburbanite, and A Business Man Walk Into A Bar....

"Mrs. Kellerman, you buy my car, no?" ...."Umm, no. I think the doors are supposed to stay closed when it's moving."
Afternoon Readers,

     Good news first, I think we finally found a car. I don't want to jinx it though, as we still have to fill out miles of paperwork, get insurance, submit vials of our blood, etc, but if all goes well with the tribal rain dance Husband and I are planning for around midnight, you may just be reading the words of one happy new/old car owner. Which reminds me, is a loin cloth hand wash or can it go on a delicate cycle in the machine? It's one of those things you only want to buy once and someone won't think to give you as a gift, so.


     The man we're buying it from is nice and normal and didn't try to leave my body in a ditch on the test drive, so that's not story worthy. The first two tries at finding the car went something like...

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy Birthday to Our Nation and Our Marriage: Or...I'm Glad You Got the Crabs You Were Looking For

And they walked off into "You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into Land"....
Morning Readers,

     First of...Happy Birthday, USA! I didn't get you anything this year, but I'm getting ready to eat a very full breakfast, so I'll dedicate one of the two waffles slated for death to you. Don't worry though, yesterday was Husband and I's third anniversary, and I didn't get him anything either. Well, he got a card, I just lied. Ugh...I just lied to my country. Ok, I'll make up for it by telling you about Husband getting what he really wanted last night.

...and the plot thickens.

...the plot also deposits us in the middle of Red Lobster.

...the plot would also like to affirm for you that, yes, sometimes we do classy things like go to Red Lobster. And wear deodorant. Not each other's. We've got our own.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Caution: Extreme Couponing In Progress

"Here's the canned tomatoes." ..."Sir, that's an economy sized jar of Preparation H." ...."Yeah, I don't actually work here."
Morning Readers,

     Before we head out to attempt a fraction of Monday's errands, I wanted to send out a huge congratulations to the two ladies who checked out in front of me on Saturday. Let me just say that I love being stuck in line. I love it even more when that opportunity presents itself as a learning experience. My love doubles over and turns into two magical intertwining rainbows caressing a unicorn, when I get to go through that learning experience with the twins.

     You guys worked as a team to hold up a line for twenty five minutes, but that doesn't make me angry. That makes me appreciate the time you provided me to make little miniatures of Rodin's Thinker out of Rice Krispy Treats for the twins while you "price matched".