Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Of Bedtime and Potential Murder

"We figured we'd let them put themselves to bed while we made a break for the border. I'm not sure how to say, "I've never had any children," in Spanish.
Afternoon Readers,

     I'll live and die by the rule that I must always love my spouse, but I don't have to like him every day. It's impossible. Have you ever tried to like someone all the time? It's more extinguishing than when I go after that one stray hair on my chin every other Monday. "But, I like my spouse all the time," you say.

Shut it. No you don't.

And the reason you don't, is because you end up doing things like splitting..nay... trying to split responsibility like the un-ripe cantaloupe that it is. Lately, Butch and Sundance have decided they don't need to go to bed anytime before dawn. After Googling, "shackles" and realizing they're frowned upon by child services, Husband and I were forced to start taking shifts of sitting in their room and making sure they went to sleep.

This has led to all sorts of tactics to avoid the inevitable. If we were mature, we'd alternate every night and be done with it. Instead, we like to play a little game called, "If I do this tonight, will the other person kill me?"

Techniques employed:

"Playing Oppossum"

Husband appears to go into the deepest sleep on the couch ever observed by man.
I poke him with a stick. "Are you ok?"
He doesn't move, yet mumbles something in his sleep about clown fish.
I turn to go, but catch movement from the corner of my eye. "Are you sure you're asleep?"
He flips over while shouting, "Everyone out of the cave. There's killer bats."

I am defeated and climb the stairs.

"Waiting It Out"

Last night, the hours ticked by and the twins were still awake. Every so often, we'd look at each other and look back at the baseball game. This is a risky tactic to use, but standing your ground is a must. I was prepared to let the babies stay up until 2am if I had to. Sundance sat down. "I sleepy."

I smiled without looking away from the TV. "Daddy will put you in bed in just a little bit."
"Oh, is that what we're doing here?"
*Never break eye contact with the TV if you're holding out any hope of this working. Don't tip your hand."

Point, me.

"The 'Look What I Did' Approach"

Most days, we'll try to out-do each other and guilt the other person into bed time...

I'll twirl around in my apron. "Look, I made dinner."

Husband winks. "Look, I went to work."

"Did I tell you I washed your underwear just how you like it?"

He rubs my shoulders. "How's that?"

"In water."

"Mmm...did you notice how I cleaned the kitchen last night?"

I wink. "Did you notice when I gestated the children for nine months and then had them surgically removed from my body, which looks more like a wrinkly old suitcase than anything I can possibly use as a simile?"

"You're a charming woman. Did you see how I swept out the garage and organized everything you keep throwing down there?"

"You cad. I told you I'm pregnant, right?"

This is usually a toss up. Depending on our moods, one person might cave, but, the most likely scenario is defaulting to tactics one and two and hoping for the best.

So, right now, we're in love...just not in like....but I'd like it if you shared anything close to this that's happening in your neck of the woods.

Until Next Time, Readers!