Friday, July 6, 2012

A Russian, A Suburbanite, and A Business Man Walk Into A Bar....

"Mrs. Kellerman, you buy my car, no?" ...."Umm, no. I think the doors are supposed to stay closed when it's moving."
Afternoon Readers,

     Good news first, I think we finally found a car. I don't want to jinx it though, as we still have to fill out miles of paperwork, get insurance, submit vials of our blood, etc, but if all goes well with the tribal rain dance Husband and I are planning for around midnight, you may just be reading the words of one happy new/old car owner. Which reminds me, is a loin cloth hand wash or can it go on a delicate cycle in the machine? It's one of those things you only want to buy once and someone won't think to give you as a gift, so.

Anywho....

     The man we're buying it from is nice and normal and didn't try to leave my body in a ditch on the test drive, so that's not story worthy. The first two tries at finding the car went something like...

"I'm Olga, and I'd like very much you buy automobile."

"Olga, we'd like to test drive this van. Anything wrong with it?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Doors only not close sometime."

"Sometime?"

"Yes."

"Would that be likely to happen on the highway or on residential jaunts? Like, if I got up in the middle of the night and and was all, "I need cheese right now."

"Only when car is moving. You get checkbook. I wait."

Next.... *Cue new scenery*

Quiet on the set...and....Action.

"Hi, I'm Dan and I enjoy the posh suburban life I live. Everything you see here was ordered from Pottery Barn."

"Even the shrubs?"

"Even the shrubs."

"What would you call this type of house? Dutch Colonial?"

"I'd probably call it what you dream about at night. Look, there's grass in the back yard."

"Damn it, Dan. You're right."

"So, here's the van. The price is pretty fair. We're looking to upgrade to something that would make this purchase look like you distracted a homeless man with pie and drove off with it."

"Oh, that sounds great. You're so nice, it makes me forget that I want your life."

"I know, right?"

"Anyway, we'd love to take it off your hands, but we'll need to do part in cash and part finance. Is that ok?"

*The audience notes the confusion on Dan's face and watches while he processes that the pregnant woman standing in front of him is poor.*

"Actually, I was hoping that someone would write me a check for the whole thing. It's a pretty fair price."

"You know, Dan, Husband and I love the word "fair", but we really only use it when we're eating cotton candy and debating whether or not to get on the Ferris wheel."

"Well, I'll call you if the other two people looking at it don't want it. I'm sorry we couldn't work something out. Be really careful driving back to your ghetto."

"Thanks, Dan. Enjoy your life...I know I do...would... I'm pregnant and disoriented."

     In the end, a listing popped out of nowhere and had exactly what we were looking for. This thing comes with seats, a steering wheel, brakes, and something that latches the hood down. I'm talking fully loaded. Hopefully, everything will be settled by next week, and we'll be the proud owners of something that will hold all of our children...but if not, we invested in bungee ties and saved the Russian's number.

Until Next Time, Readers!

P.S.....don't hesitate to share any of your car buying experiences. We all enjoy laughing at each other here where it's never in person.