Monday, July 9, 2012

Toddler Sick Bay

"What happened to her?" ..."We're not sure. But we think it's Toddler-induced Mannequin Syndrome from over-exposure."
Afternoon Readers,

     I haven't read it in a while, but I'm fairly sure Dante's Inferno specifies the third circle of Hell being one sick twin needing to be taken care of while the other stays completely healthy and capable of breaking things. Yes, poor Butch has been taken ill by something of unknown origin, which has enabled him to make the most pitiful and unrelenting moaning sound that has yet to stop since five this morning.  But, being the lucky woman I am, have a willing nurse's aid who's made today's journey a joy. I got to take a look at her nursing handbook and was able to shed some light on her particular methods of tending to the ailing.

(Excerpt from Pages 5-17 Toddler Guidebook To Nursing)

Question : When the patient has a fever, you...
Answer: Sit on his head until he starts screaming uncontrollably. Try and make sure to administer treatment while the head nurse is getting her coffee.

Question: If the patient is dehydrated, you...
Answer: Steal his juice until he starts screaming again. Lick the straw so that identical symptoms show within twenty-four hours.

Question: While the head nurse is rocking the patient into a comatose state, you should be...
Answer: Spilling her coffee and reformatting the desktop icons on the computer. (If you've worked with computers before, try and take this time to reset any passwords.)

Question: To make the patient more comfortable, you should...
Answer: Try to squeeze in next to him on the couch and shout his name as loudly as possible, while pointing at the TV and yelling, "That's funny, Momma!"

Patients fluids should be administrated via IV, cup or...
Answer: By squeezing his juice all over the floor and onto your clean outfit. Be sure to tell the head nurse to change you as soon as possible. Catching cold due to damp clothe's been killing people for centuries.

      Yes, between the moaning, fever, and attempts to watch me every time I go to the bathroom, the Kellerman sick room is really hopping today. And the only reason Sundance hasn't been fired from her post is her uncanny capability to know when to look at me, frown, and say, "He got da fevwer, Momma?"

Because she's not just a nurse, she's a nurse from 1805...

Until Next Time, Readers!