Thursday, August 2, 2012

And Then We Broke It

"Yeah, Patty. We just got a report that someone ran into some else's car door. Responding as soon as we find our car door. Over."
 Afternoon Readers,

I don't think you can fully prepare your children for prison, unless you use the precise combination of swear words that will gift them the vernacular they'll need to avoid getting shanked. Lucky for me, I was given one of those rare teaching opportunities this morning. Parenting fail? Perhaps. But, if there were any other way to navigate what we had to do, without dropping serious verbage, no one bothered to rip that page out of the Parenting Guidebook, Modge Podge it to a board, and Pintrest it where I could find it.

In short...someone ran into our new van yesterday. No one was hurt. Van not looking so good.

Yes, after the dear gentleman ran the red light and decided our new car needed less room on the driver's side, it required a call to his insurance and, in true form, I must recount in a conversation montage. Because, if I don't, I'm coming to your house, sitting in your living room and crying about it while I go through your liqueur stock.

I might do that anyway.

*Ring Ring*

"Hi, this is Stephanie. You need to file a claim?"

"Hi there, Stephanie. Yes, it seems one of your insureds hated our new van so he ran into it. Kidding, but he did, and holding one of the kids outside the window to see if it's ok to change lanes without a mirror seems to be frowned upon. Or so say the conversation boards on the internet."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Well, you'll be glad to know that he takes full responsibility and all you'll have to do now is drop the car off at the body shop and a rental car will pick you up."

"Stephanie, that sounds so easy, it sounds to me you're talking about someone else's life."

*fast forward to body shop*

"Hi, I'm here to drop my twins off. Ha! I kid! Just dropping the van off while we wait for the rental car."

Shop manager looks at me like I forgot and walked out of the house naked again. "Well, they didn't tell me you needed it fixed right away. We can start work on it a month from now."

"That's ok, I've got a spare rickshaw I'll be pulling these kids around in until I give birth."

*collects crying children from all corners of the office*

"Better call your insurance."

*Ring Ring*

"Insurance."

"I need a new body shop. I also need someone to help scrape my dead body from this car after they find me curled in a ball and unresponsive after all the child screams I'll be subjected to... the same child screams that wouldn't let me get past the first option on your voice automated menu. As it turns out, feral mountain lion durges sound like, "Yes, I'd like a quote on a new Kia Spectra."

"Sorry about that, Mrs. Kellerman. Here's the new body shop to take it to."

"Ok, I'll just wait here for the rental car."

 *45 minutes later*

"Hi, rental car people. I'm sitting in the parking lot waiting to die and I haven't seen you yet."

"Oh, that's because we transferred your order out to another rental car place that's literally six feet from where you're parked, but, because no one told us to call you, we've let you sit there doing the dance of death. Or, as it's known in Spain, "Baile de la muerte." 

"Charming, I'll be right over."

*signs paperwork and pulls crying children out of all corners of rental car office. Proceeds to follow nice, smiling girl to new body shop*

"Hi, new body shop people. Here are my keys."

"Hi, Mrs.Kellerman. We'll get your van right in. Until then, the rental car people will help get your carseats in the new car and get you on your way. By the by, I think your son just slammed his sister's finger in the door."

"By jove, he did. Let me just collect all of these screaming children and go slink back to the parking lot."

*You can go grab a snack here, or imagine what it would look like if two rental agents sat by and watched as an eight month pregnant woman tried to keep two toddlers from getting hit in a parking lot while she simultaneously pulled both car seats from the old car to the new one...*  


"Here are your keys. Have a nice day."


"Thanks, rental car lady. I appreciate you rewarding my hard work with zero help and even less cool van than I originally had. Because, if it had happened to be a Lexus or a sporty Mercedes, I would've considered myself better than everyone for the next week. Humility save. High five."

So, the important thing here is that we're all safe. Even more important is that I'll be able to drink in four weeks. 

Until next time, Readers!