Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Eviction Notice: A Letter to the Newest Kellerman

Afternoon Readers,

     Things have gotten dire around here. A piece of advice... If you're ever nine months pregnant and ridiculously tired because you can't sleep through the night, and then you happen to fall asleep on the couch instead of keeping the closest eye on your twins, don't bother to go look why they've been so quiet.

Because, you don't really want to know they've taken everything out of their closet, stripped out of their diapers, and started painting a random bottle of baby lotion all over everything. You don't. You roll back over and dream you have different children who are teaching themselves to read and sewing new drapes for their room.

I shouldn't have looked. But, because I did, it's about time I also served the smallest Kellerman with an eviction notice. I need to be able to sleep on my stomach. I need to be able to keep my house from being turned into some sort of oil slick even BP would look at and say..

"Damn."

Eviction Notice

August 28, 2012

Dear Baby Kellerman,

     Please get out. Not only am I waiting for your arrival, so are all four thousand...four hundred...four.... ok, I know at least your grandma reads this every day, so she's waiting for you to get out as well. 

I can't keep up with your brother and sister. Yesterday, I even caught them talking about dividing up your stuff and dragging it back to their room. I can only hold them off for so long. They just spread baby lotion all over the house and then peed on my bed. 

And before you even think it, yes, I called animal control, and they won't take them away unless they're actual animals. "But, one of them bit me," I said.

Unfortunately, the lady on the other end kept going on about about responsibility, muzzles, blah blah blah. And do I know "how many toddlers get dropped off here every year?"

As for you, you're really fat, and now I can't sleep. It's kind of like if John Candy was still around and decided that, instead of making really great movies, he was going to sit on my stomach every night.

So, here we are. Please pack your bags and be out no later than September 4th.

Sincerely,

Your Landlord



50 comments:

  1. I think you are being very reasonable.

    Here, kids find me intimidating so let me try:
    GET OUT OF HER BELLY.

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    1. I think it may have worked....or that was a small foot cracking my right rib in sheer terror...lmao

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  2. Very polite...for now. I will check back on September 5th. :)

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    1. Ha! I'm trying to be as civil as possible. If he or she hasn't arrived before the 4th, the 4th it shall be regardless.

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  3. Could you please pop that kiddo out on Sunday? That would do well for me.

    Also, I'm not sure which is worse: your kids painting with lotion, or The Boy covering himself in after-sun aloe lotion and trying to wash it off in the toilet water that The Girl had just peed in and not flushed.

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    1. I wish it was Sunday, but it'll be a c-section on the 4th if the baby doesn't decide it wants to come earlier.

      And, I think you may win here. Just hearing about having to clean up pee water at this point in the pregnancy, kinda makes me want to curl up in a ball and start crying. Here's to you and the wife!

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  4. Trying to serve her an eviction notice was just plain silly for several reasons. How can you prove she got it? Secondly, she's too young to read it. Even if she could read, it's dark in there & I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a flashlight unless Butch or Sundance smuggled one in for her. If they did, that COULD be what's making you so uncomfortable. Also, why did I assume that your baby is a girl?

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    1. Oh, he or she knows... I can feel it. Besides, I thought all children were born knowing how to read, and the twins were the only ones who couldn't. No? I also have a feeling it's a girl, but I'm wrong a lot, but you're right a lot, so where does that leave us, Fishducky?

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  5. Yep hurry up and pop out baby. All your Internet Aunties are looking forward to 'meeting' you.

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    1. I know...LOL I was just laughing with Husband about that yesterday. That this baby is being waited on by all my blog friends I've never met, but are still some of my best friends ever. This Kellerbaby is super lucky to have so many people who fear for its being raised by me.

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  6. git that baby outta there! Maybe you should have alarms installed with cameras in every bed room. Maybe one of those ankle cuffs with GPS?

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    1. Susan, it's gotten to that point. I'm thinking about making the investment, just so I don't try to walk up the stairs and find the whole thing under water some how...sigh.

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  7. Another downside to having John Candy sit on your stomach all night would be that he would probably make you laugh a lot which also might hurt your stomach.

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    1. I didn't even think about that, but it's perfectly valid. I can't ever let Husband make me laugh anymore because it hurts too bad. And he's a funny man, so the whole John Candy senario kinda of scares the crap out of me.

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  8. Just found you. Read the above post, laughed till I cried - okay, peed, fine, have it your way - and now I'm going to go find you on facebook, I hope, because I will not lose track of your wonderful writing :-)

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    1. Nice to meet you, Cynthia! I love making new friends around here as much as I love Gin and Tonics...and that's whole lot. Hope to see your smiling face around here all the time!

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  9. Are you sure you want it to come out. You'll have three of them to deal with then.

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    1. At this point, Tony, it's either the baby comes out, or my lungs are crushed into non-existence. Nature's little way of saying, "It's time." Well played, Nature. Well played...

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  10. Take a nice calm breath and repeat after me: They are easier inside than outside.

    I know I'm sporting the unpopular opinion today but when he (or she) arrives he is all needy and you're getting less sleep than more, and he wants to eat all the darn time.

    Which reminds me, you do own cages, right? (High chair activities work well too) but you're going to want to lock Butch and Sundance up every time you have to spend 30 minutes feeding your baby because chasing them down with one attached to your body or one you're trying to hold a bottle for is just downright annoying.

    Hang in there and good luck Mom!

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    1. I know, Marian. It's a tough thing to confront, knowing the work that's waiting, but wanting to sleep through the night without your back cracking in half.

      That said, I do own cages...er..Pack N' Plays...but the twins are as smart as velociraptors and I'm, unfortunately, the doomed Australian game keeper in the scenario.

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  11. Hi. I'm new to your blog and I just spent the last twenty minutes reading all of your columns. You are friggin hilarious! I hope your annoying tenant will leave the premises soon, for your sake, but I do hope it won't truncate this glorious writing I've just discovered. Oh well. I'll just have to peruse old posts, and that's fine, but I cannot tell you how excited I get when I discover a new, funny blog. Yours is like the creme filling of a Cadbury egg. Delicious.

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    1. Well, hey there! And thank you so much! You had me at Cadbury Egg. That may very well be the greatest compliment I've ever received. I may have to print it out and hang it over my desk, kitchen table, laundry-folding station. So glad you found your way over and look forward to seeing you often!

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  12. I'm so glad I found you! This. Is. My. Life. Actually, I am you in a few years and you may not want to know what happens next. I have two four year olds, boy and a girl and a 3 year old boy. What they can do to this house in the time it takes me to blink is insane.
    We actually HAD an oil spill, my son unscrewed a cabinet to get the childproof lock off and dumped a bottle of leather oil on the floor. The baby then crawled through it and coated himself. I couldn't even pick him up. I will stop there, this may have put you into labor. Anyway, so good to meet you, hoping that baby is out asap.

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    1. Jessica...comrade in arms...me amiga... Although I don't enjoy that particular glance into the future, I know that it's coming and I must face it, or find a really good hiding spot.

      The oily substances are the worst. Nothing like pink baby lotion in the carpet, bean bag chair, blankets, on all arms, legs and hair to leave everything smelling baby fresh and give you that certain velocity one always looks for when sliding down the stairs. That said, leather oil is ten times worse, and I bow down to you not losing your mind while you tried to clean it up and catch a slippery baby.

      So glad to meet you and know that there's someone else out there who's got a one-way ticket to the crazy house just like me...:)

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  13. Substitute your baby lotion with SHIT and you have my "left the twins alone and all I got was this old spring break tee shirt to mop up the mess" story.

    Good luck with the eviction.

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    1. Ugh! I know. Those are always ten times worse than just lotion or soap. The night before, my daughter went in and pooped on my bed and peed on the fresh sheets the next day. It's enough to make you want to change your name and move to a remote corner of Alaska...

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  14. Ok don't get mad but Kellerbaby and I have an agreement that he/she will be born on September 7th. This weekend is super busy after all with the book fair and blogfest and dang it the 7th is my birthday and that would just be awesome. So you are gonna have to suffer mama cause you aint there yet. Ok you can now begin to throw things in my general direction. Count to 5 first so I can log off here and not actually get mama slapped.

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    1. It is so like Kellerbaby to keep these things from me. But, unbeknownst to him or her, the birthday will be Sept 4th, like it or not. I won't throw things because I like you too darn much, but I will wish you an early Happy Birthday!! And best of luck with the blogfest!

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  15. I'm gonna call it- laboring on Labor Day. It'll be the best story ever!

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    1. Nothing beats your birth story! You're pretty much Super Woman in my eyes. But if the baby wanted to come on Labor Day, I wouldn't object...:)

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  16. My sister in Law is also due on the fourth with her third. The other two are 4 and 2. Maybe I should forward your eviction notice to her as well...

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    1. Absolutely! It's really just a standard form anyone should be able to print out and serve to their tenant in the 39th week of pregnancy.

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  17. Your post reminds me of when I was pregnant with my son. I was as big as a house and had one ugly brown flowered dress that was the only thing that still fit. We lived in Florida and it was hotter than blazes. I was fat, hot tired, exhausted really and just ready for the is 3 week overdue child to just come out already. I sat in the airconditioned house and had a major meltdown. My husband came home from work, took a look at me and said, " Let's go for a walk it will make you feel better. More tears," my shoes don't fit!" So we went bare footed. It had rained that afternoon and so it was a bit muggy and frogs and worms were out all over the place. As I walked along hand in hand with my sweet husband I began to feel a little better... and then it happened, I not only stepped on a frog who jumped in front of me,I killed it! Last straw,, endof the world , I wanted to die. I cried and cried while my husband tried to move the frog, clean my foot and dry my tears while holding back his laughter. Yes laughter, HOW COULD HE! But as these things go, laughter it was, for years. My son is now 6"4" and is 34 years old and we still laugh about it.

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    1. Hahahahahahaha....that story is so cringe-worthy yet hilarious, I don't even know where to start. Ask any one of my friends around here and they'll tell you I don't get along with Nature in any capacity, especially barefoot on a wet sidewalk, with frogs and worms running amok. I would've rolled over and had some sort of mental breakdown. Hats off to you, and I'm so glad to meet another mother who's lived to tell the tale!

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  18. Come on out Baby Kellerman. With twins in the house, no matter what craziness you pull, you will be referred to as "an easy baby."

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    1. No kidding. No matter what this baby does, at least it can't be in two places at once, destroying all the things I've ever owned. Unless it's a super hero and I'm unaware...and that would be my luck.

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  19. LMAO. Try deciding it isn't really going to happen within the next 24 hours and eating a big meal with lots of chicken friend steak, french fries, and gravy.

    Baby Kellerman, I am volunteering to represent your mother pro bono in evicting you, and I've got some friends that would make the Corlioni family cry like little girls. Don't mess with your mama, or you'll be dealing with me. It's time for you to move on out.

    Good luck, Paige!

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    1. I totally destroyed some gravy and chicken this week, but nothing..LOL Now that the baby knows about your connections though, I just heard it say it's changing its name and moving to an unknown part of my uterus. Fantastic...;)

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  20. Oh, the lung smashing, the sleepless nights, the John Candy sitting on your midsection until you pee your pants and choke on your own esophagus... Good times. I remember practically bursting into tears with the palpable desire to sleep on my stomach. My baby is now 15 months old, and I still sleep on my side because she screams if she's not physically touching me. Someday, though, someday - I'm holding a good, solid stomach-sleep out in front of myself like the proverbial carrot to get myself through this period, which hopefully will eventually come to an end... And oh yeah- GET OUTTA YOUR MAMA, BABY KELLERMAN! If you're gonna keep her up and make her uncomfortable, you might as well do it out in the open where she can cuddle you.

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  21. Just found you from Bad Parenting Moments and this just cracked me up!!! Hopefully you'll get some relief soon. Isn't it amazing how such a small, teeny creature can just make you feel like you're wrestling with a herd of elephants daily???

    Good luck!!
    Teri
    Snarkfest

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  22. Oh I totally understand how you feel I was late with 3 of 4 pregnancies and induced with 2. Good luck. Funny post.

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  23. And here i thought my toothache was bad. I remember those days, all too well and 4 kids later they serve as permanent birth control. Actuallly my life could scare the hell out of anyone thinking about having children. Best of luck!
    Stef @momspirational

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  24. Lol, I hear ya sister! I just have the one toddler to chase after and it's killing me.

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  25. I love your humor! And my daughter covered her whole room in baby powder yesterday so i feel your pain!

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  26. This is perfect, Paige! You sound so scary, threatening and SERIOUS. I'm sure Baby Kellerman got the message and is on the way out. Excuse me while I go clean myself up after snorting my coffee because of that ecard...

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  27. I'm new here, but I am defo coming back because I selfishly admit that reading this made me feel a bit better about my own kid chaos today. Hope #3's arrival goes smoothly!

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