Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Eviction Notice: A Letter to the Newest Kellerman

Afternoon Readers,

     Things have gotten dire around here. A piece of advice... If you're ever nine months pregnant and ridiculously tired because you can't sleep through the night, and then you happen to fall asleep on the couch instead of keeping the closest eye on your twins, don't bother to go look why they've been so quiet.

Because, you don't really want to know they've taken everything out of their closet, stripped out of their diapers, and started painting a random bottle of baby lotion all over everything. You don't. You roll back over and dream you have different children who are teaching themselves to read and sewing new drapes for their room.

I shouldn't have looked. But, because I did, it's about time I also served the smallest Kellerman with an eviction notice. I need to be able to sleep on my stomach. I need to be able to keep my house from being turned into some sort of oil slick even BP would look at and say..

"Damn."

Eviction Notice

August 28, 2012

Dear Baby Kellerman,

     Please get out. Not only am I waiting for your arrival, so are all four thousand...four hundred...four.... ok, I know at least your grandma reads this every day, so she's waiting for you to get out as well. 

I can't keep up with your brother and sister. Yesterday, I even caught them talking about dividing up your stuff and dragging it back to their room. I can only hold them off for so long. They just spread baby lotion all over the house and then peed on my bed. 

And before you even think it, yes, I called animal control, and they won't take them away unless they're actual animals. "But, one of them bit me," I said.

Unfortunately, the lady on the other end kept going on about about responsibility, muzzles, blah blah blah. And do I know "how many toddlers get dropped off here every year?"

As for you, you're really fat, and now I can't sleep. It's kind of like if John Candy was still around and decided that, instead of making really great movies, he was going to sit on my stomach every night.

So, here we are. Please pack your bags and be out no later than September 4th.

Sincerely,

Your Landlord