Tuesday, August 21, 2012

From Bad to Worse

Morning Readers,

     You know what they say, "When life totals both your cars, make lemonade." They don't? You can't make lemonade out of a car?

Well, Paula Dean and I are gonna have to have a little talk.

By now, all of you know that the new van we bought a couple of weeks ago was fatally love-tapped by another driver. What you don't know is life doesn't seem to have much regard for our personal property right now, and came back to claim anything else that may be drivable in our house.

Call from Husband on Saturday: "Hi, umm...I'm sitting on the side of the highway."

Answer from tired wife: "It's safer to be in a car when you're on the highway. So says the the secret order of the opossums."

Husband: "Someone just sideswiped me and totaled the other car."

Veeeeery Pregnant Wife: "Umm..."

Husband: "So, that's that."

Woman trying hard not to lose all strength and birth baby on the kitchen floor: ....

Husband: "You still there?"

Wife: "Yes, just giving my uterus the old, "Just hang in there because every cloud has a silver lining, which is like your lining, which needs to stay in tact to keep the baby in until we can completely overhaul our financial situation" pep talk. Be with you shortly."

Readers, I hate the fact all I've been posting about lately has been our cars, but it seems the universe has deemed that to be the only suitable blog fodder I be granted.

Fact: This baby could fall out today.

Fact: We've at least found another van.

Fact: Yesterday, I had this conversation with the adjuster for our, now totaled, four door work car.

"Hi, this is Jennifer. Just letting you know you're car is a total loss and we'll be giving you five dollars and a Tootsie Pop."

"Actually Jennifer, I think I'd have better luck buying a new car with the half-eaten fruit snack I found stuck to the bottom of my foot this morning."

"I see."

"Yeah, we're not settling on this until the pregnant lady is perfectly happy. Mmm 'k? Actually, if I were you, I'd take a sick day tomorrow. Because I've got two minutes left on my phone, and all two of them will be used to find a price we can agree on. If I have to re-charge my minutes before they renew at midnight, I will sneak into your offices, like a feral cat, and give birth on someone's desk."

So, if I'm a little slow at getting around to everyone's blog or responding to all of your much-appreciated and awesome comments this week, it's only because I'm going round for round with yet another insurance company...or giving birth on someone's desk. If I make the evening news, you'll probably figure out which course of action seemed to be the most effective.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. Oh geez... I'm so sorry. Rip car #2. I can't even imagine how stressed you must be. We just had baby #2 & shortly after, my company called to pick up my company car. It was like a week after I launched my blog & I was like shitttt I'm fired. I wasn't & we sorted out the car issue but my point is that I can't imagine your stress whilst still preggo! I know you're busy & I don't expect a response... Just wanted to reach out & send virtual hugs :-)

  2. Somehow you manage to make having two totaled cars funny. I wouldn't even want to manage that nightmare not pregnant. May such stress before delivery mean your birthing experience will be perfect in every way. Good luck!

  3. I have never heard of birth being used as a threat before. Chilling.

  4. Your threat is novel & interesting, but probably ineffective. It's got to be much cheaper for the insurance company to replace an employee's desk than your car!

  5. You poor thing. I feel bad laughing at your pain, but you are hilarious. I hope everything from here on out is smooth sailing.

  6. My car crash was in February 2011. We've settled medical and are still working on pain and suffering. That to say, I know what you're dealing with, and you be strong and stand your ground. Good luck! And lawyer up as early as possible.

  7. Maybe this is a call to your family to harken back to the good'ol horse and buggy days. Enough of this engine/gasoline/car totaling business, at least in this case you'd have animal-rights activists on your side if someone messed with your horse. I will go in on it with you, I'm sure the kids would have more fun too.

    1. p.s. that seriously sucks and I am seriously sorry.

  8. Okay, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but I love that you talk to your uterus in the midst of all the excitement. Does it listen? Does this work? This is extremely impressive. Hang in there...

  9. There have got to be a lot of souls going from purgatory to Heaven right now for all your sufferings and headaches and holding baby in and all! Good Job you guys! That is all so crazy. Glad husband is ok!! Prayers for you all!
    The Black Family

  10. Paige, I can't one up that story. You win.

  11. You poor thing! My swollen feet and hands seem so insignificant now. And here i was freaking out because i didnt have Bryce's going home outfit......

    Hope everything gets worked out soon!!!!

  12. Un-bee-leevable. I'm so sorry - let me know if you need someone to give you a lift to the hospital. You think we could both fit on a Moped?

  13. Oh, man! I hope you've got a Lexus SUV coming your way for all of this trouble. This so sucks! And at the end of your pregnancy, to boot. My heart goes out to you, Paige. Good luck, and many prayers.

  14. Oh, you're a funny Chiquita! What a story. I mean, really bad luck. Sorry to hear that. But the way you tell your story is hysterical.

    Came to you from #FindignTheFunny.

  15. Ooohh, shooooot.

    At least you still have someecards.com.

  16. I think when your husband said "so that's that" I might have had to reach through the phone and strangle him. Wow.

  17. I can really relate to your car problems! Sorry that the insurance is not going well. I have had some bad experiences myself! Ugh! I hope you get it all figured out.