Friday, August 10, 2012

House of Horrors

"I need to get some sleep. I'm so delirious, I don't even know who you are. Just that you have a mustache and wear an ascot and I agreed to have children with you."
Afternoon Readers,

     My mother has a saying, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." I used to laugh at her, but she's still alive and I've yet to see her go to sleep. I know, now, mothers aren't meant to sleep. So, I, too, shall welcome the Grim Reaper when he shows up with my sleep number mattress and black silk pajamas. Death, you shall be sweet and filled with feather pillows. As you know, we haven't been sleeping much, thanks to the twins never wanting to sleep.

We finally did something about it.

I rolled over one morning. "I'm tired of being tired."

Husband rolled over to face me. "And I'm tired of being married to Steve Buscemi."

"It's like you don't even respect my work in Fargo."

"It was a great film."

"I spent my entire 401K on coverup, and these circles still say, "You'll be a greeter at Walmart when you're seventy because the makeup didn't work, and now you're broke and smell like Vick's VapoRub."

So, we pow wowed and came up with a plan. 

I propped my eyelids open over my mug so the hot coffee would stimulate my pupils to recognize the light. "So, what's the plan? Hypnotize them? Pay them off with fake promises to send them to college? Sell them on ebay?"

"We lock them in their room."

"I like it."

That night, we put them in bed and shut the door. A great first step, as listening to the deafening and heart-rending screams of one's children through a hollow core door is the surest way to discern that no one should've ever let you be a parent. But, abruptly, they went to sleep.

We were awesome, until the first scream at eleven. And the second at midnight. And the third, prolonged at one, two, and three. We clung together in bed. I squeezed Husband's hand. "What if they break out and find us? What if our dental records aren't up to date and the police can't identify our bodies and we're buried in unmarked graves?"

He went and knocked on the door, "You two lay down and go to sleep," and shuffled back to bed.

I looked out from under the covers. "Don't come back in here. What if one of them followed you? No need for both of us to die when the better-looking one was safe."

The rest of the evening was spent in wakeful sleep. Last night was a mild improvement. Tonight, I've decided to stay only on the grounds they're my children and look enough like me, no one at the fire station would believe I was dropping them off because I, "Just found them wandering around my yard."

Until Next Time, Readers!

23 comments:

  1. Getting small children to sleep is the hardest thing ever in the world to do ever EVER.
    Every night I get mine to leave me the eff alone between...say...8pm-6:45am, I feel like I deserve a goddamn medal.
    I'm pretty much on year 7 of sleep training. FUN.

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    1. Yep, we've decided on 8pm every night...no negotiations. No one told me they'd be doing this AFTER we got them to sleep through the night as babies. This will not stand.

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  2. I like this SO much more than awkward conversation, as I indicated above, mostly because I don't have twins and love to sleep through the night. Good luck with this, and for the record, you were GREAT on the Sopranos.

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    1. Thanks! Finally someone who appreciates my work. And enjoy that sleeping through the night thing. It's now the most distant of memories. You'll have to stop back by and tell me stories about it so I don't forget.

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  3. Re your sleeping problem: I gave my friend a refrigerator magnet with a picture of a VERY bedraggled woman on it. It says, "I finally figured it out. I was very bad & this is HELL!"
    Sound about right to you???

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    1. I've found myself wondering the very same thing. Or maybe that I'm still asleep in some sort of Matrix and no one can wake me up from my dreams of never sleeping...I'm sending them to your house for a month. I'm glad you agree.

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  4. I would rather be chopped up and placed into a wood chipper than have to go through sleep training again.

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    1. It's starting to sound like a viable option. Why does no one warn you about these things???

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  5. I also locked mine in their rooms. Of course, once they were asleep, I unlocked the door. Now a days they are in the bedroom downstairs and go to bed on their own...

    ...still freaks me out when one wanders upstairs to pee.

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    1. I can't WAIT until they put themselves to bed. They're just really bad about wondering around the house in the middle of the night. Freaks me out when I hear them running into things in the living room.

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  6. Forgive me. I feel your pain, but that didn't stop me from laughing. Chin up, kiddo. Someday, they'll have kids who'll keep THEM awake at night.

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    1. But that's so far aaaaaawaaaaaay, Susan. That was the best I could do at typing how much I'm whining.

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  7. I'm an idiot!!! All the children were trained, they sleep like little angels made of snoring stone, and then I had another one!!! What was I thinking? And I'm still in the "I can't sleep because she hangs off my boob all night but please don't tell the pediatrician because I lie about it at every visit but I just can't keep her asleep any other way" stage - she's not even on her own room yet. ::smacks forehead::

    Of course I wouldn't trade it for anything, not even sleep (she adds quickly).

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    1. But, in all fairness, she is one of the cutest babies ever. Seriously, the captions she comes up with for her pictures are blog gold. I'd keep her around for her superb writing skills, if nothing else...:)

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    2. I guess, as long as she continues to make herself useful...

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  8. Mine was a problem for years. But I'm sure that's no reflection on what you can expect. None at all!!! We almost didn't have little girl because we were so sleep deprived. But we stopped answering the call and let the boy cry through the night. That was a start. Hope that they don't start wandering into your room when they are older. That's not a fun one to deal with either. Now, little girl - she slept through the night right from the start. Doctor told me to wake her up for feedings every few hours. FORGET THAT! Hell no was I doing that and messing up a good thing. She still sleeps forever - once I can get her to stop running around like a crazy child and actually go to bed. You have SO many fun years ahead. :D

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    1. That's why we've had to do the whole shutting them in at night thing. They would get up and either wander around the house and potentially run into things in the dark, or come into our room and push us around and take all the space in the bed. Which was not flying with me, now that I'm huge. At least your little girl was a break from the crazy. Mine are doing the same thing at the same time. And it seems gender doesn't discriminate when it comes to who's going to ruin my sleep every night...sigh.

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  9. Oh this is the hardest thing ever, speaking from way too many years of experience! But, truly it is the best thing you can do with those little cherubs to keep them safe!

    I think getting my last one to sleep through the night (as well as to quit nagging me "nurse, mommy?" while pulling on my shirt) and just plain GO to sleep, was the hardest part of parenting . . . in retrospect! It's ALL hard!

    But, eventually they grow up and I am having so much fun with my college girls, I think the sleep deprived years were worth it . . . maybe??

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    1. It's been hard, but the piece of mind knowing they're not wandering around potentially hurting themselves or breaking something makes it worth it. Things are settling down considerably, but I'll be really proud if we can get them to college without needing to still shut them in their rooms...then again, maybe that's not such a bad idea.

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  10. How is it that you can make the Grim Reaper seem like a welcome friend? I'm with you--if he's got a sleep number in hand, count me in.

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    1. Only because he'll bring sleep...eternal judgement....but I guess I can deal with that if I can close my eyes without someone slapping me on the forehead and asking for milk.

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  11. My six year old still won't fall asleep unless he's in our bed and then The Hubby carries him to his bunk bed. Yes, bunk bed. Top bunk. This shit needs to stop...but I'm sure it won't be long before he's not interested in snuggling anymore, so I will enjoy it while it lasts. Found you on Thoughts From Paris and I'm your new follower!

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    1. Yeah, I'm trying to keep in mind that, one day. I won't be cool anymore and none of them will want to talk to me on any sort of regular basis. At least they think I'm awesome right now....even if the sight of them at three in the morning makes me kind of want to relocate to Bangladesh and leave them with their father. Thanks for stopping by!

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