Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Jury Duty

Morning Readers,

     I hope you all had a great weekend. I would've checked in yesterday, but I was too busy going through security and having them wonder how the bottom of my hobo bag was successfully holding two pounds of Skittles, which had fallen out of the package during the rental car debacle. "No guns today, sir. Just a magical rainbow turning this cheap white, possibly fake, leather into a delicious side-walk sale prism."

And if you're wondering why I didn't dump them out before I headed to the courthouse, it's because I still plan on eating them. Which I did, discreetly, while I was briefed on the judicial system of our great state.

"Oh, you want me to decide someone's fate based on my unbiased and mentally competent opinion? Hold on. Let me just get this blue raspberry from under my driver's license. Carry on."

It was the first time I'd actually had to show up. But, after my sister agreed to watch the twins and I found a clean shirt, I wandered down for a morning of excitement, questioning, and bladder control. Afterall, I'd been practicing the correct volume to shout, "I object," since Dylon McDermott first circumvented being sat on by Camryn Manheim in order to bring honor to the entire Practice.

And, although I wasn't sure who'd watch the kids for a few days straight, I knew if I answered the questions just right, I could be the person to declare, "You, sir, are guilty of a gross miscarriage of justice. Just gross....as in, ewwww."

I did fairly well with the questioning...

"Have you ever commited a felony?"

"No. I've never tried my hand at composing music."

"Does the defendant being here make you assume he's already done something wrong?"

"No. But wouldn't it be safer if you left him in the stocks outside until we decide whether to send him to Thunder Dome or exile him to the desert?"

"Do you know the difference between right and wrong?"

"Absolutely. In the second one, the "w" is silent."

In the end, I didn't get picked. But I'm sure it had nothing to do with looking like I'm about to go into labor at any second, and everything to do with how good they saw I'd be at making decisions.

Until Next Time, Readers!























   

13 comments:

  1. You probably would have been selected if you hadn't made that comment about believing strongly in the death penalty for traffic violations!

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    1. Perhaps, but can't they understand that rolling through a stop sign demands being thrown into the river?

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  2. Another way to get out of jury duty is to bring a handful of action figures and always consult with the actions figures first, before answering any questions.

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    1. Why didn't I think of that? I just kept moaning about contractions and my water maybe breaking, but action figures would've been a lot less embarrassing. Next time.

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  3. This section had me laughing sooo hard--you're epic!

    "Do you know the difference between right and wrong?"
    "Absolutely. In the second one, the "w" is silent."

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    Replies
    1. Who says English majors don't have a great handle on the law?

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  4. Great ideas! I have jury duty next week, which I just remembered thanks to your post (that could have been embarrassing).

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    1. Just remember to pick out your best costume and take the most advantageous action figures to talk to. They'll appreciate you taking the time to show up...:)

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  5. You know, they were SO impressed that they are just saving you for a really big trial. Anyone who knows the W is even THERE when it's silent is someone who be called Madam Foreman. I also hear that jury deliberation tables make for the BEST games of duck, duck, goose.

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  6. I love the right/wrong answer. I've been called for jury duty FOUR times but I've only had to report for 3 and never got past the video they make you watch before the judgee comes in to say, sorry no trials today, you're free.

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