Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Life and Death of Bessy Lou

The Deceased (If she hadn't been run into and lived in Texas instead of Kansas City) 2004-2012
Morning Readers,

We gather here today to set down our Saturday morning Coco Puffs and Phineas and Ferb to remember a brave soul who's passed from this world and gone to be parted out in the giant, Japanese junk yard in the sky.

You see, she was so young. So virile. So only half owned by us. And yet, she was loved.

I was extremely quiet on social media yesterday if only for the reason I needed time to process the news.

"Hello, Mrs. Kellerman?"

"I suppose. But "Mrs. Kellerman" sounds so old. I prefer Gidget McDancybeach."

"Well, this is John from the insurance company. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we had to go ahead and total out your van."

"Total? As in, you had to fill it with the delicious bran cereal we all know and love?"

"Unfortunately, "total", here, means we pay off your loan, send you a very small check and take the van somewhere where you'll never find it."

"Like the gym?"

"No, it'll probably be sold at auction or parted out."

I laughed. "John, you are a funny man. Because, from what it sounds like, you're telling me I should expect hardly any money, search high and low for a nice yuppie couple who want to practically give away their luxury van, and then drag my kids back to the bank to re-do the loan process."


"You know what taking two two-year-olds to a bank is like, John?"


"I guess you wouldn't know what being captured by a tribe of Rainforest pygmies, tied to a spit, and roasted like hunting season's last hog is like. Because it is delightful. One of those things the travel channel calls "A best kept secret"."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Kellerman."


"We'll be in touch."

"I'll be almost nine months pregnant out looking for a car. Here's to life and its many conveniences. Like this and paying additional fees for one's luggage."

So, here's where our story ends. Good old Bessy Lou has been carted off somewhere, and I'm off to the bank and to haggle with some car dealers. Because nothing says, "I need a good deal, today," like, "I think my water just broke. Does that mean the test drive's over?"

Until Next Time, Readers!