Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Life and Death of Bessy Lou

The Deceased (If she hadn't been run into and lived in Texas instead of Kansas City) 2004-2012
Morning Readers,

We gather here today to set down our Saturday morning Coco Puffs and Phineas and Ferb to remember a brave soul who's passed from this world and gone to be parted out in the giant, Japanese junk yard in the sky.

You see, she was so young. So virile. So only half owned by us. And yet, she was loved.

I was extremely quiet on social media yesterday if only for the reason I needed time to process the news.

"Hello, Mrs. Kellerman?"

"I suppose. But "Mrs. Kellerman" sounds so old. I prefer Gidget McDancybeach."

"Well, this is John from the insurance company. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we had to go ahead and total out your van."

"Total? As in, you had to fill it with the delicious bran cereal we all know and love?"

"Unfortunately, "total", here, means we pay off your loan, send you a very small check and take the van somewhere where you'll never find it."

"Like the gym?"

"No, it'll probably be sold at auction or parted out."

I laughed. "John, you are a funny man. Because, from what it sounds like, you're telling me I should expect hardly any money, search high and low for a nice yuppie couple who want to practically give away their luxury van, and then drag my kids back to the bank to re-do the loan process."

"Er..."

"You know what taking two two-year-olds to a bank is like, John?"

"No."

"I guess you wouldn't know what being captured by a tribe of Rainforest pygmies, tied to a spit, and roasted like hunting season's last hog is like. Because it is delightful. One of those things the travel channel calls "A best kept secret"."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Kellerman."

"Gidget."

"We'll be in touch."

"I'll be almost nine months pregnant out looking for a car. Here's to life and its many conveniences. Like this and paying additional fees for one's luggage."

So, here's where our story ends. Good old Bessy Lou has been carted off somewhere, and I'm off to the bank and to haggle with some car dealers. Because nothing says, "I need a good deal, today," like, "I think my water just broke. Does that mean the test drive's over?"

Until Next Time, Readers!




29 comments:

  1. Yikes! We went car shopping when I was preggo with my 3rd....I might still have PTSD from it. Good luck! Love your description of taking kids to the bank. Yep, pretty accurate. :)

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    1. Taking kids to the bank is horrific. I'm fairly sure I've got PTSD from that whole debacle.

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  2. I feel so close to the finding and loss of your van- this is very sad for me.
    But more importantly it is pretty much the most annoying thing in the world for you. I am SO sorry. You can have ours if you want, just expect about $1000/year in upkeep. Ok, we'll just keep ours, I hope you find one soooooon!

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    1. You gotta love cars. It's not enough that you have to buy them, then they have to be repaired, and washed, and not run into by someone else. Just hold onto that van and pay the thousand dollars a year. It's easier than trying to convince your uterus to not give out while you're scouring sale ads.

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  3. Good luck, oh VERY pregnant one! May the car gods smile upon you instead of spitting again!!

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    1. LOL..oh boy, Fishducky. You better go read today's post.

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  4. Oh no i'm sorry Paige! I didn't even get to meet Bessy:(

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  5. Sorry, Paige. We only knew her for a short time and we'll miss her.

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    1. I think we all feel that way, David. It was hard not to love her, even if you'd never met her and didn't realize how smooth she was on the highway...sigh

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  6. Gidget, I'd give you my Bessy Lou, but I'm not done abusing her, yet.

    Good luck, Godspeed, and beware the Pygmies.

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    1. Luckily, we found one yesterday, otherwise, I would've negotiated with you. And my that I mean I'd leave you some cookies...because we have no money, and take your car in the dark of night.

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  7. DancyPants, car sales teams will be parachuting out of the sky when they see you coming. They will know that you need something quickly that makes a statement. Like, an ambulance. I hear they are pricey. Whatever you do, make sure it has power windows (says the lady without power windows).

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    1. I thought I was going to need an ambulance after I got the news. How my body keeps holding onto this baby, I'll never know. Maybe it's because I drink so much milk. Does calcium help with not letting babies fall out due to stress?

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  8. My patholigical fear of both banks and car salesmen is why my 17 month old has to put up with riding in the back of Moana- the convertible mini I got when I was 25, still believed in love at first sight (at least when it came to cars) and didn't comprehend the mysteries of compound interest! When he is older I will pretend it was because I was a funky hipster who refused to bow to convention!

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    1. If my children hadn't decided to come in multiple numbers, we'd still be in our other car, but they can't ride on the roof...so says the law anyway, so here we are again. I say go with the funky hipster thing. If you were my mom, I'd buy it...lol

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  9. Aw girl that's to bad. I don't even have anything retarded to say today. O maybe I just did. Anyway I hope you find a new vehicle quickly and without to much trouble. If you are going to a dealer though go right before they close the doors. They are more willing to do whatever just to get you out of there. :) I worked for a dealership. :)

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    1. I'll have to tell the story of the dealership. I just need a nice long nap, to birth this baby, and a few drinks. Then we can all go there together. It's not so bad. Although, I wish I could've dragged you along for your haggling skills...:)

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  10. Oh I am so sorry. So, so sorry. I remember van shopping with my almost 2 yr. old while VERY pregnant. The guy asked if I wanted to test drive it. Um, DOES IT MOVE?? B/c if so, no, no actually fun to jam that ginormous belly behind the wheel just to take a spin...Feel for you--may the replacement van come quickly and cheaply!

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    1. Ha! That's how I am. Husband's always, "Do you want to drive it?" And I just stare at him like, "If you made it move, then I probably won't have a problem getting it to do the same thing. i trust your judgement."

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  11. We used our little one in negotiations for a car once. "If we don't have the deal we want by the time she's ready to go, then we have to leave without the car." Nothing better than a toddler to dictate how much time the car salesman has to make a sale.

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    1. One of these days, I'll go back and tell the story of dragging the twins to the dealership yesterday. Perhaps after we've settled this whole debacle.

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  12. I'm so sorry! Maybe you should take a jug of water with you next time while you're out car shopping. I'll bet if your water broke (wink wink) during the test drive they'd practically pay you to take the van.

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    1. That's the plan. But it's only reserved for cloth interiors. I don't want to ruin leather I might potentially own...but probably won't.

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  13. No one should ever try to haggle with a woman in her 9th month, esp. named Gidget. Robyn has it right.

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    1. I know. We're dangerous and unpredictable beasts.

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  14. NoooooooOOoOooooooOO.

    are you serious??!?

    realllly hope you find a miraculously perfect one -- yesterday.

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    1. I wish I wasn't serious. Being serious always pains me. Luckily, we did find something yesterday...lol

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