Friday, September 21, 2012

Breaking News: Stranger Talks to Woman. Woman Stares Like Idiot

"And what's your name, pretty lady?" ... "It's ham. But only if the owl calls at midnight."
Afternoon Readers,

It could be argued that I've been inside too long. Since my journey from the hospital, I've only made a couple trips out of the house. And only then, under the cover of night. When it's dark, no one asks you if you're six months pregnant and why you're drinking Seagrams out of a paper bag in the parking lot.

Everyone's a winner.

But, the lioness had to hunt for the family. And that meant going out in the daylight. The pizza wasn't going to going to deliver itself...or, it would've if I wasn't so cheap... and that meant guessing what people are wearing these days and trying to blend in with society.

I walked in, boldly. After all, I'd consulted Pintrest before I left. Pintrest said layers were in. Pintrest also says heavy sweaters make your uterus look smaller, but only when combined with large running shorts from Walmart, flip flops and a t-shirt that'd been worn for three days straight. I suppose it was the talking that caught me off guard.

"Hey there. What can I get for you?"

The sounds of another human being addressing me, combined with the smell of garlic bread threw me off my guard. "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Umm...can I take your order?"

I climbed back down off the Coke cooler. "I'm sorry, I've been in my house so long, I wasn't expecting that."

"Talking?"

"Yes."

He smiled. "Well, what can I get you?"

Confused by the interaction with another person , I furiously buttoned and unbuttoned the last button on my sweater. "Sir, I'm not totally sure what year it is. Let alone, what I want to eat. All I know is Reagan's got one more year and I've got stomach cramps"

"Hmm, I'll get you a peperoni and some garlic bread. So, how's your week been?"

"I had a baby."

I stared past the man, looking at next week's shift schedule. Whoever Josh was, he had great work ethic.

"Congrats."

"For what?"

"The baby."

"Who had a baby?"

"You did."

I took out my credit card. "Right. Well, that'd explain why I can't cover my unwieldy uterus with this cardigan. Mr. Rogers never had this problem. Otherwise there would've been a lot more ill-fitting days in the neighborhood."

"You gonna be ok, mam? I've got kids of my own. It's hard to understand what that first couple of nights are like, until you have to do it ."

"You're absolutely right, pizza man."

"Mam?"

"Yes?"

"You're staring into space again."

"Can I stay here, pizza man?"

"No."

"Make pizzas?"

"No."

"Even if they're in fun shapes...like giant Goldfish crackers...or triangles?"

And so, I wandered with my stack of pizza back to the minivan and drove home. My interaction with people outside the home is still lacking, but, after all these sleepless nights are over, it'll probably still be lacking and I'll do what I do best and tell you guys about how much more akward I've become since you first met me. *listens for sounds of jubilation from excited Readers*


Until next Time, Readers!






26 comments:

  1. YAAYYY!! (sound of jubilation from excited readers)

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  2. Sounds like a successful day. The pizza man didn't call in the guys with the white coats to take you away in a straight jacket. I always consider that a success myself.

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    1. I, too, consider that a success. That would've been the fifth time a pizza guy had tried to turn me in. Four times is sad enough...:)

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  3. You LEFT the house?????

    We bow in awe.

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    1. I know. I shouldn't have. But the children got tired of looking at pictures of food on empty boxes.

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  4. You DID it! You got out! Someone give this woman a klondike bar!

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    1. A Klondike bar? Try eight. There's eight to a package, right? Maybe there's only six. Ok, give me six.

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  5. I think when I first ventured out of doors with our 4th, I was so pale that you could see my blue veins through my bulky uterus hiding sweater. So, you are my hero for venturing out for pizza. Also, are you going to eat that? It's my favorite.

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    1. I if hadn't tanned this summer, I'd look a fearful albino, as opposed to the sickly Crayola "Peach" I'm currently sporting. I ate a slice. Didn't have the energy to eat my usual four.

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  6. hahah Oh Paige I have missed you horribly! No more babies! The separation is to hard on us.
    You just described every interaction I have. I haven't had a baby in over 15 years. What's my problem.

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    1. I've missed you too! Just move closer and you can help me take shifts getting up in the middle of the night. Sound good?...eh?..eh?

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  7. I love this and I love you - this is EXACTLY how it is! I only wish they made cardigan sweater pants.

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    1. Now I'm irritated they don't make cardigan sweater pants. Then again, have we actually searched Pintrest to make sure there isn't a pattern for them?

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    2. There are always Pajama Jeans. :)

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    3. Pajama jeans...I knew I was forgetting to buy something before I gave birth.

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  8. I remember right after my son was born that I was so glad he was born in winter so I could justify a bulky sweater. It would have been awful to wear that sweater in the summer heat. I still have that sweater. It hid the uterus after both of my children. If I ever have another cat, I will let her use it as bedding to give birth. Somehow seems appropriate.

    You go, girl! Kudos to you for bothering to put on the sweater instead of just going in your pajamas. :)

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    1. I'm super glad my uterus and I are heading right into the winter. I've got bulky sweaters and and even bulkier tarps ready to throw over this sturdy, yet, slightly less elastic physique.

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  9. Awww...I just want to hug you and your swollen uterus. In a totally non-creepy way, of course.

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    1. Not creepy at all. I could use a hug, and all my internet peeps to head to the bar with me.

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  10. So proud of you! Baby steps. Don't try to get all cocky and hit the grocery store just yet. You may get lost in the produce or crawl into a freezer.

    Nicely done!!

    Teri
    Snarkfest

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    1. I actually got crazy and hit up the grocery store tonight. I think it may have been too soon, but I needed to make sure people like me were still wearing yoga pants to Walmart. They were.

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  11. See, I would count the evening as a total success. You a) actually left the house and b) remembered how to speak to a stranger. You are totally on your way!

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  12. This was brilliant. I loved the emotion and meaning behind your account of just going out to pick up pizza!

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  13. I'll take a goldfish shaped mushroom and pepperoni! Nice to hear you have been out and about but I think you may be looking at the wrong fashion boards on Pinterest ;)

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  14. Urban camo is blue jeans. The stretchy waist on them is good for getting folks to ask if you are done having kids.

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