Friday, September 21, 2012

Breaking News: Stranger Talks to Woman. Woman Stares Like Idiot

"And what's your name, pretty lady?" ... "It's ham. But only if the owl calls at midnight."
Afternoon Readers,

It could be argued that I've been inside too long. Since my journey from the hospital, I've only made a couple trips out of the house. And only then, under the cover of night. When it's dark, no one asks you if you're six months pregnant and why you're drinking Seagrams out of a paper bag in the parking lot.

Everyone's a winner.

But, the lioness had to hunt for the family. And that meant going out in the daylight. The pizza wasn't going to going to deliver itself...or, it would've if I wasn't so cheap... and that meant guessing what people are wearing these days and trying to blend in with society.

I walked in, boldly. After all, I'd consulted Pintrest before I left. Pintrest said layers were in. Pintrest also says heavy sweaters make your uterus look smaller, but only when combined with large running shorts from Walmart, flip flops and a t-shirt that'd been worn for three days straight. I suppose it was the talking that caught me off guard.

"Hey there. What can I get for you?"

The sounds of another human being addressing me, combined with the smell of garlic bread threw me off my guard. "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Umm...can I take your order?"

I climbed back down off the Coke cooler. "I'm sorry, I've been in my house so long, I wasn't expecting that."

"Talking?"

"Yes."

He smiled. "Well, what can I get you?"

Confused by the interaction with another person , I furiously buttoned and unbuttoned the last button on my sweater. "Sir, I'm not totally sure what year it is. Let alone, what I want to eat. All I know is Reagan's got one more year and I've got stomach cramps"

"Hmm, I'll get you a peperoni and some garlic bread. So, how's your week been?"

"I had a baby."

I stared past the man, looking at next week's shift schedule. Whoever Josh was, he had great work ethic.

"Congrats."

"For what?"

"The baby."

"Who had a baby?"

"You did."

I took out my credit card. "Right. Well, that'd explain why I can't cover my unwieldy uterus with this cardigan. Mr. Rogers never had this problem. Otherwise there would've been a lot more ill-fitting days in the neighborhood."

"You gonna be ok, mam? I've got kids of my own. It's hard to understand what that first couple of nights are like, until you have to do it ."

"You're absolutely right, pizza man."

"Mam?"

"Yes?"

"You're staring into space again."

"Can I stay here, pizza man?"

"No."

"Make pizzas?"

"No."

"Even if they're in fun shapes...like giant Goldfish crackers...or triangles?"

And so, I wandered with my stack of pizza back to the minivan and drove home. My interaction with people outside the home is still lacking, but, after all these sleepless nights are over, it'll probably still be lacking and I'll do what I do best and tell you guys about how much more akward I've become since you first met me. *listens for sounds of jubilation from excited Readers*


Until next Time, Readers!