Thursday, September 13, 2012

Morning, You Are the Ike to My Tina

"Today's post is brought to you by Insomnia. Because nothing says,"I think I'm dying," like Insomnia. Back to you, Paige."
Morning Readers,

I'm not sure if it's safe to blog if you've only slept for and hour and a half, but it was either that or begin weeping uncontrollably in the middle of the floor. At least, this way I get to publish content that devalues the internet a little more and saves me from having to wipe the first layer of dirt off the wood laminate...because it took a family effort to build that dirt. And when Hoarders finally shows up to film here, I want something that looks dull and un-waxed on camera, besides my face.

Last night, Doc Hoiliday decided he'd just stay up all night. I suspect this was because he couldn't poop. I can't hold this against him, as I've had this same problem, but it made for a long night of me staring into space, wondering when I won't look six months pregnant anymore, and listening to random Adam Levine songs, who, annoyingly, never looks six months pregnant.

And since he didn't father any of these children, I can never forgive him that...

But it wasn't all bad. I've started a diary chronicling my observations during the night. And now, an excerpt:

Sept. 13, 2012

Dear Journal,

1:00am Observed the leaves on the trees look same in the dark as in the light, just a darker shade of green.

2:30am Did you know, if you dance along the line of sleeping and waking just so, you'll see a giant spider crawling down the couch, jump up screaming, and start beating the crap out of your blanket, before you realize that hallucinations aren't just for people on meth, anymore?

3:00am Took a trip to the kitchen. Stack of bills on counter seem to be as unpaid in the dark as they are in the light. Will continue to monitor the situation.

4:30am Coughed too hard. May have pulled a stitch. Have already met deductible. A second stay-cation in the hospital seems imminent. (Side note: miss the pears they brought me in little bowls. Go shopping for pears and little bowls.)

5:00am Dozed off and was awakened by the majestic calls of cockatoo outside. Baffled, as cockatoos are not native to Kansas. Also, what I heard may have been me waking up screaming again.

7:00am Baby has eaten for the third time and there's either a production of Lord of the Flies going on upstairs, or the twins are awake. Will stay still and hope everyone thinks I'm a throw pillow. Morning, you are the Ike Turner to my Tina.



Until Next Time, Readers!