Tuesday, October 30, 2012

And the Toddlers Shall Inherit the Earth

Morning Readers,

I'm probably the holiest person I know. And by that I mean my jeggings are splitting and there are giant holes in every bra I own. Saintly? Dear me, no. The only way I'm getting into heaven is if God gets busy settling in everyone else I know, and I slip St. Peter a fifty.

And St. Peter will say, "Just try not to call attention to yourself."

And I'll smile, duck in, and call over my shoulder. "You won't even notice me. I'm just gonna try and finish writing some blog posts that've taken me an eternity to write anyway."

And we'll both laugh at the clever implication of "eternity" in two different contexts, and pretend not to notice each other in heaven's giant lunch room.

Friday, October 26, 2012

An Upgrade in the Key of Leather

Afternoon Readers,

It's always a toss-up when I get something nice. Should I ruin it myself, right away, or hire someone else to do it? Both better options than the tedium of waiting for the kids or the dog to do it. Sometimes, late at night, when I'm alone and staring at the water spots on the ceiling, I fantasize about a lush lifestyle:

Matching place mats

Linen curtains blown ever so gently by the breeze coming off the ocean into our imaginary cottage in Maine

Decorative balls on every table

My corseted bosom heaving deeply as I recount to Husband how many lobsters I knocked unconscious for dinner that evening....

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Night Terrors

Afternoon Readers,

I love being woken up in the middle of the night as much as every other person.

*A recent survey indicates every other person hates being woken up in the middle of the night*

There's just something about falling into a deep sleep, drool delicately flowing from the corner of one's mouth, which speaks of peace, class, and the sweet calm and isolation the pioneers probably felt before they were attacked by anything.

I was prepared to love my children. I wasn't prepared to have all my senses ransacked, all at once, by screams, which, to date, can only be described accurately by Stephen King, in his masterful work, Salem's Lot.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Butch and Sundance Have Thoughts on Halloween

Morning Readers,

I'm about to fail as a mother.

*And the crowd laughs and cries in unison, "We know."

Worse, the twins are old enough to start noticing when I do that. For the past two years, they've been blissfully unaware I'm ill-equipped to raise children, especially when it comes to the holiday/craft department.

One of these days, they're going to ask me why they don't have any hand made ornaments with their newborn hand print lovingly pressed into it, the caption in permanent marker reading, "I made this because, unlike some people, I actually care about you."

But, this year, they're noticing things. I blame commercials because I do my best never to mention anything that requires me to pull out the hot glue gun and start maiming felt.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Date Night Clearance

Afternoon Readers,

Four months. Not only is this the amount of time it's been since someone yelled, "Hey, lady. You look great in those yoga pants," and actually meant the person behind me, but it's also the amount of time that's passed since Husband and I've gone on a date. Well, it's actually been three-and-a-half months, but, by the time our scheduled night out gets here, we'll be rounding out four months.

Sometimes you guys are just soooo specific. Chill out.

Besides the obvious circumstance of birthing a new child, and previously being too wide to fit in any movie theater seat known to man, Husband and I haven't attempted to go anywhere on our own, for lack of clearance.

"Why didn't you just go out? You're adults." You say.

And to you, I reply, "Why do elephants gallop majestically through the Serengeti, by moonlight, with the wind whipping delicately through their tail hair?"

Sunday, October 14, 2012

And Sometimes They Hit and Run

Morning Readers,

I think, out of all types of luck, bad luck tends to benefit me the least. But, just because it's bad luck doesn't mean it's not so ridiculous, so highly unlikely, it'll find me staring into space and laughing into the flashing lights of fire trucks and police cars, and wondering at what point I cut Lady Luck off in rush hour traffic.

Because she clearly doesn't like me. Or, as I assume about most people who are mean to me, she must be jealous of the ease and grace with which I wear flip flops in winter.

My first mistake was to try and leave the house yesterday. Generally, if a stay at home mom leaves the house, the universe sends out a warning bell... a mother's attempting to exit the premises without children; someone stop her or make it completely unenjoyable so she'll retreat to whence she came.

Nature. Fate. Indentured servitude. It's all very complex.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Who Needs Worldly Possessions?

Afternoon Readers,

People often ask, "Paige, what's your favorite part of having kids?"

And I'll quickly smooth my three-day-old t-shirt, and reply, "Definitely having all of our worldly possessions destroyed, piece by piece."

Then they look at me and say, "That's your favorite part?"

And I say, "Oh, no... I'm sorry. That's actually my ninety-seventh favorite part."

And then they say, "Then why'd you say that, Paige?"

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Why Moms Don't Exercise: The Multi-tasking Muffintop Conundrum

"I told you, Gertrude. It's step, step, grapevine, tendu. Pull yourself together."
Morning Readers,

I've never been a fan of working out. Mostly because I read a study that said people who work out tend to die at some point in their lives. Those are pretty risky odds to play. But, as I just had baby number three, and the fat around my waist keeps getting shut in the car door, I thought it was time to maybe I find some oldies to sweat to or else.

So, I bought a dvd, replicated Olivia Newton John's outfit from the Physical video, precisely, and my sweat band, matching wrist bands and leotard pressed "play" on an endeavor that was so terrifying to observe, I'd hung a sign on the door, "Do Not Ring, Unless In Search of Emotional Scarring ...if selling candy bars, please take dollar in mailbox."

Besides the fact exercise is extremely dangerous, I couldn't put my finger on why I'd been avoiding it for so long...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

A Column, A Little Bit of Shame and Unavailable Real Estate: the week in review

"Mom Shaming" ...we're just bringing attention to what you already suspected.
Morning Readers,

     This past week's been a little busy. Mostly because of kids, writing and social media. Mostly trying to find time to go to the bathroom.... Still trying to find time to go to the bathroom.

It's Sunday, so I'm sure you've got better things to do than read the blog, like church, breakfast with the family, or virtually anything that counts as an activity, but I thought I'd I'd give you a rundown of what went on this week...

...then I shall army crawl, ever so carefully, to the bathroom.

1.) First up, my new humor column hit the papers and created quite the stir. And by "stir", I mean other people besides my family read it and admitted it. I love all of you for humoring me.

2.) Myself and all the other fantastic mom bloggers over at Blogging While Mom got together and launched the "Mom Shaming" movement. For an in-depth and always hilarious explanation of what the whole thing's about, please see Robyn over at Hollow Tree Ventures.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

A Tactical Guide to Hiding Underwear in Your Shopping Cart

"You didn't tell them you were buying underwear at Walmart, again, were you, my love?"  "Darling, you know I don't flaunt our wealth."
Afternoon Readers,

I'm getting ready to bake cookies. Not trying to brag. Just giving you a heads up where that giant mushroom cloud you'll see at lunch will be coming from. And the news people will say, "It was hideous, Linda. The neighborhood is radio active and covered in pumpkin. The area is virtually overrun with the orange and screaming. And now, here's Carl with the weather. Carl?"

But before I head to the kitchen, I'll go get some more coffee. Wait, I guess I have to go to the kitchen to do that. I almost got started with baking way earlier than I intended. Hold on, let me slow my pulse down to the canter of an obese pony...

Monday, October 1, 2012

What's Up, Doc?: Thoughts For A Blogger's Child

Afternoon Readers,

Tomorrow, Doc Holiday will be four weeks old. And I must say, I like him very much. You can never tell with a stranger, whether you'll like them or not, that is. Sure, he's my baby. I knew I'd love him, but, would I like him? Would he be one of those people who cut me off mid-sentence or borrow my stuff without asking?

In casual conversation, would I find myself saying, "Sure, the baby's great, but he uses all of our plan minutes and I finally found the gin bottle that went missing from the inventory, under his bed. Honestly, Marsha...it's getting out of control."