Friday, October 12, 2012

Who Needs Worldly Possessions?

Afternoon Readers,

People often ask, "Paige, what's your favorite part of having kids?"

And I'll quickly smooth my three-day-old t-shirt, and reply, "Definitely having all of our worldly possessions destroyed, piece by piece."

Then they look at me and say, "That's your favorite part?"

And I say, "Oh, no... I'm sorry. That's actually my ninety-seventh favorite part."

And then they say, "Then why'd you say that, Paige?"

And then I say, "I'm sorry. I always give my ninety-seventh favorite of any category. Used to drive my parents crazy. Like...

"Paige, what do you want for Christmas?"

"I dunno. Probably poster board. It's my ninety-seventh favorite of all things used for recreation. Merry Christmas and don't forget I'm also a huge fan of twine."

Sometimes, the twins can break so many things in one day, it's almost impressive. I say "almost" because it's not impressive. Putting a hole in a wall is not impressive. No one likes a hole in their wall. But, our clear disdain for having our stuff destroyed doesn't stop them. Therefore, Husband and I have learned to cope.

For example, let's pretend people ever visit us. I'm not sure what that's like, but I know that if they asked why our lamp doesn't work and what it's doing in two pieces, I'd tell them what I always tell myself... no one really needs light and floor lamps are for the upper class.

...Actually, I spend about twenty-two percent of my time, opening the front door, sticking my head out, and shouting, "Lamps are so bourgeois, Jim. Now, stop implying things and get the hell off my lawn."

I try to only tell Husband about things that broke, when he gets home from work. I find it's best this way, because who wants to come home when everything's broken. It's best to trick your man into coming back. When he does, I'm fairly skilled at letting him down easy.

"Hey Honey, how was your day."

"The kids took all the stuffing out of the couch."

"They what?"

"It's ok. I hear the Japanese sit on the floor all the time anyway."

- "How was your day?"

"The kids ripped the blinds off the windows."

"What? How?"

"Don't worry. We just won't give the neighbors anything to look at anymore. Blinds just encourage intimacy. And you know how you're always saying we need a family motto? Well, I think we should stick with "A cold shoulder for a cold shoulder."

- "Hey Honey. How was your day?"

"The kids wrecked the car."

"What? How'd they get in the car?"

"Maybe you let them in there."

At this point, the death toll stands at a grand total of:

2 lamps
3 candles
1 couch cushion (helped by the dog for only half a point)
7 kitchen cabinets crayoned although cleaned
1 fitted sheet
2 baskets
1 plate
1 bowl
1 wall
2 dresses
Numerous shirts
1 fake house plant

...and my ever-waning psyche.

But, whenever I want to feel better, I just go here, and realize they've only begun to break everything we own.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. This is why food is forbidden in my car. And yet I find crumbled Cheez-its and Goldfish ground into the seats.

  2. I just clicked over to "S**t My Kids Ruined". FRIGHTENG--& FUNNY!!

  3. Floor lamps are just so snobby. "Oh, look at me here...standing tall and shedding light on everything." I guess that's one piece of decor you were probably relieved bit the dust.

  4. You obviously have been living too high on the hog over there. I mean really, SEVEN kitchen cabinets??? Most of us have never known such luxury, we just use our ovens to store all our important things like Tupperware and toilet paper.

    Welcome back to reality. It's nice to see you.

  5. It makes it nice to be able say, oh we just have crappy furniture because the kids will ruin it. When they're older we'll upgrade. Yeah, that's the reason....

  6. LOL. When my son was 8 we moved into a new (to us) house. He was in the kitchen alone the second week in the house and he started flipping a magnet with a spatula to see how hard he could catapult it. He broke the kitchen window. First thing the neighbors knew of us was a cardboarded window. Charming. We've done nothing since to assuage their fears.

  7. "Lamps are so bourgeois, Jim."

    You slay me. That is all.

  8. Holy hell, I just clicked the link... it's so nice to know that I am not the only one who has these issues.

  9. Hi, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (, and I’m visiting from Finding the Funny.

    You're right, you know, it's all in the perspective. We also have at least three holes in the hallway drywall, and I say it just adds texture and plays with the light. I would visit you anytime! But in the meantime, since I don't know you and all, and that makes what I said kind of creepy, I just added myself as a follower instead.

    Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you! Hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…