Friday, October 26, 2012

An Upgrade in the Key of Leather

Afternoon Readers,

It's always a toss-up when I get something nice. Should I ruin it myself, right away, or hire someone else to do it? Both better options than the tedium of waiting for the kids or the dog to do it. Sometimes, late at night, when I'm alone and staring at the water spots on the ceiling, I fantasize about a lush lifestyle:

Matching place mats

Linen curtains blown ever so gently by the breeze coming off the ocean into our imaginary cottage in Maine

Decorative balls on every table

My corseted bosom heaving deeply as I recount to Husband how many lobsters I knocked unconscious for dinner that evening....

Point is, these are fantasies. I usually don't hold my breath for things that'll survive in our house without hearing a little voice from behind me stating, "Broke it, Momma? Yep, broken. Cookie now?"

This past Saturday, we inherited something nice. After many months of covering the fifty-dollar couches in the living room so our guests didn't ask why half the stuffing was missing, we received leather couches from my parents.

Now, before you go assuming we hit the Powerball and spent it all on furniture and an unlimited supply of Saltines, rest assured these are nice, but they've also survived ten other children. I was there the day my parents dragged us, after church, through Nebraska Furniture Mart and picked out something that could withstand a pack of children or the Apocalypse.

My parents were very clear on both of these points when speaking to the salesman. He suggested we wanted to invest in concrete benches.

But, they withstood the test of time, eleven people trying to destroy them, and the tears of mother trying desperately to preserve their supple, chestnut texture. Upon reflection, I'm sure she'd agree, tears really help to combat weathering and surface stains.

That may just be my observation. She may have stopped reading by now. Probably hear about that later.

The best thing about the whole situation is how many excuses I won't have to come up with anymore, when guests lose their way and end up at our house:

What do you mean, stuffing never flies out of your couch when you sit down? I'd ask for a refund.

Yours doesn't have juice stains anchoring down pieces of Poptart shaped like little, tiny replicas of the Titanic? It's ok, not everyone knows what to look for when they stumble drunkenly into an Ikea.

Oh, you don't drink? Well, I'm sure it was just your poor judgement that made you pick out a love seat that doesn't have pee stains embedded into the disintegrating cloth covering the box springs. Life's a journey. Life's a lesson. Life's a dance.

Yep, these things are an upgrade and super wonderful to pass out, face down, on. I think. I haven't slept in the past three years.

Good luck, new couches.

Until Next Time, Readers!







16 comments:

  1. Ha! Your house sounds like my house! The bottom fell out of our sleeper sofa six weeks after we purchased it. We were too lazy to even call the store to complain. That was eight years ago. The undercarriage of the couch is still supported by the floor. And probably will be for another 10 years, at least. We hope anyway.

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    1. The bottom of this couch is dangerously close to falling out as well, but if I complained to the people we got it from, they'd probably just laugh at me and shut the door.

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  2. Dear Lord, may they last longer than your cars. Amen.

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    1. I shall second that Amen and ask the Lord to please put a few spare angels on duty to protect the remaining suppleness and left-hand side, un-cracked cushion.

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  3. Ooh you might be too posh for me now.
    My couch lost it's metal feet and is now propped up with two blocks that came in a yoga kit (or was it pilates? - doesn't really matter because they're the only things that I have used from the kit). They are blue and the couch is green, but that's okay because they're hidden by the tatty couch covers that I insist on using to stop unwanted stains and the kid's bodily secretions from ruining the upholstery.

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    1. Speaking of bodily secretions, I'm 99 percent sure one of the twins had a wet diaper leak on the couch. Suspicion confirmed ...we are so posh. May your yoga blocks stay strong, my friend.

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  4. My husband has been nagging me for at least three years to replace our couch that has a huge tear in it, exposing its stuffing. I just figure, what's the point? The dog will just ruin the next one with his his stiletto claws, and I'll be a thousand dollars poorer for no good reason. Think of how many diapers a thousand dollars would buy! This is the stuff dreams are made of.

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    1. A thousand dollars worth of diapers would make my year. Stuffing can always be hastily re-stuffed before company comes over.

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  5. We replaced our couch last month as well...with a Futon and it was a vast improvement. Black-tie optional, every night. Or, is it black fly optional. I think it's definitely black fly. Lifestyles of the rich and famous, my Paige.

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    1. That reminds me how much I miss my futon. This lady knows what she's asking Santa for this year.

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  6. We finally bought new couches a few months back. And thanks to my crazed enforcement of the NO FOOD rule, they are surviving quite well.

    Until I noticed something sticky on the suede like surface the other day... which sadly, I think may have been me. I have also banned all food from the new car. And the current stains... me as well.

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    1. I know! The minute I crack down on no food, I'm the one who spills coffee all over the new van ...but meant to do that, so... *whistles and covers stains with purse.

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  7. My husband "fixed" our couch yesterday by putting old pieces of wood from the garage under the cushions so we don't sink down and become permanently enveloped in it whenever we sit down. It's great, except now I have no excuse for not being able to get up, besides laziness and sheer exhaustion.

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    1. Ahh, the time-honored ply wood approach. We'll be needing that by next month.

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  8. I would think leather couches would be great for time-outs on hot summer days when the kids sweat themselves stuck onto the cushions...and then mommy 'accidentally' forgets to tell them when their time-out is done. Could buy you a free afternoon!

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  9. So, when Raymour and Flannigan told me that we could get our new furniture replaced anytime in the next 5 years if there was normal human wear and tear? I think I knocked someone out whipping out my credit card so fast. Can you still hear me laughing? IF there's wear and tear...IF! Cheers to your new couches ;)

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