Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Night Terrors

Afternoon Readers,

I love being woken up in the middle of the night as much as every other person.

*A recent survey indicates every other person hates being woken up in the middle of the night*

There's just something about falling into a deep sleep, drool delicately flowing from the corner of one's mouth, which speaks of peace, class, and the sweet calm and isolation the pioneers probably felt before they were attacked by anything.

I was prepared to love my children. I wasn't prepared to have all my senses ransacked, all at once, by screams, which, to date, can only be described accurately by Stephen King, in his masterful work, Salem's Lot.

The first time I heard them, I thought, "We're all gonna die. But at least we're together."

The second time I heard them, I was a tad annoyed.

The third time I was pulled out of the remnant of sleep the baby gifted me, I couldn't help thinking, "Awe, hell no. All children report to the front door for direct deportation to farthest corners of unexplored Congo. Now boarding."

My dear Sundance has decided we as a family will no longer sleep during the night, and will, instead, walk sleeplessly among the living and try to function as best we can. She will then take her days and sleep on the couch. Her father and I will try not to disown her.

However, she may have a case to stay if one of one or more of the following becomes true:
  • Monsters exist
  • A toddler needs eight drinks of water before 6am, as most toddlers run the risk of dehydrating before sunrise.
  • Monsters exist
  • Monsters Exist
  • Monsters Exist
A quick shout out to the person who may or may not have let her watch something with monsters in it, and mentioned later that he, "Might know why she keeps doing this" .....

Thank you,

While I still find you ridiculously attractive (seriously, you're positively stunning in dress pants), I think there's a small chance our dear daughter internalized whatever it was she watched, and is now using it to exact some sort of revenge on my sanity.

Forever and Decidedly Yours,

Your Wife

So, dear Readers, please know that I'm still here, but battling sleep deprivation with every last ounce of coffee I ran out of three days ago.

Until Next Time!