Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Night Terrors

Afternoon Readers,

I love being woken up in the middle of the night as much as every other person.

*A recent survey indicates every other person hates being woken up in the middle of the night*

There's just something about falling into a deep sleep, drool delicately flowing from the corner of one's mouth, which speaks of peace, class, and the sweet calm and isolation the pioneers probably felt before they were attacked by anything.

I was prepared to love my children. I wasn't prepared to have all my senses ransacked, all at once, by screams, which, to date, can only be described accurately by Stephen King, in his masterful work, Salem's Lot.

The first time I heard them, I thought, "We're all gonna die. But at least we're together."

The second time I heard them, I was a tad annoyed.

The third time I was pulled out of the remnant of sleep the baby gifted me, I couldn't help thinking, "Awe, hell no. All children report to the front door for direct deportation to farthest corners of unexplored Congo. Now boarding."

My dear Sundance has decided we as a family will no longer sleep during the night, and will, instead, walk sleeplessly among the living and try to function as best we can. She will then take her days and sleep on the couch. Her father and I will try not to disown her.

However, she may have a case to stay if one of one or more of the following becomes true:
  • Monsters exist
  • A toddler needs eight drinks of water before 6am, as most toddlers run the risk of dehydrating before sunrise.
  • Monsters exist
  • Monsters Exist
  • Monsters Exist
A quick shout out to the person who may or may not have let her watch something with monsters in it, and mentioned later that he, "Might know why she keeps doing this" .....

Thank you,

While I still find you ridiculously attractive (seriously, you're positively stunning in dress pants), I think there's a small chance our dear daughter internalized whatever it was she watched, and is now using it to exact some sort of revenge on my sanity.

Forever and Decidedly Yours,

Your Wife

So, dear Readers, please know that I'm still here, but battling sleep deprivation with every last ounce of coffee I ran out of three days ago.

Until Next Time!

















18 comments:

  1. Now I know exactly what to get you for Christmas. A case each of candy bars, booze & Raid Monster Spray!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am certain you can find monster spray at Costco, it's in the section marked "21 and over".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Um, to actualy be helpful here, I made my own "Go Away Monster Spray" for the boys when they were little. I redecorated the bottle of fabreeze with monster stickers and labels and each night sprayed a little at bed time. Worked like a charm.

    Now, night terrors and sleep walking I am still working on. I did it as a kid, and so does Oldest. Seems to flair up when we are stressed. Scary, SCARY stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's actually a great idea. I think I may have to whip some up and hope for the best. I'm starting to feel a little bad for her...and my sleep.

      Delete
  4. A drop or two of whiskey in one of her nighttime glasses of water and problem solved...although that may just be the Irish culture seeping out...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds fantastic. I may try it in m night time glass of water, first.

      Delete
  5. Oh my gosh, hilarious. Sleep-depravation sucks. I never understood its use as a torture device until I became a parent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is its own particular brand of unpleasant. If I can just survive the next couple decades, things should turn out all right.

      Delete
  6. It is so strange how that initial waking thought can be so ill-willed toward our sweet, perfect, innocent angels. I have had terrible visions of duct taping my daughter to her bed to get her to stay there, giving over-doses of Tylenol, and just outright turning the baby monitor off in that jolting moment. (none of which I ever did, surprisingly!)
    I hate the phase you're going through, but honestly - I can usually stifle my laughter when I read, on this post I could not! Hillarious!
    Here's to getting some sleep!
    Devan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's definitely a patience tester. After the fourth and fifth times, I was just like, "Seriously??????????????????????" We'll get through it. I'm glad it made you laugh ...I'm still working on that...;)

      Delete
  7. Haha, ok i think im gonna appreciate my calm night a little bit more after reading this :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Relish the silence, MondayNightFashion ...relish it.

      Delete
  8. Waterboarding could not be as torturous as being awoken from blissful sleep. There is nothing that tops the feeling of pure ire when awoken like that. I'm not one of those "not a morning person" people but when you wake me when I wasn't supposed to be awoken, you better have an exit strategie. I feel every ounce of your sleep deprived pain.

    ReplyDelete
  9. We're in a serious stage 3 deportation situation around here. I'm feeling ya - or as much as you can feel anything when you're so sleep deprived that your body's conserving all energy that isn't related directly to basic survival.

    ReplyDelete