Monday, October 1, 2012

What's Up, Doc?: Thoughts For A Blogger's Child

Afternoon Readers,

Tomorrow, Doc Holiday will be four weeks old. And I must say, I like him very much. You can never tell with a stranger, whether you'll like them or not, that is. Sure, he's my baby. I knew I'd love him, but, would I like him? Would he be one of those people who cut me off mid-sentence or borrow my stuff without asking?

In casual conversation, would I find myself saying, "Sure, the baby's great, but he uses all of our plan minutes and I finally found the gin bottle that went missing from the inventory, under his bed. Honestly, Marsha...it's getting out of control."

Fortunately, he's very well-behaved and sleeps most of the time. This helps with keeping tabs on the twins and whether they've decided today will be the day they burn the house down and sew the ground with salt.

...but more on that later.

The only time the amount of time Doc sleeps is inconvenient is when I'm trying to head into a long-winded lecture or monologue. For instance, it's high time he knows exactly who he's living with. It's only fair. But it's extremely difficult to have him listen to me listen to myself talk, when he keeps falling asleep.

Last night, I did my best to explain what it would now mean for him to, not only be my son, but to be a blogger's child. I propped him up in his swing. "Now, stay awake,child. This is important. Your mother has something she wants to hear herself say. Sweetheart, if you could just try and hold your head up, that would be great. Direct eye contact shows the other person you're paying attention."

I could tell he was riveted. An interested baby is a cross-eyed baby.

"I don't know how to break this to you, but.... I blog. I'll let that settle in."

Silence.

"I know. That's what everyone else usually says. But, I guess you're wondering what this means for you. And that's a fair question. First off, what's a blog? Why does it sound like a frog with a weight problem? Why am I eating the entire box of wheat thins at three in the morning? All things will be answered in good time, my son."

Doc's eyes closed and drool puddled under his fat chin, sure signs of a person processing information.

Encouraged by chugging the last of the Diet Coke directly from the bottle, I continued. "Really, the most important thing you need to know is that I'll spend the remaining years of your life chronically every single thing you do. Sounds great, huh? Unfortunately, sweetheart, your mother writes humor."

Silence.

"Yeah, that's also what everyone usually says. You sure you're still listening? Anyhow, I thought about it, and the conclusion I came to was, I could either never write about anything you and your brother and sister do, or I could make sure your childhood was documented in such ridiculous detail, you probably won't want to spend holidays here when you grow up."

The clock struck four.

"Just try not to hold it against me. And know that I love you. Also, if I ever get published, you reserve the right to pretend you don't know me. Oh, and no matter what they say, I'm not trying to poison anyone with my cooking. It's just, when I heat food past room temperature, karma shows up and lights it on fire."

I think he got it. Doc Holiday, here's to a lifetime of love, happiness, and as little emotional scarring in the public eye as possible.

Until Next Time, Readers!





22 comments:

  1. I'm glad you got that over with. It's only fair that he knows what he's up against ;)

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    1. The hardest part is getting a newborn to look you straight in the eye. Otherwise, I can't tell if they're listening to me or not...:)

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  2. "Doc's eye's closed and drool puddled under his fat chin, sure signs of a person processing information." My husband does the same thing--I thought he was ignoring me. You may have saved a marriage!!

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  3. Yep, it's never too early to teach 'em what's what. Gives him time to start thinking about all the fun things he can do for you to chronicle in your blog.

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    1. I have a feeling they'll find some way of using this against me. I just know it.

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  4. "Your mother writes humor" - bwahaha. Until they start to write back.

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    1. Oh yes, your twins are starting to figure that out. That's why I must carefully observe your progress and take notes...LOL

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  5. I'm glad you're honest with the kiddos. I wonder if you can leverage the blog the same way other parents do with Santa Claus. "Doc, If you don't stop stealing your sister's Barbie Corvette, Mama's going to write about it for the whole world to read..."

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    1. I hope that's a threat that'll mean something, and they don't figure out I'll be doing it anyway.

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  6. "Unfortunately, sweetheart, your mother writes humor."

    Silence.

    "Yeah, that's also what everyone usually says."

    So you've been to my house??? Great post, really hope he was paying attention.

    Teri
    Snarkfest

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    1. Teri, you know all to well we must give the children fair warning, and then continue to blog about them, regardless.

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  7. I'm pretty sure my mom has to go through this conversation multiple times when giving updates on me...I should tell her that eating Wheat Thins might make it easier.

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    1. My dear, eating Wheat Thins makes everything easier... especially staying regular. But, definitely when explaining the horrifying news that one's family member blogs.

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  8. Oh goodness, Paige. I'm snorting so loud right now that I'm pretty sure the UPS guy who just came to our door is pursing having me involuntarily committed. Can you please make this into a children's book so the rest of us can fill our kids in riding the coattails of your classy wit?

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    1. I think there could be a children's book there. Perhaps, "My Mommy Blogs: Bedtime stories and Other Nightmares"?

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  9. I never thought about the possibility that my blog would make the kids not want to spend holidays here. Bonus!

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