Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Why Moms Don't Exercise: The Multi-tasking Muffintop Conundrum

"I told you, Gertrude. It's step, step, grapevine, tendu. Pull yourself together."
Morning Readers,

I've never been a fan of working out. Mostly because I read a study that said people who work out tend to die at some point in their lives. Those are pretty risky odds to play. But, as I just had baby number three, and the fat around my waist keeps getting shut in the car door, I thought it was time to maybe I find some oldies to sweat to or else.

So, I bought a dvd, replicated Olivia Newton John's outfit from the Physical video, precisely, and my sweat band, matching wrist bands and leotard pressed "play" on an endeavor that was so terrifying to observe, I'd hung a sign on the door, "Do Not Ring, Unless In Search of Emotional Scarring ...if selling candy bars, please take dollar in mailbox."

Besides the fact exercise is extremely dangerous, I couldn't put my finger on why I'd been avoiding it for so long...

The sweat?
The pain?
The after-workout smoothie that didn't quite live up to expectations?
Screaming, "No, Janice. I told you I'm a size six now, not a size Disney Chanel over-worked child actor," and throwing my pants at the dressing room attendant?

It wasn't until well into my warm up I had an inkling why I'd been re-ordering my "Honk if someone you love has been killed by an elliptical" bumper sticker, every year. When the lady with the pink swimsuit stepped in front of me.

"Hey."

"Sorry, Momma."

"Listen, lady. This work out is for dedicated individuals. Not for people who think swimsuit season stretches well into the Christmas season."

But, I recovered pace and moved on, until...

"Momma, juice?"

"No."

"Momma, hold me?"

"No, darling. Momma's trying to hold her muffin top and chest in place while she jogs. She can't possibly take on an extra toddler."

The workout kicked it up a notch. The narrator began adding things I could do to up the intensity:

Dodge objects being thrown by toddlers, while squatting.
Engage abs and save newborn from being catapulted from swing by jealous children.
Knees to chest while replacing milk and shutting refrigerator door
Plank and yell things like, "After I get out of this plank, you'll be sorry."

Jog
Squat
Plank
Re-evaluate whether children who can't drive may be able to still live on their own.

Olivia Newton John never has to deal with things like this. Which is why she probably still works out and I'm still trying not to get my back fat stuck in the couch cushions.

Until Next Time, Readers!






25 comments:

  1. Even us old broads have no trouble squatting--it's getting up again that's the killer!!

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    1. I'm starting to think getting up is the hard part, as well. It's all a little dangerous at this point, I think.

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  2. "No, Janice. I told you I'm a size six now, not a size Disney Chanel over-worked child actor," and throwing my pants at the dressing room attendant?
    I was cuh-racking up laughing at that, but then it suddenly occurred to me I don't actually get it. Is size six big?

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    1. Hahaha... truth be told, I'm not a size six, especially at this stage in the post-partum game, but six is the number that tapped itself out on the keyboard this morning. I'm delusional from too many late night feedings, fo sho.

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  3. Hahahahaha, perfect. Absolutely perfect.

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    1. Thanks, Ana! I'm guessing you haven't had that baby yet. Have that baby!

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  4. When I plank the kids try to balance stuff on me. Consider yourself lucky that they didn't try that... it can get messy.

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    1. I didn't have anything bouncing off of me...except for some unruly hip fat, but I did have my son try with all his might to sweep my leg out from under me.

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  5. I just realized today that exercise is no longer optional if I want to remain clothed. It was a sad, sad day - and I didn't even just have a baby. That's the worst part. I have no excuse. Love the Olivia Newton John reference. I remember a friend of mine & I made up an exercise routine to Physical to perform in school. We actually thought the song was about exercising.

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    1. Yep, I used to think that too. I think we all did. Very deceptive, Olivia. Very deceptive. I agree though; Remaining clothed, at least in something other than a very fashionable flour sack, depends entirely upon working out, at this point.

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  6. Olivia Newton-John is my favorite Newton excluding Fig Newtons.

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    1. I dunno, Christian. Wayne might just be in the running. But I agree that Fig Newtons will always be number one. And with milk? No competition.

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  7. It's one sure way to tell that a blogger is a zombie... if she writes about her "at- home workout while the kids quietly played nearby".

    Just so you know.

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    1. Ha! No kidding. I've yet to hear anyone actually say that with a straight face. If anybody out there knows how to keep two toddlers occupied so completely that they don't notice me flailing about in the living room, I'd pay to hear it.

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  8. Hi Paige, I'm Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com) visiting from Finding the Funny.

    Oh my God, I think I just died a little. This was too funny. Added myself as a follower!

    Anyway, it’s nice to "meet" you. I hope you can pop over to my blog and say hi sometime if you get the chance.

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  9. So. Freaking. Funny. I loved the swimsuit line. Ellen

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  10. That is so true! Of course, I'm reading your blog instead of doing my own workout after dropping off the little one at school. There is hope for an extended workout. It's called school. :-)

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  11. I decided to name my muffin top Gloria, and just embrace her (figuratively, of course, as I am not that flexible), for she is squishy and dependable.

    And BTW, (it takes longer for me to type that than it does the words By The Way, but it makes me feel hipper) you can't be That Homeschooled Girl, cuz I'm That Homeschooled Girl! Whoa. Two of us. YOU, of all people, know how weird that is. I'm surprised we didn't know each other back in the day, and weren't forced to have book clubs together.

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  12. Loved this. If working out is "me" time, I'd rather do something for somebody else.

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  13. People who work out tend to die at some point? That's a scary statistic. Scary enough to make me want to stop working out. Oh wait, I already don't work out. Okay, awesome.

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  14. Someday I'll have to email you the pics of the kids "helping me" do yoga. They're the ones doing the splay-legged downward dog in the looming shadow of the Death Star - oh no wait, that's just me at 7 months pregnant. I, for one, do feel much less likely to die when I don't exercise. I'm sure the kids feel the same way.

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  15. I was waiting for the picture of you in the Olivia Newton John getup.

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  16. Very funny! "After I get out of this plank you'll be sorry" LOL!! Thanks for a laugh today. (came from finding the funny)

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  17. OMG, too funny! Glad I found your blog. I can so relate. If you'd like, stop on by sanitywaitingtohappen.blogspot.com. I'm trying to work up the motivation to work out myself, but so far, even the motivation is more than I can muster.

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  18. Oh! Right! THIS is why I don't exercise!

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