Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Why Moms Don't Exercise: The Multi-tasking Muffintop Conundrum

"I told you, Gertrude. It's step, step, grapevine, tendu. Pull yourself together."
Morning Readers,

I've never been a fan of working out. Mostly because I read a study that said people who work out tend to die at some point in their lives. Those are pretty risky odds to play. But, as I just had baby number three, and the fat around my waist keeps getting shut in the car door, I thought it was time to maybe I find some oldies to sweat to or else.

So, I bought a dvd, replicated Olivia Newton John's outfit from the Physical video, precisely, and my sweat band, matching wrist bands and leotard pressed "play" on an endeavor that was so terrifying to observe, I'd hung a sign on the door, "Do Not Ring, Unless In Search of Emotional Scarring ...if selling candy bars, please take dollar in mailbox."

Besides the fact exercise is extremely dangerous, I couldn't put my finger on why I'd been avoiding it for so long...

The sweat?
The pain?
The after-workout smoothie that didn't quite live up to expectations?
Screaming, "No, Janice. I told you I'm a size six now, not a size Disney Chanel over-worked child actor," and throwing my pants at the dressing room attendant?

It wasn't until well into my warm up I had an inkling why I'd been re-ordering my "Honk if someone you love has been killed by an elliptical" bumper sticker, every year. When the lady with the pink swimsuit stepped in front of me.

"Hey."

"Sorry, Momma."

"Listen, lady. This work out is for dedicated individuals. Not for people who think swimsuit season stretches well into the Christmas season."

But, I recovered pace and moved on, until...

"Momma, juice?"

"No."

"Momma, hold me?"

"No, darling. Momma's trying to hold her muffin top and chest in place while she jogs. She can't possibly take on an extra toddler."

The workout kicked it up a notch. The narrator began adding things I could do to up the intensity:

Dodge objects being thrown by toddlers, while squatting.
Engage abs and save newborn from being catapulted from swing by jealous children.
Knees to chest while replacing milk and shutting refrigerator door
Plank and yell things like, "After I get out of this plank, you'll be sorry."

Jog
Squat
Plank
Re-evaluate whether children who can't drive may be able to still live on their own.

Olivia Newton John never has to deal with things like this. Which is why she probably still works out and I'm still trying not to get my back fat stuck in the couch cushions.

Until Next Time, Readers!