Friday, November 16, 2012

A Penny Saved is Probably Someone Else's


Afternoon Readers,

I don't know what your financial plans look like these days, but I can tell you, we're starting to run out of space under our mattress. Not that there's a whole bunch of cash under there. Actually, it's a whole lot of IOU's with smiley faces I've drawn to myself. Sometimes I add hair and little corn cob pipes so they look like snowmen.

Fortunately, Husband and I aren't entirely broke. You may remember a while back when we met with financial planners for the first time. We realized we had five spare dollars and had heard about something called the stock market. They bandied about words like "retirement" and "bonds". I just kept screaming, "Put it all on black. Fast and loose. Fast and loose."

Progress was slow.

As it'd been sometime since I'd been truly confused about money or shiny folders with impressive logos on them, I decided to check in with the finance people and come to grips with what was going on. Unfortunately, our original financial advisers decided to move on. This left me explaining our expenses to complete strangers.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Josh."

"Hi Josh. I'm here to show you what life might look like if you decide to quit your job and become a writer. Also, I'd like you to tell me if we could afford some real estate in Scottsdale. Kidding, when I told you I'm a writer, I was implying I have no money."

"Mrs. Kellerman, how would you describe your current financial situation?"

"Sometimes I can find my debit card, sometimes I can't. Once, when I tried to deposit a flyer for the local animal shelter, the bank teller told me I couldn't."

"Would you say you work on a budget?"

I considered. "If you're asking whether we live within our means, the answer is yes. I also maintain that the kids deserved those ponies and complimentary fascinators. Husband made a big deal about it, but, like I told him, "You have to spend money to pretend to be royalty." After that, talks pretty much shut down about the yacht."

"I see."

"Yeah, he maintains it was about avoiding massive debt. I say some people just aren't comfortable with a private butler, robes made out of one-hundred-percent organic cotton, and excessive decorating with life preservers."

"Uh huh."

"But we do save money."

"You do?"

"Like I said before, we're a one-income family, but that doesn't stop me from saving all the pennies I find on the ground around the car wash. I feel like that's cash flow we could put to work."

"What would you be interested in?"

"Mainly industries that are flourishing ...Blockbuster, Hostess, Tae Bo."  

"You have no idea how the market works, do you?"

"None."

All in all, I think it went really well. I got a good look at where we stand right now, and the baby took the opportunity to poop himself in the middle of the meeting, so they knew we meant business. You guys may not know, but pooping yourself in public is a sign of dominance..

...or was it incontinence?

Until Next Time, Readers!



17 comments:

  1. I'd invest with you, but my money is still tied up in Betamax. I know that shit is coming back.

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    1. Like I always say, Jen,if you hold out hope long enough, they might start making vcrs with voice command. I have a firm grasp of where technology's headed.

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  2. Betamax FTW. Nice! Love your bet it all on black industries.

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    1. Thanks, Bret! When more than fifty cents and the stock market are mentioned, I get a little crazy about it.

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  3. Replies
    1. I've seen the way she bosses the Doll House cast around. I know who runs things.

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  4. "Pooping yourself in public is a sign of dominance.. or was it incontinence?" Birth to 2 years: incontinence.
    2 years to 14 years: laziness
    14 years to 22 years: stoned
    22 years to 70 years: dominance
    70 years & up: back to incontinence

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    1. I think you should have Robyn of Hollow Tree Ventures turn that into a graphic and you could sell it on t-shirts. I think we've got something here, my friend.

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  5. I would be so good at investing money if I had any. Well I actually had a spare $10 today, but I took the kids into the shops with me and they had 5 Hot Wheels cars for $10, and well there were Angry Birds cars in that pile. Angry Birds!

    Damn kids won't let me play with them 'though.

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    1. To be fair, that's a great deal. I keep stepping on Hot Wheels cars, but continue buying them when I see my kid's smiling faces. Can't. Win.

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  6. Listen, complimentary fascinators are no joke. True justification for stocking up ponies, I say. Just keep having babies to poop dominance over any financial situation and you're good to go.

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    1. Right? Fascinators are no joke. I feel like I need to start a petition to bring them to America and encourage people to start wearing them to the grocery store, church, etc. Come on, America. We can do this.

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  7. We have never met with a financial planner because I am afraid it would sound just like that. Also, because I'm not too concerned with financially planning my zero dollars.

    This post is FUNNY!

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    1. Exactly. I know we're supposed to be all responsible and plan our future, but five dollars will only get you so far when you're trying to buy 800 shares of stock in Apple.

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  8. There is a business up the hill from our house. Right, on the hill...where things are greener, like money. They call themselves Wealth Advocates and I think that is what really closed the deal on there never being a deal. I hope the smog coming out of my exhaust pipe doesn't bother their tuxedo clad clients. I may purchase a bubble pipe just so I can pat shoulders and say, "chap" as I slowly roll by. AND, I love that the baby showed everyone that he is the only person you will take sh*t from.

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    1. Now that I think about it, I believe I need a bubble pipe as well. At least, the next time I go in there, I might trick them into thinking I know what I'm talking about ...I think.

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