Monday, November 19, 2012

How to Fight With Your Spouse Without Them Knowing It

Milly had given Jeremiah the crazy eye the entire Christmas card session. Would he ever notice how upset she was? Or would more innocent daisies have to die, before justice was served? The carriage ride home was sure to be awkward.
Morning Readers,

This past week, a few things occurred to me. One, that I look great in chambray. And, two, I make it sound like I never fight with Husband.

Seriously, it's like the blue against my eyes wouldn't let me decide whether I looked like a young Bette Davis or a Young Joan Crawford from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Magical.

(Disclaimer: For those of you who are new here, I'm not that old, yet make references to things that are much older than I. Don't try to figure it out. Embrace it, give it a one-shouldered awkward hug and keep walking.)

Right. But back to "Marital Bliss 101", I'm fully aware I never really go into the things my soul mate and I fight about, but we do fight, so those of you who were wondering, please stop staying up late, wearing circles in your living room rug, and shouting, "But do they?" Yes, all two of you, stop it.

The problem is, whenever we do fight, we're really bad at it. Bad at speaking. Bad at making eye contact. Bad at figuring out why the other person put a sign on the bedroom door, that says, "The Bedroom Has Moved. New Arby's Coming Soon!" But, it's mostly my fault though because I'm terrible at telling him when I'm mad.

Sure, not speaking can slow down communication and bring progress to a a screeching halt, but you might luck out and get the point across. If you've decided you're also ready to fight without fighting, please enjoy the valuable tips I've gathered over the last three years.

How to Fight With Your Spouse Without Them Knowing It 

by

 Paige Kellerman
Woman who never has marital problems, ever, ever, never

1.) If your spouse asks if something's wrong, say, "I'm fine," just loud enough you can go back to writing, "I'm not fine," in mustard, on your walls, without being bothered again.

2.) When riding in the car while holding a grudge, turn down the radio, repeatedly, while stating, "That Yankee Candle air freshener we picked out used to be my favorite."

"I thought you loved Pumkin Spice Reverie?"

"Pumpkin is a scourge on the earth. And no one has a reverie except Bella in Twilight."

3.) Answer the question, "Why are you so quiet?" with one of the following:
  • I've always been this quiet. Are you trying to say I've never been quiet? Maybe you're the one who's being quiet. And for your information, quiet's the new black.  *puts ear muffs back on and crawls back under the bed*
  • I'm not being quiet. It's just, the convent I applied to requests a vow of silence.
  • I can't hear you through the sound-proof cube I built in the garage under the pretense it was a recording studio for pursuing my dreams of de-throning Mariah Carey as America's number one female vocalist of the last decade.
4.) When turning in for the night, stare at your spouse awkwardly, breath heavily through your nose, and start carving dioramas in the headboard until he falls asleep. When he asks why, say, "I wasn't, but maybe you should work on not blinking so loud."

5.) If all else fails, write a sonnet expressing your feelings. If men understand anything, it's vague references to ill-defined feelings of aggression set to iambic pentameter.

Until Next Time, Readers!











28 comments:

  1. LOL. I have no compunction about letting my sweetie know when I'm peeved. I'd just better have a darn good reason, though, because he has no compunction about it, either. Our worst encounter ever in 21 years? Over whether the mayonnaise goes on the ham or on the bread in a sandwich. There's actually more to it than that, and it is an ongoing argument that we have learned to laugh about. (He's still wrong. :))

    My dear mentor and other mother, Elmaerine, married in the 1930s. She never told her husband when he hurt her feelings. Instead, she would go out and buy a hat. The fact that she never wore hats was significant. Finally, after years of collecting hats around the bedroom that she never wore, her husband asked her why she had all the hats. She told him she bought one every time he hurt her feelings. She never had to buy another hat again. . . . I miss her. . . . Perhaps I should get a hat and put mayonnaise on it.

    Thanks for the morning smile. :)

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    1. Aww- I love that! Hats- who knew?

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    2. Piper, that is the best story ever. Hats may just have become a player in this crazy romance/family circus of ours.

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  2. Hilarious. I turn into Foghorn Leghorn when I'm angry at my husband. Then we both end up laughing. Usually. Or I leave the room in silence and my 8yo daughter tells her dad, "Mommy is really angry."

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    1. LOL... Leanne, the image of you yelling like Foghorn Leghorn just made my night. At least that's verbalizing your anger.

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  3. I don't do iambic pentameter--will a gentle haiku do?

    F**k you & the horse
    You rode in on & don't touch
    Me--you're an ass***e!

    My point is to try to keep things polite at all times!

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    1. Just butting in to let you know I copied that haiku onto 100 notecards, to be passed out for the remainder of our marriage/lives on an as-needed basis/daily.

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    2. Fishdcky, I'm telling you, you and Robyn need to team up and start designing greeting cards. I'm sensing a real money-making team here.

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    3. Robyn--Did you see my post of 9/26/12 "FISHDUCKY’S GREETING CARDS, INC."? Want to start a business?

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  4. A) Never admit in print that anything might even partly be your fault.

    B) Your list is genius. It's a huge improvement over my current routine of humming a dirge while whittling a shiv in my rocking chair and casting meaningful glances in his direction.

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    1. Sometimes, Robyn, I'm convinced we must be related somehow.

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  5. Oh, you are brilliant, woman. Chambray! Ha! I may have to coax my husband to read this. No, wait that seems like it may violate some code of sisterhood. Never mind.

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    1. Oh, you are too sweet, Stephanie! Feel free to let your husband read, but also feel free to let him get you a Chambray shirt. They're pretty much adorable.

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  6. I am going to spend my day repeatedly saying "That Yankee Candle air freshener we picked out used to be my favorite." The other moms at the Thanksgiving preschool party might look at me oddly, but I want to desensitize myself to the urge to laugh about it so I can pull it off smoothly for my husband tonight--would be so worth it.

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    1. If anyone can pull this off, Meredith, it's you. I want you to report back with your results. Also, report back with your favorite Yankee Candle selection. My Pumpkin Spice is almost gone and I need recommendations for a new scent for Fall.

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  7. Just this morning I threatened Branden, who woke me up to shave his back, (at 9:30am, the barbarian!) that I would shave all of it but the parts he couldn't reach so then he'd have horrible itchy spots that he couldn't scratch!
    Communication has never been an issue as we both never seem to be able to stop talking ;)

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    1. And you guys shoot adoarble videos together. I guess you could always make a video detailing why you're upset. Anything goes when trying to communicate how you feel about back shaving. And might I add that back shaving goes above and beyond our call of duty. I commend you for your bravery.

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  8. After 18 years of marriage, I can count on one hand the number of times we've had big fights. Coincidentally, that is the same number of fingers it takes to make a fist, which sometimes I would love to use on his adorable face. Sometimes.

    Great post, Paige. Oh and I am a HUGE fan of old black and white movies and the reference to Joan Crawford and Bette Davis just gave me a good idea for a blog post. Thanks!!

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    1. Luckily, we've only ever had a few big fights. We tend to see eye-to-eye on most things. However, we do need to work on speaking our minds. There's only so many times I can take out my agression on the Yankee Candle air freshener.

      And I do love me some old movies. Holler at me when you finish that post!

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  9. Such crazy funny advice. I love the passive aggressive approach you take here!

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    1. My middle name would've been "Passive Aggressive", if it would've fit in the birth certificate. Really need to work on that, but thank you!

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  10. Love this! When I'm angry with my husband I slam stuff around (pots and pans work well), and I also slam the refrigerator door hard (which I know drives him bananas). Then I reference time worn "insults" with the dreaded you never...you never take my feelings into account...you never help me with this.. And so it goes. Actually, he's fairly considerate and helpful...but you didn't hear it from me.
    Estelle

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    1. Ha! Sometimes I wish I was the type to be able to slam doors, but I did that a couple times and I think Husband just chalked it up to a strong breeze.

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  11. You are hilarious, as always. May I add, laugh out loud at your blogging friends on the computer and when he asks what's so funny stare blankly and say "goats."

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  12. I'm more aggressive, I think. I'd be the one cutting the wires on his xbox while giving him the middle finger.

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  13. Or if you really wanted to be ambitious, you could write a sonnet set to music. You know, for de-throning Mariah and such.

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  14. I'm stopping in via Camp Patton and couldn't resist commenting. I, too am a lover of film and especially old ones. I can hardly complete a thought without some movie quote popping into it. And Whatever Happened to Baby Jane trumps any modern horror film on pure creep principle.

    Further, "I'm fine" is my go-to pissed off reply and I think it's now starting to give me away. It seems to set off alarms in my husband's head.

    Thanks for the laugh and the stellar passive aggressive sparring tips.

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