Monday, November 19, 2012

How to Fight With Your Spouse Without Them Knowing It

Milly had given Jeremiah the crazy eye the entire Christmas card session. Would he ever notice how upset she was? Or would more innocent daisies have to die, before justice was served? The carriage ride home was sure to be awkward.
Morning Readers,

This past week, a few things occurred to me. One, that I look great in chambray. And, two, I make it sound like I never fight with Husband.

Seriously, it's like the blue against my eyes wouldn't let me decide whether I looked like a young Bette Davis or a Young Joan Crawford from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Magical.

(Disclaimer: For those of you who are new here, I'm not that old, yet make references to things that are much older than I. Don't try to figure it out. Embrace it, give it a one-shouldered awkward hug and keep walking.)

Right. But back to "Marital Bliss 101", I'm fully aware I never really go into the things my soul mate and I fight about, but we do fight, so those of you who were wondering, please stop staying up late, wearing circles in your living room rug, and shouting, "But do they?" Yes, all two of you, stop it.

The problem is, whenever we do fight, we're really bad at it. Bad at speaking. Bad at making eye contact. Bad at figuring out why the other person put a sign on the bedroom door, that says, "The Bedroom Has Moved. New Arby's Coming Soon!" But, it's mostly my fault though because I'm terrible at telling him when I'm mad.

Sure, not speaking can slow down communication and bring progress to a a screeching halt, but you might luck out and get the point across. If you've decided you're also ready to fight without fighting, please enjoy the valuable tips I've gathered over the last three years.

How to Fight With Your Spouse Without Them Knowing It 


 Paige Kellerman
Woman who never has marital problems, ever, ever, never

1.) If your spouse asks if something's wrong, say, "I'm fine," just loud enough you can go back to writing, "I'm not fine," in mustard, on your walls, without being bothered again.

2.) When riding in the car while holding a grudge, turn down the radio, repeatedly, while stating, "That Yankee Candle air freshener we picked out used to be my favorite."

"I thought you loved Pumkin Spice Reverie?"

"Pumpkin is a scourge on the earth. And no one has a reverie except Bella in Twilight."

3.) Answer the question, "Why are you so quiet?" with one of the following:
  • I've always been this quiet. Are you trying to say I've never been quiet? Maybe you're the one who's being quiet. And for your information, quiet's the new black.  *puts ear muffs back on and crawls back under the bed*
  • I'm not being quiet. It's just, the convent I applied to requests a vow of silence.
  • I can't hear you through the sound-proof cube I built in the garage under the pretense it was a recording studio for pursuing my dreams of de-throning Mariah Carey as America's number one female vocalist of the last decade.
4.) When turning in for the night, stare at your spouse awkwardly, breath heavily through your nose, and start carving dioramas in the headboard until he falls asleep. When he asks why, say, "I wasn't, but maybe you should work on not blinking so loud."

5.) If all else fails, write a sonnet expressing your feelings. If men understand anything, it's vague references to ill-defined feelings of aggression set to iambic pentameter.

Until Next Time, Readers!