Friday, November 30, 2012

Merry Christmas: My Secret Recipe For Oreo Balls

"Sit down. Have some Oreo Balls. If I made them right, they should taste just like the aluminum tree."
Morning Readers,

The twins have got me running in circles today, so I thought this a great time to kick off the holiday season with one of my favorite recipes I originally shared with you last year. Next week, I'll have a new recipe for you, we'll find out if the Split-level has sunk through all the way to China, and I'll also be sharing tips on how to have a Christmas tree and toddlers in your house at the same time.


(Originally published December, 2011)

Oreo Balls

You Will Need: 
The biggest bag of Double-Stuff Oreos on the market, beer, 1 package cream cheese (softened), the patience of a saint, a bowl, quick reflexes, wax paper, music to keep you focused (I like any selection by The Carpenters), a cookie sheet, a clean spot on the floor to prostrate yourself on, dipping chocolate, a stronger liqueur if the beer isn't doing it ( I like Gin, but also like to think of myself as flexible, so whiskey works just as well).

1.) Start by putting both the cream cheese and your kids out to soften. A good episode of Barney will work for both these purposes. Just make sure to set the cream cheese on the hot cable box.

2.) Powerwalk back to the kitchen; this will help keep thighs tight after you've eaten all the Oreo balls, and give you a sense of purpose when you take out the bowl and dump the Oreos in.

3.) Using an extra beater that goes to the hand mixer you haven't spoken to in several months, begin crushing Oreos by hand, using the old "mortar and pestle" method. You can use a food processor, but you won't be able to read blogs while turning those delicious cookies into an unrecognizable heap of graveyard dirt..or "Holiday Dirt", if you want your Oreo balls to have a more of a pc taste.

4.) Stop everything you're doing and run back to living room. While your cookie crumbs are idling, you have ample time to put the Christmas tree back together. Alas, Barney couldn't save it, tho he is a substantial size dinosaur. Try to re-hang colored balls in the order you originally arranged them.

5.) Slump back to the kitchen (remember to smile), grabbing the cream cheese as you go, and splat it into the bowl with the crumbs, which should still be crumbly. Work all ingredients into a ball the size of your baby's head when it was born. Marvel at the fact you're holding an entire package of Oreos in your hand and could eat all of it without anyone knowing. 

6.) Stop and call your mom to come babysit while you try to shop for something for your kids to wear to mass on Christmas Eve. Use this time to roll the dough into 1 inch balls and set them on the cookie sheet.

7.) By this time, you should be closing in on the last three pieces of dough. A relief , as you hear the TV being ripped out of the wall. Jog to the living room and, using your wrists, remove both children from TV stand.

8.) Put dough in the freezer for 15 minutes.   

9.) While dough freezes, begin melting your chocolate. Stir frequently between fights. 

10.) Open beer. Reevaluate your life. Decide you like it, just in time to take dough back out of the freezer.

11.) Attach one toddler to each leg, and dip balls into melted chocolate. Let candy set-up and refrigerate to store.
12.) Proudly announce to Husband you made Christmas candy as a surprise for him to take to work. 

13.) Frown as you watch him leave without it, the next day.

14.) Take shot of Whiskey. 
Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. You had me at Oreo balls! Your recipes go a lot like mine! Beer included.

  2. I made these one year when my kids were small, but I may have added extra booze (BTW, it works if you substitute wine). I don't remember eating them, but my husband tells me I refused to share!

  3. You open beer on step 10, but don't drink it? No. Never waste beer. And I'm a little taken aback that you expect us to wait that long before we start drinking. Imma go ahead and start at step 1 if that's okay.

  4. Awesome and sounds like when I bake or cook in my house with my two beasts, but it is Doc McStuffins not Barney. And I am totally waiting to hear how you have a Christmas Tree with toddlers in the house!! Seriously need some tips, because my kids take everything off that damn tree and then some. Leaving me to redecorate daily!!

  5. Loved every line if this, but if I had to pick a favorite, it would probably be the part about picking the kids up with your wrists - you sure paint a vivid picture, lady! I'd like to know how you saw me trying to cook, though...

  6. Hi Paige. This sounded really enticing so I tried it with the gluten free Oreo imitations, which are actually really good, and goat cheese since some family members can't eat cow cheese. It was a bit tart with the goat cheese so I added about 1/4 cup of powdered sugar. By the time it was finished, it was a smooth, creamy chocolate mix with the occasional cookie crumb. It's frozen into little balls right now, waiting for me to get the gumption to dip them. I'll let you know how they come out. :)

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