Saturday, November 3, 2012

On the Island of Misfit Pants

Evening Readers,

When I go out in public, I prefer to be awkward, not look it.  Trying to do both at the same time is way too much work, because I'm also extremely lazy. So, while I may accidentally look at you crosseyed when we first meet, please know that I've also taken the time to make sure my outfit, at least, matches and I've popped my collar to compliment my flats.

Whoa ....slow down, Paige. That's a lot of clothing Jargon.

Sorry, sometimes I stumble onto J. Crew's website and want to start using vocabulary like "Ruching" and "You want this because it's darted. Daaaarted."

Oh, and I love, "Pleat".

Pleat.

Anywho.

Before Husband and I headed out on our date last night, I found my post-partum self in need of pants that fit. But, with no money right after bombarding Amazon with my Christmas list, I couldn't afford to have my private tailor head over and begin designing something.

Just kidding, my tailor doesn't make house calls. But she does let me pay by check and doesn't ask how I get holes in the armpits of garments.

So, I did something I don't usually do, and had a bright idea that turned into a horrible idea. Wait, no. I do that quite a bit. But that didn't stop me from jumping in the mini van and yelling out the window, "To the thrift store. But not too fast because you just got in an accident."

It seemed plausible the thrift store had lots of pants. So many, I reasoned, there had to be at least one pair which would fit me, but be ridiculously cheap. I might have to wade through stacks of denim, but it'd be worth it to only pay five dollars to clothe a muffin top in dire need of being covered.

...actually, what I have going on around my middle would be better served by a corset and some barbed wire, but it's getting increasingly difficult to find someone brave enough to lace me up and I just know the twins hid the wire cutters again.

I was right. There were racks and racks of jeans: jean skirts, jean vests, jean Christmas sweaters proclaiming, "Jean -gle Bells!" Jaw set in determination, pea coat buttoned all the way to the top in defiance, I charged, schoolmarm- bun-first, into the fray.

But, oh ...sometimes you don't know you can't swim until you realize you don't remember ever paying for swim lessons. Before I knew it, I'd been set adrift in a sea of St. John's Bay, Sag Harbor, and a few ungodly brands I'd never heard of. I wasn't some seamstress wiz who'd be able to make any of these I Know What You Did Last Summer rejects work for me.

Soon, I was spinning in circles, shouting to no one in particular...

"Why is the crotch trying to touch the ground?"

"Can you "cuff" an entire pair of jeans?"

"In the 90's, did "wide leg" mean "Fits most circus elephants"?

"Should denim be distressed to the point it looks like human skin?"

"Why is there a driver's license in this one? Does anyone know where this person is and if they realize they're not wearing pants?"

Defeated, I waded out of Sag Harbor and back to the mini van. Too late to go anywhere else, I did what any self-respecting person would do after making it out of St. John's Bay alive, ate some chocolate and compared prices for corsets on Amazon. The wire cutters could wait until morning.

Until Next Time, Readers!










18 comments:

  1. ha!!!

    at least you see the humor in the situation.

    At 29 weeks I'm starting to get a littttle scared of the next 11 weeks and I know that the real fun begins with the postpartum bod ...

    I'll be forcing a smile come January ... while you dedicate hilarious posts to the topic. brava.

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    1. You look better pregnant than I do not pregnant, my dear. I could put together the adorable outfits you do, I wouldn't be terrified to head back into the thrift store. I already know you'll look fab right after you have that baby ...:)

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  2. I just recently had the same insane thrift store plan, but hadn't gotten out of the house yet. Thanks for saving me the trip; you'd *think* pants with a name like Sag Harbor would almost have to be flattering, so it's easy to forget they are most decidedly not.

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    1. To paraphrase The Big Bang Theory, whoever came up with the name "Sag Harbor" should be dragged out in the street and beaten with a bag of oranges.

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  3. What about the old reliable elastic waist pants? They're a mainstay for people my age--which you ARE NOT!

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    1. I love me some elastic pants. I really don't know what I was thinking trying to buy pants with a zipper. Everyone loses their reason sometimes.

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  4. This is the story of my clothes shopping life....*sigh*

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    1. This is why you are truly a kindred spirit, my dear Lani.

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  5. Jean-gle all the way. Hope you and the hubby had a great date night and that you didn't go pantsless.

    Teri

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    1. I'd prefer to not wear pants altogether, but they don't call it indecent exposure, for nothing. That could cause emotional scaring for an entire populace.

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  6. Nothing like a jean shopping trip to make you hit up the chocolate (and alcohol) hard!

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    1. I'm just nodding at the screen right now. Couldn't have said it better.

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  7. Ha! Funny, funny! What fresh hell is shopping? I am lamenting however finding a rather spendy pair of jeans that made me look like a Hollywood actress and NOT BUYING them. Of course if I had bought them my husband would have ripped me a new one and we would have been eating Purina Cat Chow for the rest of the month...

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    1. Agreed. I can always find pants that work for me, if I'm willing to fork over a few hundred dollars or so. Husband always get so excited when I tell him we can't pay the mortgage, but that my rear now looks lifted because of carefully hand-stitched pockets.

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  8. So I certainly hope you at least stocked up on the jean Christmas sweaters. While the pant situation remains a bit dicey, at least all your holiday top needs would be covered.

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  9. Hahaha. I always have high hopes for the thrift store, and end up leaving empty handed. It seems that OTHER people always get awesome stuff at the thrift store, but not me. And I guess not you. I'm a big fan of leggings. Not quite pants, but not exactly not pants. They hold in a muffin top like nothing else, and depending on what you're wearing them with they can look pretty fab. Plus, they're way cheaper and more comfortable than jeans. In fact, I don't even know why I wear jeans when I own leggings. Weird.

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  10. The thrift store is my favorite and the online pants buying is my 2nd favorite. You should see the enraged disgust on my face when I tell my husband that I shouldn't *HAVE* to try them on and then send everything back and put on my maternity jeans...like always. I hope date night was still fun even though your legs were probably freezing without pants.

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