Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The United States of Spandex

Superman ...championing America and spandex for as long as I can remember.
Morning Readers,

No matter what kind of mood you woke up in today, please know I heard your worries, and I'm here to allay your fears. Actually, I'm a little flattered you all were losing sleep over the state of my muffin top. But I'm here to tell you, as far as Kellerman politics were concerned, all my garments banded together in solidarity.

Last night, I was able to sneak out of the house and attend my first mother's group, a much-needed respite from the "I pooped myself"s and the "I pooped on my hand"s that've been trending around here lately. And it got me thinking. "Now that I have time to put together two, coherent thoughts, America needs to know what the political climate is like around the old Split-level these days.

....Also, this Gin and Tonic is delicious. I'm glad they didn't discontinue them while I was pregnant."

Now, the hard-hitting questions:

Where do you stand on job security?

"We're feeling pretty good. Her middle is about as flabby as two pigs fighting under a parachute. Some days it's down-right frightening, but national security may depend on us keeping things in check. If we snap, someone could lose an eye. A nation without eyes is one that has trouble putting on mascara."
- Paige's Spanx

"She wears us, like, every day. So, yeah, you could say we're doin' ok. Emotionally scarred, but doing ok." - Yoga Pants

What about foreign policy?

"I have a plan. I know the first three attempts didn't work, but this time I'll use more peanut butter. They love peanut butter." - Husband on the mouse that's infultrated the basement and will be hunted with extreme predudice.

"We keep saying we need reinforcement, but we're just left hanging." - Assorted Bras

The State of the Economy?

"I'm sorry, Mam. It's called an over-draft fee because you, um, over-drafted it. Did you really need Oreos in bulk and the Walk Away the Pounds dvd all in the same month?" - Bank Teller

Please stay tuned for more breaking updates as we move into 2013.

Until Next Time, Readers!








14 comments:

  1. Paige, once again I die.

    Your wisdom knows no bounds. Bless you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just a simple pair of Spanx trying to do its duty, my friend...;)

      Delete
  2. You went out on election night? Brave. Not that I watched the coverage, but there's no way I would go out anywhere near people the night of the general election. I'm a little disappointed to hear you kept on all your garments, though. Poor hubs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's amazing what eight weeks being cooped up with the kids can do, Josh. I know you know..lol.

      Delete
  3. You are quite the political pundit! I think you should run for President in 2016. I would be honored to be your campaign manager. Your slogan could be, "Gin & tonics & elastic waist pants for everyone!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I think I could probably get most people behind me with a slogan like that. You may not like gin, but who doesn't like elastic waist pants?

      Delete
  4. "If these Spandex could talk..." I wish I had a quarter for ever time I've said that.

    Apparently, Paige, yours can. Show off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They have a mind of their own, that pair. Truly frightening the things they've had to see.

      Delete
  5. I'm so upset that I didn't consider you for a write-in. My bras have been asking for reinforcements for years to which I say, "I don't even know what size you are. Stop complaining. You are so selfish!" and then I wear sports bras to really teach them a lesson. 4 more years of Paige, spandex and your yoga pants!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I had to put a gag order on my Spanx - they know too much.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I puffy heart you, your Spanx, your Oreos in bulk and your mouse in the basement. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so envious. How do manage to stay so savvy on these pressing political issues? You are such a woman of the world, Paige!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jeez oh man, Paige. You KILL me. So funny. If my Spanx could talk ... well, I'd find a way to mute it.

    ReplyDelete