Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The United States of Spandex

Superman ...championing America and spandex for as long as I can remember.
Morning Readers,

No matter what kind of mood you woke up in today, please know I heard your worries, and I'm here to allay your fears. Actually, I'm a little flattered you all were losing sleep over the state of my muffin top. But I'm here to tell you, as far as Kellerman politics were concerned, all my garments banded together in solidarity.

Last night, I was able to sneak out of the house and attend my first mother's group, a much-needed respite from the "I pooped myself"s and the "I pooped on my hand"s that've been trending around here lately. And it got me thinking. "Now that I have time to put together two, coherent thoughts, America needs to know what the political climate is like around the old Split-level these days.

....Also, this Gin and Tonic is delicious. I'm glad they didn't discontinue them while I was pregnant."

Now, the hard-hitting questions:

Where do you stand on job security?

"We're feeling pretty good. Her middle is about as flabby as two pigs fighting under a parachute. Some days it's down-right frightening, but national security may depend on us keeping things in check. If we snap, someone could lose an eye. A nation without eyes is one that has trouble putting on mascara."
- Paige's Spanx

"She wears us, like, every day. So, yeah, you could say we're doin' ok. Emotionally scarred, but doing ok." - Yoga Pants

What about foreign policy?

"I have a plan. I know the first three attempts didn't work, but this time I'll use more peanut butter. They love peanut butter." - Husband on the mouse that's infultrated the basement and will be hunted with extreme predudice.

"We keep saying we need reinforcement, but we're just left hanging." - Assorted Bras

The State of the Economy?

"I'm sorry, Mam. It's called an over-draft fee because you, um, over-drafted it. Did you really need Oreos in bulk and the Walk Away the Pounds dvd all in the same month?" - Bank Teller

Please stay tuned for more breaking updates as we move into 2013.

Until Next Time, Readers!