Tuesday, November 27, 2012

We're Sinking ...Pass the Wine, So I Have Something To Hold On To

I wrote you a song. It's called, "You Ate So Much, the House Caved In."

Morning Readers,

I once read a statistic saying one-hundred-percent of houses tend to age at some point in their life.  And, I don't know about you, but I tend to take the inside of Dove wrappers very seriously.

I also take chocolate very seriously, so there's that.

Not surprisingly, the Split-level finally decided to age. From recent developments, I'm fairly confident it woke up one morning, looked around and thought, "Hmm, 1969 seems to be over. This place could use some cracks. Not actual crack. I'm not that type of house, but a few chasms, here and there, couldn't hurt."

And so it goes. This weekend, Husband and I did our part explaining to our family what seems to be the problem:

Family: So, how is everything?

Husband: Nothing much. The house is caving in.

Family: Caving in?

Me: Well, honey, that's a little dramatic. I'd describe it more of a slow decent.

Family: Wait ...what? You're house is sinking into the ground?

Me: No, that's silly. Only half of it is.

Family: What do you mean, "half"?

Me: Don't worry, it's just the upstairs. Which is great because we only use that part of the house to sleep in. Which, when you think about it, is only eight or nine hours a day. Except when we nap. Then you have to factor in three or four additional.

Family: How do you know it's sinking?

Me: The support beam in the garage started sinking after the drought. And that's "drought" not "trout". One's a fish.

Family: And you say you're seeing cracks?

Me: Yep.

Family: Big ones?

Me: I saw a faun jump out of the one in my room. Which means we not only have to patch, but we also have a gateway into Narnia to consider. That's a lot of Spackle.


So, this morning, after convincing the twins that sitting still is all the rage this year, and putting Doc down for a nap, I made the all-important phone call.

"Hello, engineer's office."

"Fix it."

"What do you need fixed, Mam?"

"Fix it."

"Is it structural?"

"Fix it."

"When are you free to have us come out to your home?"

"Fix it. I'll give you some money."

And there we are. The house has decided to settle, but we haven't. Because we don't settle. We put paper with the twin's drawings over those cracks until someone comes to rescue us from the drywall ...and the fauns.

Until Next Time, Readers!




29 comments:

  1. Oh man Paige, this was too stinking funny the way you described it. I mean the idea of this is not, but the story telling of it had me cracking up this morning!!

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    1. Thanks, Janine! I find the best way to make light of your home caving in is to laugh about it until people can't hear you from underground.

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  2. I am sending you buckets of spackle for Christmas. Anything to help cover the "gateway to Narnia" situation.

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    1. Spackle is number one on my Christmas list, so I thank you from the bottom of my basement, which is moving closer to China as we speak.

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  3. The American Dream is a money wasting scam.

    :)

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  4. Oh, no!!! I should probably apologize for laughing like a maniac at your house distress because I lost it at "gateway to Narnia". Thank goodness it's only half of your house--and the part you don't use (mostly) during the day!! ;)

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    1. And, let's face it, if I get to meet Aslan, it'll all be worth it.

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  5. Paige, I laughed out loud so much during this post that the cats now think I'm crazy. Thanks for that. And, the picture caption is the funniest thing I've read in a while.

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    1. Don't worry, I think cats think we're all crazy anyway, so no harm done. I just hope girl in the picture breaks up with him. That was so rude.

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  6. Will your new van accomodate the five of you--to live in, I mean??

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    1. I sure hope so. The cabin area is fairly spacious and, thankfully, smells like old cookies and torn apart junk mail I distract the twins with.

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  7. That IS a lot of spackle! If you run out of the kids' drawings, I can tell you from experience that you can also hide the cracks from view by beating your head against the wall until you pass out. That causes new cracks sometimes, though.

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    1. I tried beating my head against the wall, but I kept coming to. I'll try again later today.

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    1. Yes, I can't tell if I should hit it with some pepper spray, or make it some tea.

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  9. I am dying, you are hilarious. A gateway to narnia? If I had cats like BPM they would think I was crazy as well. I just love you, that is all.

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    1. I love you too. And everyone probably has a gateway to Narnia. It's all about your house collapsing so you can find it.

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  10. Oh, geez, Paige. Although I would appreciate a gateway to Narnia. I hope you can sort this out without spending too much!

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    1. I'm cringing in fear of what we'll be quoted. Finding out later today...oh boy.

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  11. My house is 200+ years old and yeah, it's still sinking. And every so often, a door won't quite close the right way. Or a window isn't really moving as it should. And cracks? Yeah all the spackle in the world won't help the cracks we have. BUt I love living here, so we deal.

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    1. I would totally accept this situation if the house had proudly just celebrated its 200th birthday. But it's not even on the historical register yet, so I'm not letting it off the hook. Your house sounds awesome, btw....:)

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  12. I realize that the intent of the post was not to fill me with envy. However, I *do* now sort of fancy a gateway to Narnia and a faun leaping through it right in the comfort of my own sinking home.

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    1. Right? I'm upset about the house, but I've always wanted to try Turkish Delight and have tea with a faun.

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  13. Loved this! And I agree, "gateway to Narnia" was CLASSIC. Found you on Finding The Funny. I'll be back!

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    1. I'm so glad you found this little corner of the internet. Thank you!

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  14. Oh No! This is terrible, but you've got such a great sense of humor about it. Hopefully you get this fixed up really fast (and, err, inexpensively?!).

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  15. Wow, that was a fantastic post. This is my first time here and I loved it. Such great writing.

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  16. I'm so jealous of your portal to Narnia.

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