Monday, December 31, 2012

I'm Only Doing A Top Ten Because No One Thought of It...

I hired all three of them to stare at you until 2013.
Morning Readers,

I'm glad you're here. As it happens, I was deciding on whether to eat the twins' leftover pancake, or treat myself to something really special and eat an entire bag of mini doughnuts. But if I stop typing, I'll be eating. And if I'm eating, I'm not typing. So. Fine.

I'll be right back....

Ok, so you're probably here for the top ten list. I wasn't going to do it, but then I thought, "No, Paige. No. The lovely Readers, they stop by and spend their valuable time trying to figure out what the hell you mean most of the time. They deserve the best. Nay, the better of the best. Write that top ten list. Write it and don't look back."

Sorry, doughnut break. *sounds of intermission music*

Anywho, I read on the news that no one is doing a top ten list this year. Put down that Google. It's like you don't even trust me. So, like I was saying, no one's doing a top ten, therefore put on your party hats and lets party like it's 1999...

Which means I'll wait for my ride and poke at my braces until someone picks me up and I can go home and look at all my Hanson posters, while everyone freaks out about the end of the world brought upon us by ill-programmed computers.

After this doughnut.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Million Sticky Pieces

"Well, seeing as how Paper, Rock, Scissors turned out, I'll assemble the play kitchen, and you can finish putting the horse together."

Morning Readers,

Now that I have three kids, boredom seems to be my biggest problem. At least, I think it is. That's the only reason I can attach to what we bought for Christmas. Two days have passed, the gift wrap has settled, and I, thankfully still have things to fill my time. You can't imagine the huge relief, as I was just thinking to myself,

..."Woe is me. For there are several days left in this year, and I have nothing to occupy myself. If only there was something, SOMETHING, which would stave off the the loads of free time I find myself with while tending to these children. For, if I find myself with those ten free seconds in the bathroom, like I did yesterday, there needs to be something to fill the void."

And then Santa arrived and brought with him the answer.

Husband called to me. "What are you doing?"

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas! ...a tiny bit early.

"We can either start wrapping presents for the kids, or finish this wine and work on reenacting 1978's Ice Castles. And a-one and a-two..."
Afternoon Readers,

Just popping in to say, "Hi." Then again, I'm sure all of you are out doing exciting things like tobogganing and harvesting maple syrup from your own trees, right before you head back to make corn husk dolls and eat roasted chestnuts. Uncle Dan will read A Christmas Carol for everyone around the fire, while Aunt Susan acts it out behind him, dressed in historically accurate Dickensian clothing. Which will make the fact she'll later offer shots of liqueur to the dog, even more awkward.

But, I can only guess at your holiday traditions, so forgive me if I got one or two of these wrong.

Tomorrow, I'll surely be too far buried under mounds of snowflake paper and half-eaten Reeses Santas, to check in, so this is where I shall wish you the merriest of Christmases. I usually don't wax very eloquent, so I'll leave you with my favorite words of the season, head to the fridge for more Evan Williams eggnog, and see you, my dears, after Christmas.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Well, Lace My Boots: A Victorian Letter to Santa Claus

"I wish Paige would stop dressing like a servant. I mean, we get it. No need to be dramatic."

Afternoon Readers,

Four more days and not a present wrapped, except for the presents I ordered gift wrapping for, which was about half, until I actually counted what I bought, and it turns out only about a third are gift wrapped... possibly only a fourth.

Does whiskey in the paper bag count?

One-third, it is.

Today, I'm taking a break from worrying about whether plastic grocery bags can slip by as "upcycled" gift bags if I sponge any dried milk off, to bring you my letter to Santa. My lovely friend over at Snarkfest tagged me in her letter to Santa, so I thought I'd take a little time to send a few, last minute requests.

I haven't written a letter in a while, so I'm assuming it should be in regular, old, Victorian format. We're proper here on the blog. Just in case you tied your corset too tight and forgot.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Send It by Certifiable Mail

"Good wives who make it to the post office and back get a cheek pinch. Who's my girl?"

Afternoon Readers,

Only six more days to Christmas, and the spirit of the season is starting to creep up on me. I'm not saying it's OK to sneak up on me. It's not.  I startle easily, have no bladder control left, and only keep one extra pair of pants on standby. They're not even pants. They're tights. And the sight of me in just tights is enough to ruin Christmas for everyone.

"Merry Christmas, Paige. Wait she wearing sheer hosiery? On second thought, I'll just take my eggnog and go. Good day to you, mam. No, really. I think it'd be best for everyone if you didn't move." I'll show myself out."

I suspect Christmas spirit was what gifted me the courage to travel to the post office yesterday. Most people love being in a space the size of a shoebox, with only angry, tired people for company, but it's just never been my thing.

....I love stamps though. The stamps are what keep me coming back.

Monday, December 17, 2012

What is It?

"Well, it looks good, Susan. Just let me set down my tea cup, and we'll see if that "expired on" date meant business or not.

Afternoon Readers,

As a rule, I think the minute food turns purple, your culinary skills have probably taken a turn for the worse. Then again, if your culinary endeavors are already so sketchy your family sends a canary through the kitchen to make sure it's safe, purple food could be a sign of improvement.

Who knows?

What I do know is, when what stared at me from the Crock Pot began throwing out shades of plum, we were in trouble. Mainly because I wasn't cooking plums, and have never known how to cook a plum. And if I had, by some misfortune, been attempting to cook a plum, we all know it would've turned a sickly chartreuse.

The recipe seemed simple enough:

Friday, December 14, 2012

The White Elephant Kerfuffle ....and a giveaway!

Marsha daydreamed about what she'd get in the gift exchange. Would it be lint, or that box of mouse traps she'd always wanted?
Morning Readers,

Can you believe Christmas is only eleven days away? I can because I looked at the calendar and counted very carefully, using only my pointer finger and simple math.  But, besides printed numbers, the other thing that tipped me off to the upcoming holiday was the Christmas party Husband and I attended last Friday.

"They let you out?" You say.

"They did," says I.

Husband found a clean shirt. I grabbed a coat that buttoned. And we headed out for an evening of drinks, tiny cupcakes, and me gesticulating wildly at other adults. Honestly, I think people loved it. Who isn't positively smitten by someone who's obviously been in captivity for the last few months and just wants to show others how she matched her tights to her flats?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Crafting Isn't for Everyone come visit!

What, you love my Curtain Tie-back/Storage unit? I do too.
Morning Readers,

Just popping in to say I, along with scads

(Did she just say "scads"?)

of my blogger peeps, am over at Hollow Tree Ventures today, showing you some of the things you've never seen on Pinterest. Robyn's rounded up real things. Things that'll haunt you. Things that make real crafters say, "This is why we need licenses for glue guns."

So, head on over, and I'll see you back here tomorrow, for exciting tails of Christmas parties and White Elephant gifts...

Until Next Time, Readers!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Special Edition of Finding the Funny!

Finding the Funny Holiday Edition

Morning Readers!

It's a very special edition of Finding the Funny! Today I'm teaming up with My Life and Kids, Kelley's Break Room and 14 more bloggers to bring you a special Holiday edition of Finding the Funny!

How to Link Up

Link up as many posts as you want - old or new - as long as they're related to the holidays and will make us laugh! Your post will show up here and on 16 other blogs! It's easy to link up!
  • Click on the "Add Your Link" button at the bottom of the page.
  • URL: copy and paste the URL of your blog post (be sure to use the exact post URL).
  • Name: enter the TITLE of your blog post - this is what will appear below your post picture. (Limited to 30 characters)
  • Enter your email address (don't worry - this won't be shared.)
  • Click on NEXT and choose an image that will appear in the link up.
  • Stick around and read the other posts and get ready to laugh!

Meet the Bloggers....

Monday, December 10, 2012

Butch and Sundance Meet Santa Claus

"So, Sundance, what you're saying is, if I bring you that miniature power tools set, it's ok because it'll give your mom things to write about? Seems legit."
Morning Readers,

Sometimes I think there aren't enough peanut M&Ms to get anything done, and then I find a 14oz bag, keep it to myself, and think, "Yes, today I'll be accomplishing incredible things. Downright amazing things."

-Segue alert-

Speaking of accomplishments...

(Whoa, how'd she do that? Lead into that topic, without us seeing it was coming?)

That's what all the great writers do, my friends. But, as much as I appreciate your questions, today isn't about me. It's about everyone's favorite dynamic, cowboy-monikered due, Butch and Sundance.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Christmas Trees and Toddlers: A Guide

Harold the Christmas Tree chatted casually with Gilda the taffeta curtain, blissfully unaware he was about to be stripped naked and strangled with his own tinsel.

Morning Readers,

Those of you who came to see if I left any PopTarts alive after breakfast this morning can leave. They're gone. They didn't put up a fight. They were delicious, slathered in nothing but the hope that all the calories evaporated, before they engaged my ever-flagging metabolism in one of the saddest duels in all of mankind's history.

The PopTarts were all like, "On guard."

And my body was all, "Meh. I surrender"

The rest of you may stay and learn why you should never have a toddler and a Christmas tree. What? You insist on having both?

Ok. Let me go get the extra PopTart I hid from you, and let's get started....

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Digging Our Way to China

"Darling, the house is sinking."   ..."I know. I told you not to sit down on the couch too fast."

Ni Hao Readers,

I'm brushing up on my senior year, community college, "Intro to Chinese I" skills. Did I get an -A? Absolutely. Will it help when our house sinks through the ground and we have to beg someone to haul the Split-level out of their basement? No. I still don't know the exact phrasing for,

.."Sorry, we made a wrong turn, and have no idea how to patch drywall. Please accept the remaining Corn Nuts I didn't have a chance to eat before we landed on you. They're Ranch."

On Monday, the engineer showed up to inspect our abode. Right off the bat, I made him feel comfortable by letting the twins, clad only in diapers, lead him around the house, on a tour of sorts. If memory serves me correctly, I think I was the one originally leading the tour, but half-naked babies always seem to think they know what they're doing, and were quick to emphasis he was in their room and needed to watch them jump off something.

After thirty minutes of hemming and hawing in the kitchen while the more than patient man observed the Pottery-Barn-has-tea-with-Roman-Colosseum-Ruins-esque charm of the place, I received the full report:

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Two Ingredient Betty

"I made this cookie for you."    "It's a baseball, Marleen."   ... "And you wonder why I hate baking for you, Don."

Morning Readers,

I know why you're here. So enthralled were you by the Oreo Balls I told you how to make, on Friday, you're back for more fantabulous recipes. Anyone who's here to see whether our house has caved in yet, please come back on Wednesday.

Now then, December is the perfect time to share recipes. Not only is it festive and leaves you knee-deep in a thesaurus, trying to figure out what the heck a sugar plum is..

(and, sweet-Paula-Dean-In-a-Butter-churn, does anyone actually know?) also gives those of us who loathe baking, a new, but certainly false, hope that, we too, love to put cream cheese out to soften, separate whites from yolks, and the task of trying to convince a chocolate Yule log that it does, in fact, want to Yule with the other Yules.