Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Digging Our Way to China

"Darling, the house is sinking."   ..."I know. I told you not to sit down on the couch too fast."

Ni Hao Readers,

I'm brushing up on my senior year, community college, "Intro to Chinese I" skills. Did I get an -A? Absolutely. Will it help when our house sinks through the ground and we have to beg someone to haul the Split-level out of their basement? No. I still don't know the exact phrasing for,

.."Sorry, we made a wrong turn, and have no idea how to patch drywall. Please accept the remaining Corn Nuts I didn't have a chance to eat before we landed on you. They're Ranch."

On Monday, the engineer showed up to inspect our abode. Right off the bat, I made him feel comfortable by letting the twins, clad only in diapers, lead him around the house, on a tour of sorts. If memory serves me correctly, I think I was the one originally leading the tour, but half-naked babies always seem to think they know what they're doing, and were quick to emphasis he was in their room and needed to watch them jump off something.

After thirty minutes of hemming and hawing in the kitchen while the more than patient man observed the Pottery-Barn-has-tea-with-Roman-Colosseum-Ruins-esque charm of the place, I received the full report:

I crawled back out of the cabinet I'd been using to, hopefully, block the bad news. My serious face applied, I broached the subject first, "So we're condemning it?"

He smiled. "No."

"Well, that's a relief. We didn't have nearly enough money to sew this much ground with salt." I picked up the container. "See? Empty."

Spying Butch trying to crawl through his legs, the man stepped to the side.

"Sorry about that."

"Oh, no worries. I have twins boys."

"So you're also drunk? Kidding. Sometimes I make awkward jokes if I think others can relate to a particular type of stress that catches me winking at the Gin bottle around two in the afternoon. Which, as we all know, is a terrible time to pour a high ball and declare, "Everyone will now fend for themselves."

"The bad news is your garage is sinking into the ground."

"We'll go pack our things."

"The good news is it can be fixed."

"Excellent. Let me just go throw one of my kidneys on Craig's List."

The engineer described the necessary procedure with a lot of, "pin this up", "replace that", and, "make sure your checkbook is where you can find it." We'll be able to save the Split-level with a careful, three-step plan I've devised...

1.) Sell all the children (preferably to a mother who doesn't yell as much).
2.) Also try to patent and sell idea for hangover-less wine with matching, monogrammed glass.
3.) Spend part of my time acting as a support beam so I can cut the cost in half.

If you need me, I'll be brainstorming...

Until Next Time Readers!






28 comments:

  1. Community college? Don't lie, it was really Kilan. Thanks to Nick JR I am also trilingual, hola my name is Dora, Ni Hoa, Kilan...

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    1. Kilan blows my cover every time. Every time, I tell you!

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  2. Maybe you guys should put a Donate button on this blog (through Paypal) so some of your loyal readers can help you with those house repairs???

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    1. You are the sweetest, Colleen! It's ok, we'll figure something out. We may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else who may be able to give us a deal. I'm letting God field this one.

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  3. There is option 4. Light a match and walk away. You can move to Vermont. Lots of goats.

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    1. And I was just about to get excited about Vermont but ...Goats? Run awaaaay!

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  4. I got nothing. Hey it has been a long day so far of whining and crying from my kiddos and my brain might just be slightly fried, lol!! Colleen maybe onto something with the donate button, though :)

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    1. No worries, Janine. We still have to wait for solid estimates until we can run, screaming, down the street...:)

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  5. "Excellent. Let me just go throw one of my kidneys on Craig's List." How much can you get for one of those, anyway?

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    1. I hear it's like a buck fifty. Which means, I'll have to sell all of them. I assume I have several thousand kidneys? I never paid attention in biology.

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  6. Listen, I think the option of you acting as a part-time support beam is going to work out really well since you've got so much spare time. Get the twins to transcribe your blogging notes and it should work fine? Bonus arm muscles to boot? Sorry this stinks so much, Paige.

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    1. Ha! I should probably push for them to be reading by January, then? Sounds doable. Teach two two-year-olds to read, in a month? Done.

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  7. I <3 you. You crack me up every time I read your blog. Thanks for the smiles but sorry about the whole 'garage sinking in the ground and selling your kids/kidneys to fix it' thing.

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    1. As long as it's you cracking up and not my walls, I'm more than happy! ...:)

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  8. You can sell your eggs? I hear u can get thousands for them! :-)

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    1. That would mean there could be hundreds of insane bloggers who write passably and can't cook, running a muck out there. I just don't think I can do that to the world...lol.

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  9. ...and now I want some Ranch Corn Nuts. Bummer about the house. :(

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    1. Honestly, the thought of Ranch Corn Nuts is making me feel better about the house. Soooo gooood.

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  10. UGH! Will your homeowners insurance cover any of it???

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    1. Nah. It's happening because of age, and they never cover that type of thing. So says the former underwriter in me. If you've got a spare Hail Mary, feel free to send it up for this crazy show we're running over here..lol.

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  11. Oh my. A kidney on craigslist? If you're selling children you might as well sell some eggs ;)

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    1. Yes, but at least it'll be quiet while I hold the house up, if the children find a kinder, more beautiful mother.

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  12. Good grief! I was wondering how this was working out for you. Our driveway is sinking. I know. I know. It's not part of my HOUSE, but still. I hope you get to keep both of your kidneys! ;)

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    1. Driveway sinking is still a big headache. My neighbors just had to replace theirs, and it looked like a pain. The ground just shifts a lot here, so they told us it happens to houses like ours all the time ...ugh. Here's to hoping about the kidneys..;)

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  13. I think 2 in the afternoon is a perfectly acceptable time to high ball and "Everyone will now fend for themselves."!! Noon even!
    I will be sending good solution thoughts your way babe! <3 Devan

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    1. Thanks Devan! And I think you're right; As long as the kids get lunch first, noon should be ok..;)

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  14. If it helps, I have a largish collection of Popsicle sticks I've been saving. Those and some duct tape might be the solution, or at least a distraction from the clumps of plaster raining down around you.

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    1. Ok, I'm gonna fly you out here, and we'll make a weekend of drinking and trying to prop up the house. Now, go get packed!

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