Monday, December 3, 2012

The Two Ingredient Betty

"I made this cookie for you."    "It's a baseball, Marleen."   ... "And you wonder why I hate baking for you, Don."


Morning Readers,

I know why you're here. So enthralled were you by the Oreo Balls I told you how to make, on Friday, you're back for more fantabulous recipes. Anyone who's here to see whether our house has caved in yet, please come back on Wednesday.

Now then, December is the perfect time to share recipes. Not only is it festive and leaves you knee-deep in a thesaurus, trying to figure out what the heck a sugar plum is..

(and, sweet-Paula-Dean-In-a-Butter-churn, does anyone actually know?)

...it also gives those of us who loathe baking, a new, but certainly false, hope that, we too, love to put cream cheese out to soften, separate whites from yolks, and the task of trying to convince a chocolate Yule log that it does, in fact, want to Yule with the other Yules.

Yesterday was December first. Which makes today the second, tomorrow the third, and so on. But, that's not the point. The point is, I woke up, pulled the rat's next of hair out of my eyes, and decided, while I'd still make something this year, I'd start the holiday season by accepting that I am a Two Ingredient Betty.

noun
1. A person the exact opposite of Betty Crocker, who would prefer all recipes had two or less ingredients.
2. One who can't stand baking and won't hesitate to insult all types of food:

i.e. They knew she was a Two Ingredient Betty, when the crowd observed the woman shouting at the produce, "Look at that Yam walking around like it owns the place. Shut your face, Yam."

This, year, while I shake the pre-cut sugar cookies out onto the pan, and tear the sticker that says, "Baked on 12/21/12 by the Piggla Wiggla" off the bottom of the plastic pie tin, I shall do so, knowing I don't have to make up for the state of my Peppermint Divinity, by telling everyone it "sinned before it got to the party, so it probably tastes off. Also, I forgot to buy peppermint."

I can proudly say, "I'm a Two Ingredient Betty, and here are the cheese balls I made out of cheese and nothing else ...possibly a couple drops of wine that got away from me. May they rest in peace."

So, in the spirit of all the Two Ingredient Bettys out there, I shall now kick off this month's worth of special recipes with something I've made, succesfully, three times now:

Paige's Two Ingredient Cookies

You will need: Spice cake mix, holiday spirit, holiday spirits, a new baby, close-fitting yoga pants or an acceptable tight that won't ride up when you make jerky movements, a timer, a voice that carries across long distances, spoon, a bigger spoon, two other children working against you, and a can of pureed pumpkin.

1.) Heat the oven to 350.

2.)Pour cake mix into bowl. You must do this while holding your new baby because he doesn't enjoy being put down. If you happen to drop the baby in the cake mix, don't panic. Pull him out, dust him off, and keep going.

3.) Sprint through the house, looking for the other children. It's far too quiet. The baby may be powdered like bunt cake, but that's nothing compared to the other two who've found your underwear and are displaying it for the neighbors, through the window without a curtain.

4.) Knees to chest, sprint downstairs and find the can opener that doesn't work. Like a cave woman, beat that can within an inch of its life. Coax the pumpkin out of the can like the elusive Bengal tiger it is. Plop that mess in the bowl.

5.) Try to mix everything with a spoon used to serve cereal to mice. Switch to alternate spoon, which, though slotted and not appropriate for the task, brings some dignity to your adult-sized hands.

6.) Scream death threats up the stairs while executing the "one for the baking sheet, one for my mouth" technique of spooning the dough out for baking. Un-knotch your yoga pants by one.

7.) Place in oven and bake for ten to eleven minutes.

8.) Relocate children while cookies bake. You find them and realize you never liked any of the stuff they've just broken anyway. Who needs things that make you look pretty? I mean, honestly.

9.) Remove cookies from oven. Don't let cool. Eat all of them. Wash down with holiday spirits.

10.) There is no step ten. You are now beached on the floor, covered in half-eaten cookies and Schnapps. It's only a matter of time before the children find you and ask where the cookies are.

They will now commence whacking you with the slotted spoon.

Until Next Time, Readers!



28 comments:

  1. beached on the floooooooooor! Yes, that is how all my baking escapades end. I make a mean plate of nachos though, to which I pin all my culinary hopes and dreams...

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  2. Nachos, my go-to dinner. Jenny, we are, truly, kindred spirits.

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  3. I just fancy up mixes by using milk instead of water and adding an extra egg...but I'm wondering if I could just use tequila instead of milk...

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    1. I hear Tequila improves most recipes, tenfold. There's a good chance, you won't remember what you baked, but, if you do remember you made cookies, be sure to eat all of them.

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    2. Teqqquila inprvoes evvrythnnng--I justtt trieed smmoe in my morrnning coffeee!

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    3. LOL... it's sure to be an interesting afternoon for you, my dear, Fishducky. Make sure to report back!

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  4. Replies
    1. Honestly? They're ridiculously addictive, especially if you add cream cheese icing. I probably need to lay off them for a bit.

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  5. I'd love to try your recipe but unfortunately I don't have a baby to hold so I'm doomed right at step 2. I do, however, have 2 teenagers who I wish I had never taught the English language to. Oh, and I bake to relieve stress!

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    1. I think teenagers make a nice substitute. I have teenage sisters still, and I know they slow my mom's baking time down considerably.

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  6. Wow, I seriously love this and you are talking my language with only two ingredients and not whole hell of a lot of prep time. Was going to ask if they taste good, but saw your comment above about just adding cream cheese icing (and now you have me dreaming of eating this icing, too!). But seriously you are a genius, lol :) :)

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    1. Thanks, Janine! And, seriously, if you do make them, they're delicious when covered in cream cheese icing. It also helps to save some of the icing and eat it at 2am, in the dark.

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  7. Well I was going to comment on how my kids are older but I can still try to hold my 5'9" 15 year old on my hip while I mix the cookies with the baby spoon, but the "How to get rid of man boobs" has caught my attention (oooooh shiny) so I'm going to go read that one!!! I'll be back for cookies later!

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    1. Haha, Spam is getting more and more clever. Even I had to click on that. Like I was telling Karen, though, I think teenagers are an ok substitute for the precise amount of stress needed to finish this recipe.

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  8. Still working on those Oreo Balls. They're frozen. Haven't gotten up the gumption to melt the chocolate and dip them. Will try this recipe next. Will it still work if the kids are teens?

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    1. The sooner you dip those Oreo Balls, the sooner you can eat them all by yourself without sharing. I think this group will still be able to make some great tasting cookies with all the stress teenagers are happy to lend.

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  9. Yup, I have a baby, yup, 2 other kids 6 and 3, I made Hot coco mix cupcakes yesterday-out of a box, and by the third step I wanted to cry because I was so tired of hearing are they done? when are they done? The kids were super excited because the last time I made anything resembling a baked good was like 3 months ago...

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    1. I almost added the optional step of banging you head off the counter until you pass out, but then there'd be no one to watch the children, and I'd probably be held responsible for mothers knocking themselves out everywhere. Whenever I bake, the kids look at me like I'm making paper mache elephants while standing on my head. Extreme confusion.

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  10. I appreciate the simplicity of it all. :) Ellen

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    1. I think that's what I see in it too. Pure relaxation.

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  11. I have some of these in the oven right now. . . . Oh, there's the timer. *breaks out the rum*

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    1. I love that you've made both my recipes this year. You're a fantastic human being...:)

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  12. Paige Kellerman, you are fucking hysterical! OMG, I have tears streaming down my face! When I get to my bloggy dashboard thingy I go straight to you first (then Robyn)! (I have had sick kids so I am in catch up mode right now). I love this so hard! I will come back to read it again tomorrow....maybe even later today. :) Thank you for making me laugh! Devan

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    1. What an awesome compliment, Thank you! I know Robyn would be flattered too. As long as you laughed, my job is done here...:)

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  13. I can bake better than your elderly Grandmother but I can't make nachos for my life. Someone teach me! Also, I don't have a baby, only the other two children. What can I sub for the baby? Maybe a lubed up blind octopus??

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    1. See, and I can make some fantastic nachos! Perhaps a person is only gifted with one of these abilities. I should put together a nacho tutorial for winter.

      And yes, a blind, lubed up octopus would actually be able to mimic the necessary flailing you need to make this recipe properly. Great suggestion!

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