Friday, December 21, 2012

Well, Lace My Boots: A Victorian Letter to Santa Claus

"I wish Paige would stop dressing like a servant. I mean, we get it. No need to be dramatic."

Afternoon Readers,

Four more days and not a present wrapped, except for the presents I ordered gift wrapping for, which was about half, until I actually counted what I bought, and it turns out only about a third are gift wrapped... possibly only a fourth.

Does whiskey in the paper bag count?

One-third, it is.

Today, I'm taking a break from worrying about whether plastic grocery bags can slip by as "upcycled" gift bags if I sponge any dried milk off, to bring you my letter to Santa. My lovely friend over at Snarkfest tagged me in her letter to Santa, so I thought I'd take a little time to send a few, last minute requests.

I haven't written a letter in a while, so I'm assuming it should be in regular, old, Victorian format. We're proper here on the blog. Just in case you tied your corset too tight and forgot.

December 21, 2012

My Dear Mr. Claus,

     I hope this letter finds you in good health and satisfied disposition. No doubt, you know the manor of this correspondence, as you've be inundated with such requests all year. Admittedly, I believe my yoga pants feel the same way, having been asked to support my left saddle bag for an entire year.

     Though tremendous and brash, I ask only for five additional gifts this year. I am sure this seems forward as my family and loved ones were spared the influenza during November, but, I can only call to mind the plaque above the door to my finishing school, when I quote, "Mama needs stuff too."

     Pardon my brevity, but the children have begun to scale the drapery, and any money designated to replacing the decor was spent, long ago, on new wheels for the carriage and booze.

     Firstly, I ask only for new candles. Though we have decided to install electricity, Yankee Candle has delectable scents this year, and "Baking Apple Pie" tends to cover up the scent wafting in from the outhouse.

     To call another cause regarding the outhouse, please gift us with some new Calvin and Hobbes, as the former has become somewhat mundane while attending to Nature's mighty call. Paper dolls are always a fine diversion, but I find that trying to use scissors while on the John, makes it more dangerous than is necessary.

     Thirdly, the favour of your assistance is requested when you arrive with both the candles and the requested literature. Please do all dishes and dispose of any spare beer bottles left over after my Love and I finish trying to assemble various gifts with small parts.

     We are happy to remit cookies for your convenience, but only if you do us the great honor of restocking the liquor and cleaning the alligator-shaped and I Heart New York shot glasses, respectively.

     Lastly, your kind consideration is requested in regards to my lovely Readers. Please make sure each and everyone receives a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and the required amount of Petit Fours and chilled champagne to get through all of it.

With Best Respects to You, Your Lady, and Elves,

Your almost-respectable and not-well-known-at-all blogger friend,

Paige Kellerman


Until Next Time, Readers!




8 comments:

  1. Fabulous, as always! Your list was far simpler than mine...my early years of college body back, all of my children potty trained, a good nights sleep EVERY night...

    I'll settle for the jeans and socks i know I will be getting...

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  2. Hmmm world peace vs. dishes being done. I think that's a no brainer!

    Excellent letter my dear Paige!!

    Very truly yours,
    Teri

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  3. I can picture Santa reading this & laughing his fat red pants off!!

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  4. Awesome, but then again I wouldn't expect anything less!!! Merry Christmas to you, too!!

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  5. If you really want to outdo yourself, add one of those pre-fab bows (you know, with the sticky squares on the back), and stick it on the brown paper bag holding the whiskey. More than passes for gift-wrapped.

    Merry Christmas! May you awaken to new pooper reading material and a dirty-dish free kitchen.

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  6. Boy, this takes me back! Okay, no it doesn't (I'm not quite THAT old) but we should totally bring back phrases like "satisfied disposition." Awesome.

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