Monday, December 17, 2012

What is It?

"Well, it looks good, Susan. Just let me set down my tea cup, and we'll see if that "expired on" date meant business or not.

Afternoon Readers,

As a rule, I think the minute food turns purple, your culinary skills have probably taken a turn for the worse. Then again, if your culinary endeavors are already so sketchy your family sends a canary through the kitchen to make sure it's safe, purple food could be a sign of improvement.

Who knows?

What I do know is, when what stared at me from the Crock Pot began throwing out shades of plum, we were in trouble. Mainly because I wasn't cooking plums, and have never known how to cook a plum. And if I had, by some misfortune, been attempting to cook a plum, we all know it would've turned a sickly chartreuse.

The recipe seemed simple enough:

a.) Add ingredients to Crock Pot
b.) Turn on Crock Pot
c.) Yell at children to stop fighting while Crock Pot did its thing.
d.) Eat what resulted from Crock Pot, five hours later.

Husband loved it.

"What is it?"

I smiled. "Umm, I don't remember what the recipe was called."

"You don't?"

"No. But don't let the fact it turned purple scare you. Lots of food is purple. Like Jell-o ...and colored sand."

"And you don't know why it's purple?"

I poked at my creation, with a spoon. "Referencing what I've mentally filed away from many years of Murder She Wrote, I'd say it was either poisoned, or I didn't drain the black beans. I don't like to jump on foul play right away. If I've learned anything from Jessica Fletcher, it's to make some tea and really think it over first. Possibly take a bike ride."

I could tell he was excited to try it.

"OK, fix me a plate. A very small plate."

"Don't you want a big one?"

"Oh, I think a small one will be fine."

"But a larger dish will let you revel in how delicious it may or may not be.

"A small one."

As fork clanked against plate in the other room, I waited for the inevitable. Husband came back in the kitchen and turned his face toward the cabinet. My hand found his shoulder, gently. "How was it?"

"It was ....good."

"You're lying."

"It was ok."

"You're lying."

Fascinated, I watched the back of his head and tried to figure out if he was laughing or crying. I'd served the man purple food, so it really could've gone either way. 

He was laughing.

And, just like that, I realized I could mess up a Crock Pot recipe. He assured me it was probably just a bad recipe. I told him he needed to stop encouraging my cooking and turn my strengths towards memorizing all the surrounding restaurant's phone numbers.

"Just think, you could sell me to a circus side show, and I could be all like, "Pizza Shack, nine-one -three-eight-eight-eight-seven-two-seven two!"

Tonight, I play to my skills and proudly throw that Philly Cheese Steak pizza at the oven ...er...I mean "in" the oven. Because that's where it goes, naturally.

 ---

P.S. If you do nothing else today, try and remember to offer a little thought and a prayer for the souls in Connecticut.

“He is a [sane] man who can have tragedy in his heart and comedy in his head.”

- GK Chesterton


 Until Next Time, Readers!








20 comments:

  1. I know someone who actually makes a chocolate cake in a crock pot. Mind. Blown.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What??? I must hunt this down on Pinterest and then create my own, inedible version. Thanks for the tip-off, Abby.

      Delete
  2. I was so trying to figure out what you could have been trying to cook in the crock pot that indeed turned purple, but seriously thanks for sharing this. After the morning I had this was a welcome diversion, lol!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it was supposed to be some sort of chicken, black bean, cream cheese concoction, but I didn't drain the black beans, added too much water, too much cream cheese, and even then, I'm not totally sure where it went wrong. It tasted ...decent. LOL

      Delete
  3. I think if you can muck up a crock pot recipe then you have no alternative than to be excused from all cooking duties for life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I just need to forward this to Husband. Hold on.

      Delete
  4. I actually wrote this in crayon before typing it--I am not allowed to use sharp objects. You, obviously, should NOT be allowed in the kitchen!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tend to just smack ingredients with a spoon, so we're in somewhat of the same boat...:)

      Delete
  5. I think that no one should be allowed to be as cute as you AND cook well. So, to me, this seems like the universe keeping things balanced.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And Monday's "Favorite Person in the Universe" award goes to *dramatic pause* ...Bad Parenting Moments!

      Delete
  6. I already love you, and then you quote Chesterton. Be still my heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's a reliable source for all things applicable to all things.

      Delete
  7. Was it purply-black? My husband made Clam Chowder our crock o' pot and he substituted red onions for the white ones the recipe called for. They turned bitter and black. It was horrific. Down the garbage disposal it went.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was more of a light purple, somewhat reminiscent of grape Laffy Taffy. It didn't taste anything like candy, my final hope.

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. Yes. And they growled at me when I opened the fridge just now.

      Delete
  9. I tried to do some Crock Pot cooking once only to find out later that a bowl covered in tin foil underneath a desk lamp is not a Crock Pot. Worst garlic chicken ever.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have never made purple crock pot food. But then, I don't own a crock pot.

    (Actually, I do, but I really wanted to make that joke. Not too shabby, eh?)

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is so funny! I made purple chicken marsalla once. (didn't know shit about wine so I thought red wine would be fiiiiiine!) It tasted good but it was so hard getting over the visual. Now I know lots about wine.
    I love that quote! I am going to write and post it above my screen. I am having a hard time figuring out how I am supposed to feel...that helps me.
    Devan

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've messed up a lot of food - I mean a LOT - but I don't know if I've ever turned anything purple before. You're my culinary idol!

    ReplyDelete