Monday, January 30, 2012

Before We Start This Pregnancy Together: A Survival Kit

Afternoon Readers,

     I'd like to start by thanking each and every one of you for all the kind and wonderful words received after last Friday's announcement. Is this blog about to get a little crazier? I won't lie to you...yes. Until the tentative date of September 9th, your hostess is going to get bigger, slower and do a great more staring absently at strangers because she can't remember how she ended up barefoot and wandering through parking lots, due to pregnancy brain. So, before we start this long journey together, I've prepared a survival kit for each of you...

Friday, January 27, 2012

Letter From The Editor: I Apologize

Afternoon Readers,

     I apologize if I haven't been visiting blogs, commenting, responding to comments, or sending out Tweets that make you nudge your neighbor and say, "Hey, Barb...we gotta send this to everyone we know. The woman's a comedic genius." But there's a reason for my absence in social media, and it's been the reason I've needed eighty naps a day.

In case you're wondering, we've settled on either Annie Oakley or Doc Holiday...depending on who shows up...

Until Next Time, Readers!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

An Interview With Dinner

That's right. I pulled out my good alligator to do this interview...
Morning Readers,

     A couple days ago, after I mentioned the hassle of making three meals a day, a few of you echoed my sentiment. Soon after, I observed another mother, on Facebook, lamenting the fact dinner has to be made every evening, and it got me thinking, "Why every evening?" So, at precisely 3pm, yesterday afternoon, I put my foot down, my head against the refrigerator, and declared that I would no longer be making dinner. The twins were too busy taking the living room apart to hear me or the knock on the door. In my desperation to see another adult, I ran to the door, flung it open, and, to my surprise, there stood Dinner himself. Huh.

He so graciously agreed to an interview, on the spot...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Letter From The Editor: Duty Calls and A Column

Afternoon Readers,

     I wish I had something more exciting for you, today, but the fact of the matter is the children keep going on about how they need to be fed three times, today. Can you believe the audacity? Three times?? Then it's "change my diaper" this, and "get me dressed in clean clothes", that. I try and tell them, "I just put you in clean clothes, on Sunday," but they insist it's what everyone's doing these days. Note to self: teach these kids not to follow what the popular kids are doing.

     I tell you, it's the height of rudeness. Do they not know I'd rather be fanning myself, eating chocolates, and rolling to the computer to work on my book? Good thing they're so cute. At any rate, today got the best of me, so I must leave you with the article I got published on Sunday. Some of you were very kind and already read it, so thank you for bearing with my boringness on this fine Tuesday. The rest of you may click here.
I shall see you all back here on Thursday...that is, if these kids forget about the idea of breakfast, lunch and dinner..sheesh.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Wind Him Up and Let Him Go

Morning Readers,

     The number one complaint I hear from other wives (when we happen to burrow under the fence and slip into public) seems to run along the lines of, "I love my husband, but I can't get him to fix a thing around the house." Now, some woman married Bob Vila and lived happily ever after, but the rest of us spend our days slipping notes under the door:

  • "Hi, honey. The bathroom flooded, three weeks ago. Just wanted to remind you. I'm going to go swim in and flat iron my hair, now."
  • "Hey there, sweetie. I know you said you saw the front door fell off, but this is the second, consecutive Saturday I've found a homeless man on the couch."
  • "Salutations, it's me again. I realize you're the expert, but I think letting the kids sleep in their room with no windows may be a bit dangerous. We talked  about this last year, but this is the eighth time the neighbors have brought the kids back."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Take My Ham and Walk With Me

Morning Readers,
     If I've learned anything from becoming a housewife, it's how to make do. Case in point, Husband's adoring my homemade toilet paper, and the babies love the playful rustle of the paper bag onesies I hot glue-gunned together in my free time. So, when the grocery money ran low, this week, Husband and I turned to the vacuum-sealed ham in the fridge. This particular ham was a gift, and quite large. After it was baked and carefully lathered with glaze (yes, that's possible), we set upon it like supermodels on the last cotton ball dipped in orange juice. The only problem is there's so much of the darn thing, I've had to come up with ways to use it up.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Naptime: And Other Tips From The Captain's Log

Afternoon Readers,

     Never trust a baby. They'll tell you anything you want to hear. In the past, I could plop the twins in their cribs, skip out, and enjoy a nice, long nap time. But, ever since Butch figured out how to get out of his crib, things have been complicated. Both detainees are now under constant watch, on (what they consider to be trumped-up) charges of mutiny. Through my nap time journeys, I've been able to gather enough in my log to share some survival tips, in the instance you find yourself keeping watch over scurvy babies. May I now present a few choice entries from my Captain's Log....

Monday, January 16, 2012

Take One and Pass It On: Ten More Things You Weren't Sure You Wanted To Know About Me

Morning Readers,
     On Friday, I mentioned the lovely Jennifer Eaton had bestowed the "Kreativ Blogger" award on myself because I fooled her into thinking I was, in fact, kreativ. I thought about bursting the old bubble, and sending her some pictures of the macaroni mosaic I did last week in kindergarten, but thought better of it, due to her great kindness. The requirements of accepting the award are quite simple. I must pass it on to six bloggers who have visually catching blogs, and then blurt out ten facts about myself. Let's get the painful part out of the way, shall we?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Fanmail Friday and Some Awards

Afternoon Readers,
    
     Initially, I wasn't going to do a Fanmail Friday, today, but after peaking into the bag of mail that is the random search terms leading to this very blog, I found a couple of your questions which need to be addressed, no waiting. So, before we do anything else...

1.) "Weave own underpants"

     I'm glad you came to me first. The best advice I can give you is "don't". Trust me, I've spent many a night, laying awake and wondering, "Do I make new underpants or buy some?" Three failed attempts and one broken loom later, I can, again, confidently say, just don't.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Gin Under My Pillow: A Mom's Guide To Writing a Book

Morning Readers,
     I'll let you in on a little secret....I write. Well, I know you know I know that you know I write a blog, but I also assumed you thought I only blogged and possibly worked on graffiti, when the mood struck me.  Several months ago, I started my first book of humor. Day one went pretty well, with many paragraphs churned out. Day two...a few more sentences. Day three, the babies slapped my computer shut and demanded I mother them instead of writing about it. "But this is more fun!" I protested. They weren't having any of it. So, today, I thought I'd explain why a mom/writer gives you a blank stare and backs away when you ask..."How's the book coming along?"

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Letter From The Editor: Guest Posting At Crazy World

"Hey Melynda, I'm here to tear this blog up..."
Morning Readers,

     I'm sorry I'm not home, but it's because I had to go visit my good friend Melynda over at Crazy World. If you don't know her, you simply must drop the toy dachshund you're brushing and come on over to say hi. She was just brave enough to let me guest post. Heaven help her....

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Help Wanted: Translator Needed

"What's that, Jan? You just keep saying, "Elmo, Elmo, Elmo," over and over again."
Morning Readers,

     I took ample time, over the weekend, to really think through what I'm typing today. Normally, I'd just let it all spill out like when I open packages of gummy bears, with my teeth, but a frightening fact, which begs my closest attention, was brought to light, several days ago. Unfortunately, my Translator is broken. Located somewhere between the left temporal lobe and the patience gland, the Translator makes it possible for every mother to switch from "baby speak" to "adult speak", with relative ease. I can't emphasize enough how terrifying it is to know mine's on the fritz....

Friday, January 6, 2012

Fashion Show..sort of

Afternoon Readers,

     I apologize I don't have a story today, but, you see, I spent my morning with one of my most fantastic friends. Jeni Friend is wonderful, not only because she's a world-class photographer, but because she braves the mall with me, Butch and Sundance, cleans up our messes when we spill soda all over the middle of the mall, and retrieves sock-monkey hats when I've all but written them out of existance.

In short, she's awesome. The twins, myself, and the sock-monkey hat are all dually grateful....

     Above, is one of the beautiful author pics she's graciously done for me. As you can see, she didn't have much of a subject to work with, but her artistry knows no bounds, and for that..I'm, again, grateful. If you'll notice, I've added an About Yours Truly page. If you click the tab, you'll be transported to more of her super work. These are only some of the photos she took. I just might post the rest on my FB page, later. If I get all brave and crazy...

I'll see you all back here on Monday..:)

Until Next Time, Readers!

For those of you who'd like to check out more of her fabulous photography, please visit her at Jeni Friend Photography.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Night of Romance and Excitement

Susan couldn't help thinking, if she had a nickle for every time Frank fell asleep with a lit cigarette...
Morning Readers,

     As you know, Husband and I don't get out very much. Well, he goes to work, and I stay home, Googling what people look like - And I must say, you all are extremely thin and attractive. But where is this Gap place  you all hang out at?- However, when New Year's Eve rolled around, Heaven smiled, Grandpa took the babies, and Husband and I were free to plot our whole twenty-four hours of free time. We started by powwowing in the living room...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Where High Meets Waisted...

 Morning Readers,
    
     Today, it's time to talk about pants. I know what you're thinking, "But, Paige, I didn't wear pants today, how can I participate?" No worries. Grab that fax sheet, cover yourself, and we shall begin, because this concerns the serious topic of high-wasted slacks.... I've heard them called many things: mom-jeans, pancake-booty-causer, Bermuda Triangle Back-End, etc. But, these pants have sneaked back into our hearts and our closets. I own two pair. I throw birthday parties for both of them. I may or may not make Husband sleep on the couch so the pants can have the left side of the bed, on Wednesday nights....

Monday, January 2, 2012

Letter From The Editor: I'm Being Interviewed Today...Come Visit

Morning Readers,

     Today I'm being interviewed by my wonderful friend, David Kirk, author of the book Particular Stones, over at his blog. Hop on over and say hello...:) My bright, shining face will be back here tomorrow.

Until Next Time, Readers!