Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A Fishy Obituary

Afternoon Readers,

     And now, a moment of silence...
Picture of the deceased if he'd been made by anyone else
Easy Tuna Noodle Casserole- Friend and Main Course

      Last week, Tuna Noodle Casserole passed away at the age of 24 hours, due to complications with the crock pot. Although in seemingly good health as he entered the vessel, four hours on "'high", instead of seven on "low" caused the usually robust recipe to burn and wither like George Hamlin chained inside a tanning bed. Experts on Pintrest and Google suggest this tragic death could've been avoided if the cook had ordered out for pizza or never been born.

     Before the accident, "Noodle", as he was known down at the local VFW, enjoyed sitting as separate ingredients, waiting until the day he made something of himself, and nice highball of Old Crow on the rocks. Here's what some of those who knew him are saying..

Monday, February 27, 2012

A Writer's Worst Fear....Or How To Be Awkward With Ease

 Morning Readers,

     There's a moment of truth in every writer's life that usually makes its presence known with the question....

"So, what is it you do, again?"

     The writer who's just gotten her feet wet will dodge this question, and answer in the following fashion. "Umm..I..uh...I clean grills..on cars..I mean...on rappers...er...I scrub the underbelly of the star dolphin at Sea World. What I meant to say is I do anything except write. That would be...silly."

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Letter of Admiration To Sour Cream

"Thou makest my chips even more  extreme..."

Afternoon Readers,

     In case you missed the memo, yesterday kicked-off Lent, and a clean slate for anyone making the attempt to give something up for forty days. I'd like to say pregnant women and Lent mix really well, but it's extremely hard to ask someone who's expanding by leaps and bounds, to pick something to give up that they may or may not die without eating at 1am. In a blitz of bravery and stoicism, I targeted candy and pulled the trigger. That's right, me, candy, no eat. Sour Patch Kids all over the world just hugged their families and started weeping uncontrollably. Because of the new resolution, I've turned to my old confidant, Sour Cream, to be my solace. Today, I write to my dear friend...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

May I Have The Envelope, Please?

Husband and I, after winning "Most Tired In A Comedy or Drama"...
Afternoon Readers,

     If you're anything like me (which, I suspect you are because I keep running into your lovely faces around here), the upcoming Academy Awards just won't do it for you. Frankly, my interest peaked after the Titanic craze, but we can't pay Kate and Leo to rent a paddle boat and reenact it every year, can we?....we could? Hmm..I'll make some calls. At any rate, this year, I decided to hold an awards ceremony for your favorite cast of characters here at There's More Where That Came From. It's an honor for me to present the winners of this year's Kellerman Award...

*Begin by inserting your favorite friendly banter intro from this year's most recognizable twenty-something stars. As in:

Monday, February 20, 2012

Countdown to Disappointment

Madonna...ranked #1 for wearing deodorant."
 Afternoon Readers,

     There are few things that truly excite me, these days. It's been a rough twenty years since I found out there wasn't a Santa Clause, so I'm constantly in pursuit of something that makes me sit up and say, "Hot damn, that's exciting....but why'd you only buy four instead of five bags of Doritos?" Saturday night brought with it a new "Greatest Of" countdown, from the ever-realiable-to-not-ever-play-videos VH1. I love these dumb countdown so much, I blocked out an entire week of college to find out what I liked in the 90's.

I knew what I liked, but they made me doubt it...they're that good.

So, when I saw there was another one on, I camped out, made Husband camp out with me, and the following situation was born....

Friday, February 17, 2012

Fanmail Friday: Teething Biscuits and Acid

"Another Friday, another excuse to wear my special hat."
Afternoon Readers,

     I want to start by thanking everyone for all the fantastic advice I received about toddler plane travel, yesterday. From what I can deduce, the general concensus rests at: sedate, fruit snacks, pretend they belong to the family in front of you. The good news is we won't be going for a little while, so I've got plenty of time to make them both shirts that say, "I'm with that family over there"...pink and blue, respectively. But, enough delay; You all were busily sending me your queries, via search engine, all week, and it's time to answer your burning questions.

Please Note: If there's still burning, after an answer is received, please see your doctor...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Come Fly With Me

"Now that the babies are safely in the cargo hold, we can blow this joint..."
 Afternoon Readers,

     I won't wax too prolific today, as I'm in a serious debate with myself, and I'll need your help, suggestions and advice. You see, Husband and I have been presented with the opportunity to go on a mini vacation. Although we'd prefer to ship the children ahead, via Fed Ex, we're inclined, instead, to take them on a plane with us.

     It sounds all well and good, but I'm having rather vivid daymares about children clubbing us to death, running over the stewardess, with the drink cart, taking over the plane, and demanding we fly to a country made of cookies and "ju". Hmm....

    So, today, I'm sampling everyone for some quick advice, before I make this most drastic decision. Plane with almost-two-year-olds..yay..or nay? Also, if anyone has any advice on how to make that trip smoother, when I inevitably say yes, so that I can escape the house for a bit, it's more than welcome.

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting Fanmail Friday... ok, maybe not exciting, but there'll be words typed out and stuff.


Until Next Time, Readers!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Thanks For the Toilet Seat, Valentine...

Afternoon Readers,

     In case you're wondering, no, I still have yet to receive the eight pound box of chocolates I'm eagerly anticipating. No cards, no flowers, (one very sweet text, but it wasn't in paper form, so it doesn't count for shallow, commercial appeal), but I'm still riding a pretty good Valentine's Day high. How can I not, when the bathroom experience I had was so wonderful? You see, dear Readers, Husband went above flowers and cupid, after...

Monday, February 13, 2012

Someone Thinks I'm Sweet

Afternoon Readers,

     Just in time for Valentine's Day, I've received a wonderful gift. It's not the 8 lb box of Russel Stover chocolates I've been hoping for, but Husband still has twenty-four hours to make that dream a fat, fat reality. For the time being, I'll keep working on this bag of milk chocolate almond Hershey Kisses, and announce that Susan over at the wonderful blog, I Think; Therefore, I Yam, has decided I'm sweet, or blog sweetly, or has overlooked my every-other-day grumpiness and rewarded me for getting out of bed on a daily basis. Thank you, Susan!

     As per usual, however, I'm required to relate seven facts and pass it on. I'm feeling quite rotund and compliant, so I shall rotundly comply. Let's see...

Friday, February 10, 2012

I Like It Piping Cold...

"Mmm...kids, this tastes like ice. Just the way I like it."
Afternoon Readers,

     I just finished experiencing something I haven't in a great while; the chicken soup I just drank out of a questionable-looking Tupperware bowl was hot....I mean really, really hot....steamy...red pepper flakes...eyes melted from sockets hot. I believe it's been almost two years since I've had an honest-to-goodness warm meal, which happens to coincide with the birth of the twins. Coincidence? Fate? Chubby fingers waiving for more chicken nuggets and canned corn?...Something is indeed frozen in the state of Denmark.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Shiny Objects

"Oh, Beverly, I've seen this one. You know the one with the sheep in the dead tree?"
 Afternoon Readers,

     I can already feel my brain power lagging just a smidge. Because of this, it's been extremely easy to get distracted by anything sparkly, or has colors, or is a a thing in general, like a wall. Our walls need work. At any rate, this is the perfect state of mind for me to lose myself in absurd things I don't indulge in, on a regular basis. That's is how I got sucked in to peeking over Husband's shoulder.

     I breathed in his ear. "Whatcha doing there, studly?"

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Husband's Great Offense

Afternoon Readers,

     Before I got married, I should've sized Husband up better. All I kept thinking was, "Oh, he's soooo good looking. Has everyone seen how good looking he is?" I'd walk up to people on the street, shove a picture of him, in their face and yell, "Have you seen who I'm marrying? Isn't he gorgeous? Hey, gimme that picture back, homeless lady!..and I'll buy one of those bananas." But, you see, Readers, I was fooled into thinking he was sweet. And if a certain someone is reading this, a certain someone should be advised I may eat his dinner, before he gets home. Mmmm...second dinner.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Well That's Just Super....

Every year, Terry celebrated the Superbowl by working on his Jazz Hands...

Afternoon Readers,

     Welp, yesterday was the Superbowl, and, like a true woman trying to grow another human being, I showed up to eat my weight in what was available. (If you ask nicely, I'll let you have the other sandwich I hid in my bra. The whole situations starting to itch.) Besides eating, I picked up some new football knowledge I was completely unaware of. As some have informed me, I might've been watching a completely different game, but that's neither here nor there. Let's start with the commercials...

Friday, February 3, 2012

Fanmail Friday: Barefoot and Sockless

Most of these are bills...but I found a few from you guys..
Morning Readers,

     I'd like to thank you for being patient with me, this week. The nausea got the better of me, so getting three posts, instead of four, to you is something I feel terrible about. Then again, is that narcissistic? "I really need get something fresh out, everyday, because people will die if they don't drink in every single word I type." Oh goodness, I didn't even think about that. I can't take a show of hands, but leave a comment to let me know you didn't die on Thursday, from not having a fresh post. Now I'm worried again....

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Overcrowding

"Smell it, Carl. Would you guess that was the ham we baked back in 01'?"
Morning Readers,

     Since becoming a housewife, I've been astounded, time and time again, at how many hidden talents my new calling has brought forth. For example, I can change a roll of toilet paper before the last one's hit the trash can, and have developed an itching behind my right knee that tells me when one of the kids is playing in the diaper pail. More importantly, I've become a collector of sorts: movie stubs, weekend mailers for a free bikini wax, used dryer sheets. But there's no collection I'm more proud of than my collection of condiments.