Thursday, March 29, 2012

Join Team Ugly: A Letter To Megan Fox

"Sometimes my arm gets stuck like this. And it hurts real bad."
Afternoon Readers,

     You all know I'm no stranger to celebrity gossip. I eat it up with a celebrity gossip spoon, something you can only get if you save four box tops of Fruity Pebbles and include ten dollars shipping and handling. As I caught up on what was going on in Tinseltown this morning, I couldn't help but skip over Katie Holmes' satin dress faux pas and catch the newest headline about Megan Fox, the star of such blockbusters as..........

...hold on, I dropped my spoon.

     Anyhow, little lady was quoted as saying something to the effect of, "I live well with my image. I cannot complain. I would not trade my place with an unattractive girl."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Little of This, Little of That

Because it's random like the post, but also because I hate the runs as well.
Afternoon Readers,

     While things are fairly quiet on the home front, I thought I'd check in. Also, please read the word "quiet" as "Thank the Heavenly Lord the twins finally fell asleep because the trip we just took to the grocery store almost killed, maimed and brought me this close to trying to exchange them for the groceries I was buying. Unfortunately, the checker was all like, "Umm, do they know how to make change?"

     To which, I had to respond, "No, but I bet if you take them now, they'll start believing you're their mother, in two to five days. Isn't that how it happens in the wild?"

     "This is Walmart."

     "Technically, I think that counts as a wild-life preserve."

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How To Make Your Pity Party A Hit

"Hey, Jan. Just wanted to remind you that you're not invited to my party later.".... "I know, Barb. You always throw the best pity parties."
Morning Readers,

     I would've written yesterday, but I ended-up being pretty busy. You see, when one decides to throw a pity party, it can be a little overwhelming getting all the preparation just right. A lot of people like to Google how to throw the perfect pity party, but I prefer to tap into years of feeling sorry for myself, before I host a soiree I can truly call morose. But, today you all are in luck. For I just received the following letter:

Dear Paige,

How do you throw the perfect pity party?

Sincerely,

Ann E. Body

Thursday, March 22, 2012

On Repeat

Afternoon Readers,

     If you're wondering, yes, I'm still working on getting my program together for Saturday. The good news is I've decided to break the ice with, "Day one, I am born," and work from there. Not much else has been accomplished around the Split-level besides me staring at the computer and directing children to stale pretzels under the couch. Unfortunately, Sundance has figured out a way to get my attention, whether I like it or not.

"I hope they learn how to talk early," I said.

"I hope they're super smart and can recite The Charge of The Light Brigade before they're two," said Husband.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Just a Sweet, Sweet Promo...

Afternoon Readers,

     By the time you read this, I'll be knee-deep in trying to get ready for a program I'm giving on social media...because everyone wants to listen to me for an hour and a half.

Note to self: Make sure hair looks great on Saturday, in the event everything that falls out of my mouth is complete drivel. Fire up curling iron, set bear grease out to soften, buy more barbed wire.

     Seeing as I'll spend the rest of the day stressing myself out trying to write a speech that doesn't start with, "Four score and seven years ago," I don't have a story today, but what I do have is even better.

"Even better?" you say.

Monday, March 19, 2012

My Book Comes Out of Hiding

"Frank, we've got to stop her before she let's them read her book." .."Damn it, Barbara, it may already be too late."
Afternoon Readers,

     After baring my soul on Friday, I can only imagine you woke up this morning, raised your hands to the clear blue, and addressed the heavens as such...

     "Dear Lord, as I loved reading all of those fun and abundant facts about Paige Kellerman, please see fit to inspire her with yet another post in a vein much like the first. Let it be witty and smooth, yet slightly chunky like the good kind of peanut butter. That is all.

...Oh, and please let gas only cost a dollar a gallon by the time I make it to the pump.

..Amen."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Because You Wanted To Know....Right?

The day after my wedding. The hallway and my face are good metaphors for the rest of my life.
Afternoon Readers,

     I'll cut straight to it. Grace over at Camp Patton has seen fit to tag me in the most extensive question/answer thing I've ever seen. For real Grace. For real. But, as she said she'd be suuuuper disappointed if I didn't participate, I've decided to acquiesce to her request and start telling you guys horrible and unseemly things about myself. Because that's how a few of you said you wanted to start your weekends. You didn't? To bad, because I've got a tub of ranch dip to work my way through, so here we go...

Here's the rules:

1. The first rule is to post these rules. -
2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 things about yourself/your life .
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them that you've tagged them.

Eleven Things About Paige:

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Please Don't Flush

After her husband quit listening to her, Patty started a daily dialogue with the woman who lives in the mirror. The woman's name is Vivian.  Patty's also insane.
Afternoon Readers,

     I'm just going to go ahead and say it...coconut water is disgusting. But, you know what? I'm going to keep drinking it because I bought it, and my mother taught me never to wast anything.

She'd say, "Paige, don't waste anything."

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'll share a snippet from last night, which has firmly convinced me that Husband doesn't so much hear what I have to say, so much as he sees that I'm failing my arms and doing the best impression of a mime in a car accident he's ever witnessed.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

My Top Five Reasons to Be Terrified of the Zoo

My senior picture (copies made upon request)
Afternoon Readers,

     It's not often we get out of the house, but, yesterday, the kids and I had the pleasure of visiting the zoo. I could go on and on about every little detail, but, instead, I'll go ahead and share the top five things I find truly terrifying every time I have the pleasure of visiting animals in their carefully-manufactured-almost-the-same-but-not-really-unless-monkeys-are-born-in-spare-tires environment.

Paige's Top 5 Reasons To Be Terrified of the Zoo
(as selected by Paige and a carefully chosen panel of Oreos)

Monday, March 12, 2012

Nature... Dealer of Death

The one day Joan decided to get over her fear of nature hikes...
 Afternoon Readers,

     If you don't hear from me for the rest of the week, it's because I've passed on to the great gin joint in the sky. That's what happens after you get attacked. Well, not by a shark or anything...  I hear that's really hard to come back from... but I was way-laid by something much more sinister. Which is why the score is currently

Nature: 3 Paige: 0

Unless I survive, and then I get one point for living.

*point system is calculated on what I feel is appropriate and what my ring finger could hit on the number pad without overextending itself.*

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Evolution of A Tax Return

"This year, I'll be investing my entire return in buying a curl for the right side of my hair.
Afternoon Readers,

     It'd been a vicious battle all 2011. While I insisted the bathroom needed to be re-done, Husband maintained all the windows needed to be replaced. Does my right bedroom window regularly whistle "Old Suzanna", while I watch the sheep I'm counting fall out of the left one? Yes, but I'd grown tired of watching the cracks in the bathtub's tile grow large enough to stuff a hobbit through. Still, when the tax return came in, Husband was just convincing enough to drag me to the dark side of window replacement. But then...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Buy Me Some Peanuts and Crack...er Jacks

Exact reenactment of Husband leaving for work this morning...
Morning Readers,

     The season is upon us, once again. Oh, not badger hunting season; we're still a month out, but I'll set my Google calender. No, as the grass sprouts and birds come out of hibernation..yes, hibernation, ...they drag along with them baseball season. If you're wondering, that requires at least three-hundred owls and one husky Finch. I haven't talked about it since last year because I'd blocked it out. Nevertheless, Husband, in usual Husband fashion, has started the countdown. Nine out of the last ten of our interactions have gone something like...

Monday, March 5, 2012

Meet My Doppelgänger....

Betty never understood way Barbara got to wear the good purse. At least she'd gotten her pick of the hats.
Afternoon Readers,

     I've been accused of looking like a few people, in my time. I've written and apologized to most of them, of course, but I've never bought into the idea that there's someone out there who's a mirror image of me...but that was before I stumbled onto her blog. That's right, another Paige. She may not look like me, but, after doing a quick perusal/joining of her site Simple Etiquette With Proper Paige, I now realize God put a much better version of me on this Earth. I'll let you pop on over and aquaint yourself...

     Now then, from what I gather, the Paige in question is the good twin. To be honest, my immediate response was to assume that I was the upstanding one, but we all know that's not the truth. A woman doesn't get to chase her dog with a Swiffer, pour Gin on her cereal, and tell her twins to...

Friday, March 2, 2012

Naked and Loving It

Afternoon, Readers..

     Some of you have probably seen my "Toddler Thoughts" hashtag on Twitter or Facebook. I started it as a way to attempt to make sense of anything Butch and Sundance do. Which means, of course, nothing they do makes any sense...especially Butch. A few days ago, I wrote:

"But if I didn't take off my diaper at random points in the day, how could I watch you make lunch, half naked?" #toddlerthoughts

A fair amount of you probably thought I was joking, and, admittedly, the first few times it happened, it was endearing. Which is why I called the local news station and waited on hold to ask them if they'd like to broadcast a picture of the world's cutest naked baby, after the weather but before sports, and they were all like...

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Shameless Promotion

 Afternoon, Readers..

    As most of my capacity for thought is currently taken-up with deciding what I'm supposed to make for dinner, I don't have a story, today. But, my mother always taught me never to show up empty-handed to anything. She'd say, "Paige, never show up empty-handed to anything." So, I'd like to tell you, instead, a little bit about my friend, Melynda, and her wonderful book.

     In case you've never visited her over at Crazy World, let me assure you, it's worth the trip. Although her and I aren't related, we feel as though we're tied by even stronger bonds of chocolate, nicotine, and panic attacks after being stuck in an overly large line at any major super center. She's a peach.

     Lately, she's had a pretty rough go of it, and some of her other friends/fellow bloggers have gone above and beyond by compiling her posts into a book, and publishing it. I'm not saying you should buy it, but I'm also not saying I won't tell everyone you wet the bed at that slumber party when you were twelve...or that you like plain Corn Nuts. Yeah, you, Plain-Corn-Nut-liker

     I've placed a handy link to her book on the right side of your screen, and, if you want a little more info on the entire, wonderful event, please head over to Crazy Life of a Writing Mom, for more details.

     Now then, in case you thought, "Whew, today just happens to be the day Paige didn't promote herself," sorry. In case you missed it, here's the link to my newest humor column published last Saturday.

     Off to figure out what to feed the family, without giving them some sort of horrible gastrointestinal problem. Then again, maybe we should work on meeting our deductible, before the baby gets here...

Until Next Time, Readers!