Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Last of the Tax Enthusiasts

"No, Howard. We can't write your liver off as a dependent. Just lay off the booze."
Morning Readers,

I'm glad you stopped in. The only person more glad to see you is the pumpkin cream cheese I've been harassing all morning.

"Leave me alone," it whispers.

"Never," I shout. "Now, get on this bagel.


"Listen, you either get on this bagel or I finish you off with my hands. I think we can all agree the bagel is more civilized."

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Top Ten Reasons To Love Beer

"Mmm, is that your beer?" Back off, kids.

Morning Readers,

I suppose, today, I could wax eloquently, and pretend we didn't put every last effort into potty training this weekend, subsequently draining our will to live, but let's just jump into the list instead....

Friday, January 25, 2013

Trampled to Death in Theory

After Bob let Debbie get trampled by that wild herd of geese, her head was doomed to point left, forever.

Afternoon Readers,

Last night I had the most luscious dream. I won't go into the details, but, in short, it starred me sleeping through the night. Arms splayed, drool running down my pillow, it was the type of performance James Lipton will later ask me about, and I'll have to wave humbly at the actor's studio and say...

"Really, James, it's all about believing in what you're doing."

"But there was so much drool. How did you find that within yourself?"

"I mostly try to stay hydrated. But the eight years I spent living among various wells in the Mohave really gave that smooth, scalloped edge to my method acting."

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

You Can't Reason, When It Comes to Poop

"Hmm, I could potty train the kids or file my nails. And, unfortunately, nails don't file themselves."

Morning Readers,

     It's no secret the twins have been a little difficult lately. Mainly because, on Monday, I wrote about their atrocious behavior and put it on the internet. Luckily, many of you have reassured me that Butch and Sundance are like many other toddlers wandering the earth right now ....adorable yet horrible people.

    Ahh, but nature is a cruel thing, and, just as the toddler develops an offensive personality and penchant for only wearing a diaper and cowboy boots in winter, he or she also needs to be potty trained. As so, Husband and I have found ourselves at a crossroads, needing to pick between one of two equations:

a.) Horrible behavior + potty training = Twins for sale on eBay (or is Pinterest more acceptable? Esty shop? Hmm, we could sweeten the deal with throw pillows or hand-knit afghans.)

b.) Horrible behavior + potty training + alcohol = We let them keep living here.

Potty training has been nothing short of horrific. Normally, I love coating everything in sugar, but this situation isn't a chocolate glazed, icing-filled cake doughnut, this is real life. This is stress. This is poop.

I hate poop. And the twins don't want to do any of it in a toilet. This has lead to subsequent rationalization on mine and Husband's part...

Monday, January 21, 2013

Terrible Toddlers

"Shh, Stephanie. Bad children have to wear taffeta until they're twelve."

Morning Readers,

     So glad you're here. I've been staring at myself in the mirror, wondering if I should pluck the stray hair on my jawbone that looks like an old sailor's rope, or leave it and let my overall look of crazy blend with the sounds of crazy that have been coming out of my mouth lately.

I could pluck it an blend back into polite society.

Or, I could leave it and use it to tie down a mast. Isn't that what boating folk do, tie down masts? I don't know. The Ocean terrifies me. But, if someone stops by and asks me to create a scene from White Squall, I should be ready. *throws away tweezers*

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Date Night Magic: A Review

"Stop looking at me like that. I always wear the giant, feathered hat on date night."

Morning Readers,

I'm over the moon right now. Not only is the hot coffee I'm drinking actually hot, and my leopard-print robe passably clean to wear another day, but the reviews are in. After I cheated on my hair stylist this past Saturday, Husband and I decided to celebrate my disloyalty, put on our socilizin' clothes and head somewhere I could whip my new hair back and forth within arms reach of buttered popcorn.

We decided to see Django Unchained, because nothing says, "re-connecting through quality time, thoughtful conversation, and a dash of hand-holding" like Quentin Tarantino. I thought our outing was a fantastic success, but I'll let the reviewers do the talking...

Monday, January 14, 2013

How To Cheat on Your Hair Stylist: In 5 Easy Steps

"No, I don't think she'll be mad. I'd just watch your back for any unintentional mullets."

Morning Readers,

Let's start today with an excerpt from Paige's Big Book of Beauty: Hair and Back Again, A Mole's Tale

Beauty Secret #1 ..."Trim hair, at least once, between pregnancies."

An entire year had passed before I stepped into the salon, on Saturday. And I entered not as a woman of respectable roots and intentions, but as a cheater. For I had not called The Keeper of the Locks. Nay, using my crappy cell phone composed of tin can and string, I made the call which started the little tryst I like to call...

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Guest Posting For Mommy Shorts: Get Thee Hence!

"She didn't tell me to do it, but, I think showing up in period-specific garb will let Mommy Shorts know I'm educated and serious."

Morning Readers,

I meant to record something witty on my answering machine, before you got here. But tape's expensive now that they don't make it anywhere except a small retailer on ebay who also peddles beepers and car phones.

So I'll go ahead and leave you this crudely typed note on the internet, saying, "Please come join me over at Mommy Shorts, today. She's super nice, popular, and let me post, even though I could, potentially, scare away her entire audience.

She's got a toddler, a new baby and a really awesome site with things that are fun to look at, watch, and read. Did I mention she has really cute kids? I'll be forever grateful, if you pop by. You don't have to admit you know me."

Besides, today I'm talking about why my postpartum body is better than the one I had in college. It'll make great dinnertime conversation and only give you three or four disturbing visuals.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Low Down, Dirty Dog In My Sheets

"What do mean, the dog said you couldn't sleep there anymore?"
Afternoon Readers,

You know what my favorite part of the day is?

Besides the kids going to bed.

Yes, drinking my token beer before jumping on Twitter is great, but besides that.

No, no, no. You're right, trying to reach that one spot on your back, with a loofa, while singing Hall and Oats in a hot shower is wonderful, but still off the mark.

I'll answer, "What is Climbing into My Warm Bed," for the win, Alex. Who, me? You mean I just one fifty-thousand dollars? Do you know what that can buy, Trebek? Do you? You do. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. March out and buy the best sheets on the market 1,000,000 thread count. That's what I'm going to do. And maybe a new bra."

But it wouldn't matter if I could buy the most luxurious sheets on the market, Readers, because someone in this house doesn't care about my sheets. Even if I imported a bed set woven by the most talented, ambidextrous, confusingly-able lemurs on this planet, Flea would ruin it for me like he always does.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Sad, Sad Pajama Pants

If her pants ripped any higher, Paige knew she'd have to coax the ferret she wore in to desperately throw itself over her North and South. Divide and conquer, my friend.
Morning Readers,

They say the key to a great marriage is remembering to wear cute bed things every now and then. So, for the life of me, I can't figure out why this thing is still going strong. Seriously. Now, before you go and get all riled up, remember I said, "now and then." In Husband's case, I'm absolutely sure he's been left with no other choice than believing I buy my pajamas whenever the circus comes through town and makes a donation to Goodwill.

Which is, of course, ridiculous to the eightieth degree. The finer things I own have been knit out of dying hemp plants, by blind monkeys who took one knitting class from a Youtube video. And they're very, very drunk monkeys because no one would want that job except a blind, drunk monkey. Or Lindsay Lohan. I hear she's looking for work.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A New Finding the Funny: Get Thee to the Link-Up


Morning Readers,

The Finding the Funny you love is getting a makeover. Anna and Kelley have generously decided to let some of their friends help host the link-up, the first Wednesday of every month. No, it won't be every week anymore, but it'll still be fun. If you have a funny post, go ahead and add it! I'll throw one into the mix. If you don't have a website, no problem! We need you to stick around and read to your heart's content.....

Meet the Hosts

Anna @ My Life and Kids Kelley @ Kelley's Break Room Robyn @ Hollow Tree Ventures JD @ Honest Mom Kerry @ HouseTalkN Keesha @ Mom's New Stage Meredith @ The Mom of the Year Anna @ Random Handprints Toulouse @ Toulouse and Tonic

The Rules