Monday, January 14, 2013

How To Cheat on Your Hair Stylist: In 5 Easy Steps

"No, I don't think she'll be mad. I'd just watch your back for any unintentional mullets."

Morning Readers,

Let's start today with an excerpt from Paige's Big Book of Beauty: Hair and Back Again, A Mole's Tale

Beauty Secret #1 ..."Trim hair, at least once, between pregnancies."

An entire year had passed before I stepped into the salon, on Saturday. And I entered not as a woman of respectable roots and intentions, but as a cheater. For I had not called The Keeper of the Locks. Nay, using my crappy cell phone composed of tin can and string, I made the call which started the little tryst I like to call...

1.) Make the call.

"Betty's House of Hair, how can I help you? Sholandra speaking."

"Hi. I'm Paige. I have a gift certificate to your establishment and would  like to make an appointment."

"What stylist would you like to see?"

"It doesn't matter, Sholandra. I'm a terrible person."

2.) Introduce yourself

"Hi, I'm Sarah. I'll be cutting your hair today. Have anything in mind?"

"Just a trim. Something that makes it look like I may or may not have cut it."

"Not a cut?"

"Exactly. Perhaps you could use that file over there to lightly sand the edges."

3.) Pleasantries

"You have a lot of hair. I'll need to lay down on the floor to cut it."

"I'd feel bad, but you just rubbed my shoulders. What is this place? That was weird."

"Would you like a lemon water?"


4.) Explainations

"This was just a spur of the moment thing. My regular stylist will do highlights this summer."

"I think you should cut your bangs to here."

"Don't tell me what to do."


"I might call you again."

5.) Farewell

"We hope you find your experience with us satisfactory. Here's a gift bag."

"Can I put it over my head?"

"Do you not like your cut?"

"I love it."

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is my face is still recognizable under all this fabulous hair."

"Do you not want the gift bag?"

"What's in it?"

"Foot cream."

"I love foot cream."

"Do want me to take the gift bag back?"

"Don't touch my foot cream."

"Would you like to schedule another appointment?"

"No. I have to go home and decide if my ethics trump lemon water. Good day, Madam."

My next appointment will be with The Keeper of the Locks, but she can never know what I did. Never.

Until Next Time, Readers!