Monday, January 14, 2013

How To Cheat on Your Hair Stylist: In 5 Easy Steps

"No, I don't think she'll be mad. I'd just watch your back for any unintentional mullets."

Morning Readers,

Let's start today with an excerpt from Paige's Big Book of Beauty: Hair and Back Again, A Mole's Tale

Beauty Secret #1 ..."Trim hair, at least once, between pregnancies."

An entire year had passed before I stepped into the salon, on Saturday. And I entered not as a woman of respectable roots and intentions, but as a cheater. For I had not called The Keeper of the Locks. Nay, using my crappy cell phone composed of tin can and string, I made the call which started the little tryst I like to call...




1.) Make the call.

"Betty's House of Hair, how can I help you? Sholandra speaking."

"Hi. I'm Paige. I have a gift certificate to your establishment and would  like to make an appointment."

"What stylist would you like to see?"

"It doesn't matter, Sholandra. I'm a terrible person."

2.) Introduce yourself

"Hi, I'm Sarah. I'll be cutting your hair today. Have anything in mind?"

"Just a trim. Something that makes it look like I may or may not have cut it."

"Not a cut?"

"Exactly. Perhaps you could use that file over there to lightly sand the edges."

3.) Pleasantries

"You have a lot of hair. I'll need to lay down on the floor to cut it."

"I'd feel bad, but you just rubbed my shoulders. What is this place? That was weird."

"Would you like a lemon water?"

"Sure."

4.) Explainations

"This was just a spur of the moment thing. My regular stylist will do highlights this summer."

"I think you should cut your bangs to here."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"See?"

"I might call you again."

5.) Farewell

"We hope you find your experience with us satisfactory. Here's a gift bag."


"Can I put it over my head?"

"Do you not like your cut?"

"I love it."

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is my face is still recognizable under all this fabulous hair."

"Do you not want the gift bag?"

"What's in it?"

"Foot cream."

"I love foot cream."

"Do want me to take the gift bag back?"

"Don't touch my foot cream."

"Would you like to schedule another appointment?"

"No. I have to go home and decide if my ethics trump lemon water. Good day, Madam."


My next appointment will be with The Keeper of the Locks, but she can never know what I did. Never.

Until Next Time, Readers!

51 comments:

  1. I felt exactly the same when I switched hairdressers. Except I never did go back. I can chalk one bad haircut up to a bad day. Two and I'm looking for a new place to go. Now if only I could get around to making an appointment...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two bad ones in a row is a sure sign to run away and never look back. When I was in high school, I asked for "The Rachel" and got a mullet, instead. I'm pretty sure I didn't go back ..I think.

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  2. Beware, I tried that once, and my stylist could tell, even though about four years had passed between trims. That was back when I had a lot of hair; I think if there's enough to work with, the must leave their business card tucked in up there somewhere. My advice is, right before you go back to your regular person, get your hair caught in the garbage disposal. Destroy the evidence!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The disposal sounds a bit risky, but we haven't fired up the weed whacker in a while. Good suggestion, my friend.

      Delete
  3. Been there and done that, but now my cousin does my hair and it would be even more awkward if I did that. By the way, I loved that part about how much hair you have, because my hair is so thick this is all I ever here with whoever is cutting my hair. I feel like saying, seriously, you think I don't know this after 35 years, lol!!

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    1. My hair is pretty crazy. They usually have to take thinning sheers to it so the second layer can be reached. Then a team of excavators has to come in and it gets out of control.

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  4. I HAD to go to a cheap place near my house, my girl at the fancy salon was never available when I was! I told her I did it. It's been at least 6 months and I have gone another time or two to the cheap place, I think she knows I quit her. :/ The cheap place does just as good, flexable scheduling (walk in) and is close to home. OH and its cheap!
    Congratulations on getting a trim!
    <3 Devan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *High fives you in spirit* When you find someone who's awesome and works at a cheap place, never let them go. NEVER ...only say that to them in a way that's not nearly as creepy as was portrayed in this comment.

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  5. I actually did the unthinkable and went from my "normal" (cheaper) girl to a different (more expensive) salon for a few months and then had the balls to go back to my "normal" (cheaper) girl again. I put my pride on the backburner for the discount and the fact I realized that Paul Mitchell himself couldn't save my sad hair. At least I save a few bucks every month...

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    Replies
    1. Hey, as long as you walk out with clean hair, mullet-free, and no one picked your pocket while you were there, I say it's a win.

      Delete
  6. Love this, Paige. Hi, my name is Leslie, and I cheat on my hairstylist. And get this, the last time I was there, she told me all about her new handgun. So now, I'm afraid. I'm very afraid. I need to bookmark this page so I'm more prepared the next time I do an emergency hair booty call. Wait, that sounds wrong. I don't have a hair booty. (Fine, I totally have a hair booty.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok, I don't have a good handbook on how to tell a stylist you're leaving, when she has a hand gun, getting a bob and then bobbing and weaving your hair booty out of there sounds like a solid plan.

      Delete
  7. I can never ever ever do this, not even with these very thorough rules. Mine knows if I've even trimmed my bangs 1/24th of an inch between hair cuts. She would KILL me. She once told me that if I ever put a drug store boxed color on my roots by myself again, she would come to my house and strangle me in my sleep. Sooo...guess I'll be monogamous. Good thing I love her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love the look stylists give you when you admit to using boxed color. The last one I told that to looked at me like I said I like to set lobster traps, naked, every time I visit the ocean. Although, my great black hair debacle of 2006 was something to see.

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  8. I don't even have a stylist to cheat on. I feel like I'm not even a real grown-up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure you are. It's probably way more grown up to go to someone else every time, instead of swearing your loyalty and then sneaking off like a dog who begs lemon water off other people.

      Delete
  9. I totally relate. My stylist is in NYC, but I've moved to the 'burbs so sometimes I have to cheat. I like to think we can make our open relationship work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Distance is a get-out-of-jail-free card. Use it.

      Delete
  10. I cheated and I feel terrible. In my defense, I was being mocked by my friends for going to a chain haircut place. I now know that I can stand up for middle class hair and I will dammit. I will.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Middle class hair is where it's at. I have to save up to see my stylist, once every six months to a year. If I have to go in between, I'm all up in a coupon's face, or bartering with string cheese. That stuff's expensive.

      Delete
  11. im a stylist and i encourage emergency cheating. heck i know theres going to be a time you "need" a trim and i wont be able to do it for you...just come back thats all i ask

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you happen to live in the Kansas City area, I might have to set something up for my layers on the side.

      Delete
  12. CONGRATULATIONS for leaving the house to (hilariously) do something for yourself. Next time, throw the lemon water in their face and request cucumber water. That will show that you are serious about your pampering but, also ensure that you will have to go back to your stylist since you'll be banned from returnig to the host salon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but I have to come up with something to shout while I'm throwing the lemon water, like, "I'm incensed! Incensed, I tell you! Now, go grow me some cucumbers."

      Delete
  13. African-American hair can easily mean 3-4 hours, if not more at a salon. So I am the ultimate hairstylist cheating whore. Whoever does it fastest, cheapest, closest to my house, if not in my house gets to do me. Simple as that.

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    Replies
    1. Three to four hours is a long time. Do you think Husband would believe me if I told him my next appointment will take that long? Now I'm ridiculously jealous, Keesha.

      Delete
  14. For Steve's Sake! I can relate to every last comma in this post. I'm a super stylist whore...I should probably be tested to make sure I haven't caught something from all the different swivel chairs that I've sat on. Also, if anyone so much as nicks more than a half inch off my long flowing (stringy) locks, I basically go Kung Fu on their ass. It's not pretty...and neither am I again after 4-6 weeks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I'm super touchy about my hair too. An inch usually means half an inch. And a half an inch means, "Please just don't touch it. I'm going home now."

      Delete
  15. I am so ashamed. I am an official stylist-hopper. And I blame Groupon. Dang! Must they keep offering such amazing deals on new salons and leading me into such ethical blurriness?!

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    Replies
    1. I've heard Groupon is the number one reason people cheat. I'll be on the lookout for a good one ...just don't let my stylist know. Hopefully she's the one offering the Groupon.

      Delete
  16. I tried for years to break up with my stylist. SHE finally moved out of town and I was free!! But seriously, a gift certificate? She will understand that, won't she?

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    Replies
    1. I think the unwritten rule states you must forgive anyone with a gift certificate. It's in the fine print, I'm sure.

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  17. I am seriously thinking of shaving my head...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Britney Spears style? There may be a Groupon for that.

      Delete
  18. I am the worst human of all. If I need a stylist change, I switch hairstylists around the holidays. That way I don't have to give a holiday tip to a stylist I'm about to leave for another.

    I know, I know. I deserve my gray hairs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tactically holiday maneuvers. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

      Delete
  19. Is it weird that I think I love you? Cheater or not, you're swell. Oh and your writing makes me giggle and I love a good giggle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm ridiculously flattered to be call "swell". I think I'm liked most of the time, so being loved makes me want to send a singing telegram and some Oreos your way.

      Delete
  20. I cheated on my stylist (well, sort of, she's on maternity leave) and got horrible, awful, blind-man layers in my hair.

    SIGH.

    So I cheated on her again to get the horrible, no-good, very bad layers sort of fixed and blended in a little bit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I, too, have had the "blind man layers". Mine were horrific to behold. I'm glad to hear you were able to muster some damage control.

      Delete
  21. I left my hairdresser in Boston, but she's on my Facebook so I HAVE to tell her if I try someone new. The only benefit is that I can plead 'I need someone local!'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Note to self: Never friend request The Keeper of the Locks.

      Delete
  22. "Just a trim. Something that makes it look like I may or may not have cut it."

    Hahahahahaha. . .

    Lordy you're funny, momma. I hate cheating on my stylist. I'm about to do it myself. I missed an appointment recently, total brain fart. She's great, but hard to schedule. Soooo, thinking about just waltzing into a different place. I might even demand the most experienced stylist, even if it costs me $75. I know, I'm woozy with excitement and guilt.

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  23. You are so hilarious. Sholandra. Filing hair. Lemon water. You are just a never-ending supply of funny words!

    ReplyDelete